Getting Through The Darkest Days of Mental Illness | Borderline Personality Disorder

How do you get through the darkest days that come due to mental illness? 







In this video, I discuss my own personal experience around:
  • Coping with and getting through the darkest days that we encounter as a part of suffering from and living with mental illness
  • Tolerating the distress of miserable emotions
  • The power of using your skills when you actually would rather just give up
  • The challenge of remembering another state of emotion when you have Borderline Personality Disorder
  • How DBT is not always easy to practice, but it is ALWAYS worth it







I hope you feel encouraged.

Thank you for reading and watching.
More soon.



Transcript of Video for the hearing impaired:

Transcript of Video:

“Hi guys, its Debbie from healingfrombpd.org.

I want to start out this video by telling you guys how grateful and thankful I am for all of you – for you , you, you, YOU watching this video right now and possibly on my blog reading the post that goes with it.
I have had a rough couple of days – really bad. Really distressed, extremely anxious. It got to the point where the self-harm thoughts were coming. Thank God that I know how to use the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills and that I was able to muster up the strength to do it even though I honest to goodness didn’t feel like it. I really didn’t.

I was so angry and so disappointed and so upset to find myself in a space that I had been in before that I had hoped and thought  wouldn’t get to that point again, that I just – I really wanted to just pull my hair out and scream and cry and just say ‘f’ all of this, you know?  It was so overwhelming and upsetting, but there was that Wise Mind, that little tiny bit of Wise Mind coming up and saying, ‘Debbie, you’ve been through this before, and it totally sucks, and it feels miserable, and it’s almost unbearable the distress, but life is so worth it when you pass through this – because it ALWAYS passes – and it may take a day, it make take three days.’  Who knows how long it’s going to take?

But, I was reminded, or I reminded myself, of how good I feel on those days when life is good, you know? When things are going well and my mood is pretty stable, and I’m happy, and I’m not having anxiety attacks and those kinds of things.

And, I know that’s really hard to do when you’re in the midst of a crisis when you’re not feeling well and you’re not thinking straight, and it was hard for me, too.

I wrote in my blog that I feel really embarrassed, in a way, sharing the extreme distress I was experiencing because  I’m that girl who writes about how DBT is so amazing and will help you and you’re going to feel great – and that is still true,  and I will tell you  that mental illness is very complex.

My blog is “healing” from bpd.org, not “healed” from BPD, because I think it’s probably an ongoing thing, possibly for the rest of our lives that we have to learn how to keep everything in check.
I’m vulnerable still. I still have these symptoms, and I apply the skills. But, I’m glad that I did share this with you because as expected, and even though it’s been tough, I am starting to feel better…and it was REALLY bad. Really bad.

Some of you saw me on Twitter and Facebook at 2 in the morning my time when it was 10 am in England, and you were asking, “what are you doing online, are you ok?”  And, I wasn’t.  I was NOT ok.
I’ve really had to do my 9-1-1 DBT Skills. The reason I’m glad that I shared after all…Number one, I have received Facebook messages, tweets, direct messages on Twitter, emails, you name it –messages on YouTube – you name it – just an outpouring of caring and support and love and encouragement and people saying, ‘Hey – don’t’ be embarrassed. You’re one of us. It happens’

They were encouraged to see that even on these really, really dark days, that I have been willing to push through and work through it, and so, I feel that, and I’ve  said this before, I’d be doing you a great disservice if I did not share with you the times that I have really difficult – like a crisis or a difficult time with my emotions, because then it looks like, okay, this girl has completely got her act together, and she’s doing DBT, and she never really has a downfall…just oop! a little challenge, oop! a little challenge,  but you know what?

The truth is, a lot of time – and it has gotten more consistent since I have started DBT - I’ll be stable for quite some time, and there will even be a trigger, and I’ll still just come right back up, but when there are multiple triggers at once, especially, that’s when I get really, really vulnerable and end up, a lot of times, in the situation that I was in the last couple of days.

So, thank you for your support. Please know that if you are going through one of these dark valleys or having dark day after dark day, and you just feel like giving up, and if you feel like it’s just not worth it and you can’t muster up the strength to even try the skills or it doesn’t feel like it’s going to even do anything, PLEASE learn from my example that it does help and it does work. It may take time. It may take longer than it’s taken me.

I’m not completely feeling 100% well. I’m still kind of shaky. I was anxious today, but my appetite is coming back, and that’s a huge sign to me that things are getting better.

It will get better for you, too.  It might feel completely horrible, like you don’t know how you are going to bear it another minute, but please just HOLD ON. Hold on.

There’s a song from the late 80s, early 90s by Wilson Phillips called “Hold On.” I’ll put that video underneath this one on my blog as well. If you’re feeling this way, please listen to the words of the song,  and know that if you hold on – if you practice your skills even when you honest to goodness don’t even want to and don’t feel like it, even if it feels like it won’t help at all, please trust that if you hold on, tap into Wise Mind, do your skills, stay safe – let someone know in terms of a psychiatrist or therapist if you feel like you might not be able to stay safe,  please take care of yourself and please do whatever it takes.
I want you to remember those times when you were laughing, and those times when you felt the sun on your skin and you noticed it, and it felt warm and good. Or, the time you were able to focus and get into a really good book or watch a really good movie – or anything like that. In fact, one thing that I do now is on the good days, I make note of it.

They say it’s one of the hardest things for us to do when we have Borderline Personality Disorder –  to remember another state of emotion when we are so intensely engrossed in the one that is happening right now – but I find it’s really helpful to make note of the good days– make note of things that make you feel good, things that make you happy, things that make you smile – so when you’re in those same circumstances but you’re being affected by the negative emotions and the anxiety and depression, you can recall that, and it kind of gives a sense of hope that it can be that way again. It just totally sucks right now. And, I know it does, and I’m not trying to minimize it, but please know that you’re not alone.

Thank you guys so much for everything. I really appreciate it, and I look forward to seeing you in the next video or on my next blog post, and I hope you have a great rest of the day.  Thank you. Bye.”

9 comments:

  1. Wow Debbie.
    That was so beautifully honest. In our group we call those days 'The dark night of the soul'. It helps me as I know that the 'light' will come back after the 'night'. I am so Thankful that you felt well enough that you could post this. Blessings always and still sending those healing thoughts for you x

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  2. I am sitting in my car crying (in a good way!) at how the things you say are exactly what I've felt at times. Especially the struggle to remember ever feeling any different to a strong negative emotion. It just takes over everything! Overriding it is so hard.

    But I am so glad you have stayed safe and are feeling back on the up, even if just in little ways. Is it really horrible of me to say this - but it is so inspiring to hear about your struggles being real and how you overcame them! Of course I don't mean AT ALL that I'm glad you struggled, just that it's warming to my little heart to know that someone as highly skilled as you with DBT still has hard days too and that no one is perfect.

    Otherwise if you were "healed" from BPD and never had a problem it would be like reading a non-BPD person's blog - and I think BPDs learning from each other, because we understand the experience, is so much more meaningful and helpful than just our doctors and psychologists telling us about it.

    Which is why your blog means so much to me! Here's a creepy thought for you: I imagine rubbing it on my emotional wounds like a soothing balm! Yes I'm weird!

    Love from Cloud Rabbit (Jess) xox

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    Replies
    1. Healing From BPD balm?! Hmmmmm..... :)))))
      Thank you Jess. I am so glad you felt comforted and that you had tears of release, knowing that there is ALWAYS hope. Thank you for what you said about how talking about the struggles, as well as the triumphs and victories, are what make this blog what it is - an honest, genuine resource for those coping with BPD. I am so glad you're a part of it! ♥

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  3. It will be 9 years on sunday since my Dad's suicide. It always affects me every year but this year is the first year i haven't blocked out the hurt using self harm or drugs.
    It hurts the same as it did all those years ago. The intensity of my emotions is so great at the moment i feel like i'm constantly trying to keep a lid on it, at any moment i feel like it could pop off and i will start crying.
    Over the last week, since finding your blog you have encouraged me to use my skills even when i don't feel like it.
    The night before last i was crying for hours and couldn't stop. I finally told myself that i needed to distract myself with something else or i would be there all night crying. So i did and it worked to the point where i ended up laughing with my boyfriend.
    BPD is so hard to live with, it helps so much reading your blog:)

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    Replies
    1. Dearest Rainbow,

      Thank you for sharing your heart here in this way. I am both so sorry for your tragic loss of your Dad and incredibly proud of you for surviving this year without hurting yourself or using drugs!!! That is a HUGE accomplishment given all of the pain and suffering you've endured. You should also be very proud of yourself. I hope you are.

      You are doing a great job being aware of and describing your feelings. When I feel that intense, I usually find the DBT worksheet 1a, Describing Emotions to be very helpful. It slows me down and gives me a better understanding of what's happening in my mind.


      I am

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    2. so glad that you found my blog and that you find it helpful and encouraging. It makes it all worth it for me. Sending you a huge hug and wishing you a ton of strength as you continue on with this success!

      Hugs,
      Debbie

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  4. Thank you! Having one of those types of days...not sure if its due to a serious physical health problem, a mental health problem or both, but that doesn't matter...It is what it is. I've recently 'discovered' you on you tube and this is my first time on your blog. WOW! You have grown so much and you are an inspiration. I started to make a list (cut and paste) of lines from your blog that I recognized myself in, but it appears I will write them out due to copy right issues, as notes, if that's okay. It will help me during those 'alone' times, which are most of the time since I live in the woods and don't see another human for a week at a time. It is very helpful to know that some one has been there, done that, felt that. Not trying to hyjack your blog. I'm long winded! Thank you.

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    1. Hello Dufzor. Thank you so much for sharing here. I am so excited that you found my blog and that you find it helpful. As a note, a selection of the first 100 posts have been compiled in an ebook. If you click the tab "My Books" at the top of this page, you can get more info. Hope you feel better soon!

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