Is Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder Truly Possible?
First of all, I'm
going to say something that some may consider a little controversial. Full
recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder is possible. I have heard a lot
of people say that you only ever learn how to manage it and live with it (and
some not even that), but I disagree. I have fundamentally changed - I am still
"me" but I am also very different to who I was even a relatively
short time ago. Debbie has asked me to write about this, and I will do my best
to explain what has changed and how it has happened.
How BPD showed up in my life:
In some ways, I
was very typically "borderline." My past is full of drama, inconsistency and, to
put not too fine a point on it, failure. Despite having the academic ability I
never went to university; I barely managed to hold down a (part- time) job for
more than a few years at a time and was sacked on more than one occasion; I've
had no relationship last longer than two years and, worst of all, I have a
seventeen-year-old son I have never consistently looked after (he lives with my
mother across the country).
All of these factors obviously reflect a very
emotionally troubled and unstable young woman. I have taken several overdoses
(my first at age fourteen) either out of desperation or as a genuine attempt to
end my life. Most of my family do not speak to me.
I have no friends I have
known for longer than four years. My life had been a series of 'phases' usually
based on who I was in a relationship with at the time. Like most people with
BPD, I had serious attachment issues tied in with identity disturbance which
dominated my whole life for as far back as I can remember. Everything had been
about my moods, and my moods were nearly always influenced by those around me.
From hypomanic when things were going well to suicidal low mood (with the added
complication of a separate diagnosis of severe depression) when things were
bad. Quite often in the same hour, or even minute. You know what I'm talking
about.
Despite being in
and out of psychiatric care of one form or another since I was fifteen, I wasn't
diagnosed as having BPD until Spring last year after having waited to see a
psychiatrist for several months. I was then put on a waiting list to receive
Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) as it's the only treatment for BPD available
on the NHS in my area.
I began seeing a counsellor in the Autumn, and after
roughly ten sessions she decided that I had already recovered sufficiently and
didn't need further treatment. She, in fact, said that I had developed skills
that most 'normal' people never do. The reason that I wasn't diagnosed until
the point where I had almost recovered is because a) I had been in denial about
what was wrong with me so I wasn't giving them the information that would have
lead to diagnosis, and b) in Britain, when you wait to see a specialist in any
medical field, you can wait a very long time.
So I think I
need to answer two questions here:
What did I do to recover, and how do I know
I've actually recovered if I was only first diagnosed roughly a year ago?:
First
things first: I have always been a problem solver, and for some reason (either
maturity or desperation) I turned this ability on myself a few years ago.
It
went something like this as an example: "My boyfriend has gone away and I
feel lost, alone and empty, I need him with me. I can't stand this, I hate
myself. I want to die."
Instead of falling back on my old mal-adaptive
coping strategies (heavy-drinking, chain-smoking, manipulative behaviour etc.), I tried to work out why I felt this way.
I realised that I felt just the same
way I did when I was a small child and my mum would go away (I was a
super-clingy child) and then I thought about why I was like that as a child -
because my older siblings bullied me relentlessly, and I never felt safe unless
I was with my mum.
I had heard about attachment issues so I read up on them and
learned what was going on with me. I came across the concept of the 'inner
child' and read about that, I read about healing and building self-esteem and
dealing with shame. In essence, I did a lot of thinking, a lot of writing (a
journal helps my thinking process) and a lot of reading.
My journals from this period
During a very
intense period of self-analysis I wrote hundreds of pages, read dozens of books
and figured out why I am the way I am. Of course, just knowing 'why' doesn't
automatically fix it but it's a beginning. (I'm trying to bear in mind that
Debbie asked me to write a guest post and not a manual so I will try to
summarise as best I can.)
Putting it simply: self-analysis -> self-awareness
-> understanding -> forgiveness -> compassion -> self-love.
That is
the process I went through, but along the way I also had to learn a number of
valuable skills, such as re-parenting my inner child (an ongoing process);
deep-breathing through emotional crises and self-esteem building techniques. I
learned most of the skills l needed from books and the rest from paying
attention to how my 'healthy' friends dealt with life, relationships etc.
(Please bear in mind that various techniques and skills work differently for everyone
and we all have to find our own path to recovery, no two people with BPD have
the same experience.)
Some of the books I read
during my recovery
(A list of the all of books Clare read are at the bottom of this post.)
So how do I know
that I am truly recovered?:
Firstly there is the professional opinion of the
counsellor I saw who was very thorough.
Secondly, I have had 'false
recovery' before - back when my diagnosis was Bipolar Disorder I went into a
manic phase and abandoned therapy and medications - I know the difference
between recovery and high mood and it has mostly to do with lack of tension and
not thinking you know everything (I won't go into that too much here).
Most
importantly, I know I am recovered because of what recovery is: learning and
accepting who you are (flaws and all); developing essential 'life-skills' and
healthy coping mechanisms not learned in childhood; learning love and
compassion for yourself (being able to treat yourself as well as you would a
loved-one); and being able to cope with what life throws at you, as well as
anyone can (we're all human, after all).
Although I still
have to stand the test of time, my life is very different today than it ever
was. I am in a very stable relationship, living with someone who is right for
me. In the past I tried to make myself fit people who weren't right for me
because of my attachment issues and not accepting who I am. Now that I have
learned to accept who I am and I'm no longer ashamed of myself, others also
accept me for who I am and respect me as I respect myself - that is how all
relationships work. My friendships are more stable now, I have learned the
skills needed to cement good long-term friendships. I get on better with my son
and my mum and they see a big difference in me.
I haven't worked
for several years, both due to depression and BPD. But jobs are similar to
relationships, you have to find the right fit or you end up making yourself
more ill. Now that I understand myself better I can choose a job that is right
for me and I know what that looks like now. I am fortunate to not be under too
much financial pressure to find work at the moment but when I do I'm confident
that it will be a very different story than before.
The Acceptance Piece:
One of the most
crucial and difficult aspects of recovery is acceptance. Acceptance isn't about
liking everything about yourself, it's about not fighting who you are. It took
me a long time to get my head around acceptance, I didn't think it would ever
happen and it was a gradual, frustrating process.
I don't like everything about
me, and I often get annoyed with myself but I don't beat myself up about it. I
think about how I can change the stuff that it's possible to change and I
simply accept the rest, for example, I will always be moody but now it's within
'normal' range and isn't erratic.
I am very sensitive, this is not a flaw, it's part of what makes me who I am and it has
its good and bad sides.
I am careful about the films and TV I watch because I
respect that side of me, so do the people around me - I do not apologise for
who I am. Being sensitive makes me very empathetic and caring, I am a good
friend and I have helped a lot of people feel better about themselves because
of my sensitivity - I wouldn't change it for the world. I am always going to be
highly emotional, it's a part of being sensitive to experience overwhelming
emotions at times, I have learned to let myself do what's needed to get it out
of my system (usually a good old cry) and then when I'm calm I'll figure out
what to do about whatever set me off.
I am much less likely to be triggered
now, both due to the changes in my life and the stability that those changes
have brought about for me. I also appreciate that I can experience very strong
positive feelings that a lot of people just can't (an ex once told me people
took drugs to have the euphoric experiences I do). I will always move from one
obsessive interest to the next, it's not about seeking an identity or being
dissatisfied with who I am, it's because I have a very low boredom threshold. I
have known many people with this characteristic who were perfectly healthy -
sometimes it's frustrating, mostly it's fun. I miss my boyfriend when he goes
away on trips but I don't feel lost and alone without him. I get on with being
me. I haven't felt lost and empty for a very long time. I know who I am now.
I do not think I
have reached some magical end point - I am a work in progress and always will
be. I am still learning about myself and what makes me happy but isn't
everyone?
Unless they've totally given up on life that is. I no longer meet
diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, I am still seeing a
psychiatrist every few months but that is because of my long history of
depression which I am hopeful I have also recovered from but it's too soon to
call that one.
I have given a lot of thought to developing my methods of
recovery into a programme to help others with BPD, I have many, many ideas for
this and I am very excited about the prospect but I am also considering whether
I am suited to taking on such huge responsibility, I am learning not to rush
into things without thought of consequences. I might just start with a book...
-- Clare B.
You can find Clare at her:
I recommend following her to stay up to date with her plans.
Thanks for reading. More soon.
Here is a list of the books Clare read to assist her in her recovery:
- Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships
- Addictive Thinking: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior
- The Art of Being
- The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living
- Being Happy!
- Beyond Fear
- The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living With BPD
- The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating
- The Disowned Self
- Dorothy Rowe's Guide to Life
- The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything
- Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ
- Evolutionary Psychology: A Beginner's Guide
- Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
- The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
- The Highly Sensitive Person
- How To Talk To Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
- An Idea in Practice: Using the Human Givens Approach << highly recommended by Clare
- Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families
- Human Givens << highly recommended by Clare
- How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence
- Loving What Is: How Four Questions Can Change Your Life
- The Mindfulness Code: Keys for Overcoming Stress, Anxiety, Fear, and Unhappiness
- The Noonday Demon: An Anatomy of Depression
- The Origin of Everyday Moods: Managing Energy, Tension, and Stress
- People Skills
- Rescuing the Inner Child: Therapy for Adults Sexually Abused as Children
- The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
- Toward a Psychology of Being
- An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
- Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives
- Worry Cure
- 50 Self-Help Classics: 50 Inspirational Books to Transform Your Life from Timeless Sages to Contemporary Gurus