Feeling Lonely: Just Me & my BPD

I feel lonely today, and I have fought back tears on a couple of occasions - once during a quiet moment in yoga this morning, and another just now as I began typing this.  You see, I've done a good job at isolating myself so that I don't have to try at relationships.  I had become a bit hesitant to engage in friendships since my recent one, to a woman I was very close to, ended because of my BPD-related behaviors.

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Of course, this was before I began to really "get" the skills I've been learning in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), but when I called her a couple of months ago to explain and ask her forgiveness, she informed me that she was no longer interested in being my friend. It hurt, but I can't say that I don't understand why she had finally had enough.  I only wish that she had given me a chance to show her the improved me - the one who now turns (most of the time) to practical, healthy choices instead of self-sabotaging and self-harm.  But, again, she's not interested. There's nothing I can do.  I've tried to convince myself that she's a "jerk" and that I'm better off without her, but the truth is that I love her, and I am so sad that, at the time I was friends with her, I wasn't yet ready to be a friend. I was very needy, clingy, and almost always had a crisis.  My mood was here, there, and everywhere, and I would end up in the E.R. freaking out. I really didn't know how to be there for her and constantly set up a dynamic where I was in need of her rescuing.  I can see it now, but I couldn't then.

Speaking of relationships, I've invested most of my emotional stock in my boyfriend who, while I know he loves me as a person, is also someone that I pushed far, far away with my emotional outbursts, hospital visits, and repeated promises that I would change.  The change within me really has begun to come due to a lot of hard work in DBT, but I can tell it's come too late for him as well.  I have been feeling really emotional about this lately.  I wonder if you have any idea how desperately I wish I could undo the hurt, pain, confusion, and destruction I caused around me and to the people I love, especially my boyfriend.  He has put up with SO MUCH.

Now he's deciding (for a myriad of his own personal reasons, including the issues with me) to go and live with family abroad for a few months. I'm freaking out.  I don't want him to go, and I have been dissociating and going into denial. I know that one of the reasons we have disconnected is because I suddenly began to get very triggered during intimacy with him. Not to gross you out, but I would literally throw up.  I don't know what is going on when this happens, but I've avoided sex due to the anxiety around having another episode like this. He has no idea why I became this way, and to be honest, neither do I.  Something from the past is coming up.  I've gathered from his comments and demeanor that he just really doesn't know what to do to "help" or "fix" me.  I've explained that he doesn't have to.

The good news is, he says that he has seen a huge improvement in me since really getting into DBT. This is a lot coming from him, as he would always say to me, when I relapsed: "all that therapy, psychiatrists, therapists, emergency rooms, groups -- and you're still the same year after year."  I don't hear that anymore. I take that as a very good sign of progress.

Thanks for reading.
More Soon.

7 comments:

  1. I also have no friends due to problems wt bpd I have not allowed anyone to get close to me or even just hang out wt me outside of school or work. See its exhausting and hard for me to pretend I'm ok and normal all the time I have anger issues I have to keep in check and anxiety attacks that make it so hard to keep it together around other people cause there are so many triggers.My boyfriend is the only one I took a chance on and I've tried hard to avoid relationship sabotaging behaviors but I can't always keep them in check.I was honest wt him from the beginning I let him know my issues and we take things day by day.As I've said before everyday I make a conscious effort to be a better person to others and to myself.This has been so far my most succesful relationship its hard but its not impossible.Friendships well that's another story I'm sure Ill get there but its going to take time.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. It sounds like our stories could be pages from the same book. I totally get what you are going through. My hope is that you, and I, and everyone else with BPD can get the help they need to become the person that they want to be. Someday, I'd like to have friendships again, and I'd like to repair my intimate relationship (or eventually move on to another one), but right now, the effort it seems it takes to maintain a friendship/relationship can be overwhelming and even daunting. I'm like you - it's hard to pretend everything is ok when my moods can be so up and down. Thanks for commenting.

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  2. I realise you made this post a little while ago but sometimes I like to read back a few weeks to see if I have missed any :) I treasure your blog very much! I just wanted to quickly say that I have also had experiences of becoming emotional when being intimate with a partner, or shortly after we've finished. For me, it's definitely felt like an odd time to become emotional. But sometimes, when there have been ongoing problems, that's just when they've come up. I think it's natural that the brain responds to physical sensations with emotions, perhaps just catches us off guard sometimes. Just though I would share that I've had exactly the same thing xox

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read a few posts back. I am so happy that you are enjoying my blog. Thank you also for being willing to share that you've had a common experience. I appreciate it. Huge hugs. ♥

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  3. I can totally relate to this! I pushed so many people away because of my promises to change etc etc...! Its so hard sometimes but you have to just keep on trying <3

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  4. I usually don't do this but I feel that you guys will understand. I was recently diagnosed with bpd... I've had all the tell tale signs for years.. I can't believe all of the drs I've seen never picked up on it. It wasn't until my recent hospitalization that they finally figured it out. I'm upset because I have pushed away every friend and boyfriend I had over the years. I'm with a man now that really loves me and I don't want to lose him. The problem is that I make him feel bad all the time. I don't mean to but I'm so afraid of being abandoned again I react to every disagreement so harshly . I always think its the end . I'm not a bad person. I love deeply and I would do anything for him. I'm currently looking for dbt therapy but there's nothing in my area. Anyway I just felt like sharing.. Yours truly desperate to change

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