I had an appointment with her this morning, and I revealed to her some anxiety that I have been experiencing. I haven't had much luck sticking it out with my past few jobs, all with what I consider to be good reason, but even she agreed that my current situation is unhealthy and that she, herself, wouldn't last 5 minutes in the environment that I've described. And I didn't even exaggerate. Not even a little bit.
I have been working for the past half year for a psychiatrist. Yes, interesting. Up until recently, I have been able to (at least I think I have) conceal the fact that I suffer from any type of mental health issues. I have been able to go to work, do my job, deal with my own insecurities and anxieties, and all has pretty much been well. I only work 5 hours a day, part-time, so this has helped to make working, in general, more tolerable for me. If I am having a particularly difficult day, I tell myself -- I can keep myself together for the next 5 hours. 4 hours...etc.
The interesting thing about the doctor that I work for is that she also claims to be a psychic. This can get very interesting at times. She is a legitimate doctor with her license and all. She treats patients all day. But, in my estimation, as someone who has her own issues, the woman has some issues of her own. She tells me that she channels her alien-being friends all day and that they advise her. Then she advises her patients accordingly. The fact that she is writing scripts and treating people is a bit scary to me.
She sometimes tells me very personal information that her clients share with her, and it makes me uncomfortable. To boot, the stuff is often about issues that trigger me, and I have had to, more than once, go to the restroom and ground myself so that I didn't totally spin out into dissociation and anxiety. She tells me things about sexual abuse and things of that nature. Not only do I not want to hear these things, but I feel bad for her unsuspecting clients who trust all their very personal stuff with her. It's not right, and my psychiatrist has urged me to consider reporting her for it.
The thought only fuels the anxiety I already feel. My stomach has felt like a rope has been tightening around it since last night. My appetite has been down, and my heart has been racing. I know it's just the anxiety. It's just from being triggered. My mind is trying t stay in "wise mind," but the physiological effects of the stress and worry linger and taunt my nervous system.
The job itself isn't that bad at all. I rather enjoy it. I answer the phones, type up documents, greet visitors. Nothing too fancy. I make just enough money to make ends meet, and I have time to go to DBT group and take care of other things that are going on in my life. She pays me rather well, which makes it hard to walk away...especially that as I scan the want ads, I don't see anything paying as much, and I do have a bottom-line survival salary that I continue making ends meet.
I feel somewhat challenged by the situation -- I have to figure out how to behave like an adult. How to handle the situation responsibly. How to figure out how I will take care of myself from all perspectives, including financially - without making any impulsive moves or irritating her enough that she just lets me go.
My doctor recommended doing repeated reality check with myself for as long as I choose to stay in the position. "She is crazy. She is crazy" is what I am supposed to repeat to myself if she comes up with one of her wacky psychic visions.
I am STRESSED about this, but I know that in the past, things have always worked out for me. So although I am filled with anxiety and I know I need to practice my DBT skills, I am going to do my very best to try to relax this afternoon and evening. I have DBT group after work tomorrow, so that's a very good thing. We're talking about emotion regulation. Another good thing.
Thanks for reading, more soon.