Desperate for Connection | Borderline Personality Disorder

One of my biggest struggles as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is that I have both a desperate longing to connect with others and a desperate fear of rejection and hurt.


I long to have friends. It isn't very difficult for me to connect with someone and start a friendship. I'm friendly, caring, and empathetic. I like to laugh and always want to help others when I can.


It just seem that, as time goes on, one of several things happens:



  • I become very emotionally dependent on a new friend
  • I get moody or deeply depressed or anxious and withdraw so that I am not "exposed" and vulnerable.
  • I begin to find all sorts of things "wrong" with her and convince myself that I'm better off alone. Of course I'm not, but on some level, I think I push people away once there is a certain closeness.



Deep down, I desperately want to be loved, cared about, and wanted. At the same time, I am desperate to avoid being hurt and rejected. So, even though there may be little to no chance of that happening in a friendship that is going along just fine, I tend to sabotage it in some way, shape or form.


As much I despise this, I also sense that I am not fully ready to release these patterns. This is discouraging, and I'd like to understand myself a little bit more around this. I'd like to know how I can get over the feelings that hold me back from having true, meaningful, long-lasting friendships.


I need to learn to not only seek things from a relationship but how to also give and BE a good friend...no matter my mood or the circumstances.


Someone recently told me that you can't be a friend to someone else if you haven't learned to care for and be a friend to yourself.  Perhaps that is my starting point.







5 comments:

  1. Hi, thanks for your post, and all your tweets.Sharing your experiences and struggles with others, because you care, helping those who are also struggling is certainly a very giving and friendly thing to do. I feel for you and the difficulties you share in this post. This may be the situation now, but please be patient with yourself, non-judgmental, and self-forgiving.I have found the Emotional Reg module of DBT quite challenging, but I think it can really help with a lot of the issues you are experiencing. Also the GIVE skill from Interpersonal Effectiveness - remember to practice it on yourself too won't you?

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  2. Hugs - I could be reading about myself. My only problem is that I have 'run out' of people to be friends with, no one has stood by me - even though I have done my all for others.
    I wish you well
    x

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    Replies
    1. Sending you huge hugs and love. Please know that it won't always be this way. You will build a circle of close people as you heal. ♥

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