Sundays can be a bit difficult in terms of my BPD symptoms. In reality, Sunday means that the weekend is winding down and that my boyfriend and I go back to work tomorrow – just as we do every week and have every week for as long as we’ve been together.
The scared, little girl inside of me, a part of me that I am learning to nurture and learning to set boundaries with so that she does not “run the show,” so to speak, sees Sunday evening as a threat. She feels anxious and uncomfortable. The routine, once again, will change, and the man in her life – who she often clings to and sees as a source of constancy and normality, will go off to work, “leaving her alone” in the big, cold world.
She felt secure all weekend, by his side, doing their usual, typical weekend things: running errands, enjoying lunch at a favorite hot spot, taking a nap or too. Now, they will be apart. All week. Except for after work.
For the typical person without BPD, it may be difficult to understand why I, or anyone with BPD would take something so “normal” and feel so threatened by it.
For me, it is a few things that I believe come together to cause this anxiety, but mostly, it is my struggle with identity.
I have described myself to doctors (which ultimately led to my diagnosis last year), as a chameleon. While I have some things about myself that I know are a part of me, I have a survival mechanism in me where I have learned to mimic those who I am with and to “read” them so that I behave in ways that they find acceptable – essentially so that they will accept and like me and not reject me.
This may sound manipulative, and to a degree, it is. But for SO many years, I did it unconsciously. Now, I am much more aware, can catch myself doing it, and can be compassionate as I work toward figuring out who I am – not who I think others want me to be. It is exhausting to “be one way” all weekend only to shape-shift to be “someone else” at work for my boss and co-workers.
Every Sunday, things change again.
No doubt, the survival mechanism to be like a chameleon stems from childhood, which was rocky, uncertain, unstable, and often scary.
Now, it doesn’t serve me, and it is one of the things I am working on in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Group.
I am off to try to enjoy this night by doing some things that I find fun – including watching Celebrity Apprentice. I’ll write more soon.
May your Sunday evening be less stressful, less anxiety-filled, and my your heart be filled with more peace.