- Un-mindfully watched not one but TWO movies, out of extreme boredom, even though I was well aware that the subject matter could be triggering. I figured I'd been doing well and could turn away, block my ears, etc. during difficult parts. Well, this wasn't enough. It's about to get graphic. In one of the movies, a beautiful young college girl agrees to be fondled under heavy sedation in exchange for large sums of money from a prostitution house that coordinates everything. Although there is a rule of no penetration, I went into several PTSD flashbacks as disgusting, perfected men treated he body with no regard, calling her horrendous names, licking her face, burning her ear, and dropping her on her head. It was SICK!!! Yet, I continued to watch it, feeling dirty and violated, as I had when I was in my early 20s and was sexually assaulted and then somehow was convinced to continue engaging in self-degrading acts with that person. He was older, and the guy who was doing the lewd face licking, names, and burning her ear reminded me so much of him. I'd worked so hard for YEARS to convince myself I wasn't that girl (always knowing of course, that I was, but making that disconnect and being in denial helped me to move on with my life and not be constantly devastated by it), but pieces have been surfacing, along with emotions that are difficult to hold and process, and this movie just sent it into full speed. Maybe I was hoping to have a break though? Who knows what was going through my mind, but it certainly wasn't Wise. Which brings me to other movie I watched, which starred Mariah Carey. I like her, so I thought I could handle it. The gruesome violence, again, literally had me sick to my stomach. These were NOT wise choices, and now I am paying the price with suffering emotionally and needing to work through this.
- My boyfriend and I haven't had many opportunities to connect during this 24 days away trip of his (6 days left), since he hasn't had the best access to cellular and internet. All kinds of thoughts, fears, insecurities, etc. have been racing through my head. Most of all, I worry that he has completely stopped loving me (crying now as I write this part) and that, perhaps, being away from me for so long opened his eyes to how peaceful his life could be not having to deal with me and my mental illness. I know he's been frustrated when I've had backsliding moments and his expressed his inability and lack of desire to cope with these episodes. Last night, when I had a headache and was sick to my stomach several times, I thought to try to get a hold of him, but as desperate and terrified as I felt being alone and not feeling (yet another trigger I've written about in the past), I just couldn't do it. I knew that hearing him upset would only further my anxiety and despair.
- My Mom has an illness that is getting worse. I've also been in denial about this, and it's difficult for me to visit her. Not because she lives across the country, but because she chooses to stay with an abusive boyfriend, is getting kicked out of yet another place of living, drinks on the weekends (heavily), and there is just a lot of drama within the family otherwise. I miss her. I love her. I care about her, and I know I need to spend time with her. I'm just not sure how to do it and feel safe.
- Last week a coworker showed up to work drunk and belligerent and abusive - not to me, but right in front of me to my colleagues. I blogged about this as well. Definite trigger.
- My job has had some slow days. Seeing that I was unemployed for nearly 1.5 years already once in my life, I've been very anxious about the slow days, freaking out that my boss will come into my office and ask what I am working on. I've been making a good effort to have a list, to do busy work, and to voluntarily help in other departments, but the fear is still strong and upsetting.
- Appetite is now affected, since I got my whole nervous system all shook up.
END Trigger Alert
The ways I've taken care of myself so far are:
- Wise Mind: I am challenging my thoughts, especially intensely, emotionally charged thoughts. I am reminding myself that a Thought is, in fact, JUST A THOUGHT.
- Mindfulness: Last night, I did a mindfulness exercise where I literally spoke out each and every move as I did it. This kept me in the present moment and helped a lot. For example:
- I'm placing the shower spout back up on its hook
- I'm turning off the shower water off
- I'm pulling the shower curtain to the side
- I'm reaching for my face cloth
- I'm drying my face with the face cloth
- I'm putting the face cloth back
- I'm reaching for the towel
At this point, you get it. It's also interesting to do this exercise and see how many of the details we ordinarily gloss over and do on automatic pilot.
- I did deep breathing to help calm my nervous system
- I listened to a guided hypnosis CD, and although I could not focus, the familiar sounds on the track and the guider's voice were soothing and helped me to stop hyperventilating, which was great.
- My stomach was very hungry, but I mentally did not have an appetite. I still listened to my body's need and SLOWLY had a 1/2 glass of milk, 2 pieces of toast, and took my meds (which require that they be taken with food.)
- I cuddled with my cats to self-soothe. They could sense something wasn't right, and this increased my anxiety, as I didn't want them to be afraid. Somehow, they were able to be there for me.
- I called out sick for work today. A bit anxious about that choice, but it was really necessary. I couldn't have shown up there in the condition I was in this morning and with how tired I am now.
- I called and left a voice mail for my psychiatrist. I wasn't dramatic. Sleepy sounding, if anything. I let her know that I was having a hard time, would try to make into DBT group this afternoon (which is facilitated by another doctor), and that I was hoping she could walk through my plan with me around coping with the PTSD triggers.
- I took Ativan, as prescribed for extreme anxiety (this qualified, obviously)
- I got on here to write.
- I am going to lie down for a bit more and rest, as I didn't get much quality sleep last night.
- I'm staying hydrated and will snack here and there throughout the day until my appetite gets better.
- I will be mindful of all of you, around the world, who understand, having compassion, and have shown me support.
Thanks for reading.