What is the Chameleon Personality in BPD?
Many people living with BPD traits feel like they have a chameleon personality. You might notice that you unconsciously adopt the mannerisms, opinions, or even the ‘temperature’ of the people around you. This isn’t a choice; it’s a deep-seated need for validation.
Having a chameleon personality can make it hard to trust your own senses. You might look outside of yourself to decide how to feel or even what to think. This experience is a common part of BPD identity disturbance. But, there is a way to find your own stable ground.
I have another post about how many of us with Borderline Personality Disorder behave or feel like chameleons. It’s called “Sundays Can Be Difficult for the BPD Chameleon.” Check that one out later. This post today focuses on a specific example of the chameleon phenomenon and what I have begun to notice.
Example of What Chameleon Personality Can Look and Feel Like
I was visiting my boyfriend at his office. Dressed in sweats, a short-sleeved shirt, and a hoodie, I began to feel very warm. Instead of just listening to my body and the cues it was giving me, I immediately looked outside of myself. I looked at him and others to notice what they were wearing. Surely if they weren’t warm, I must not be either. Or maybe there was something “wrong” with me for being the only one feeling warm.
I decided to do a reality check and asked my boyfriend casually, “Hot in here, huh?” He responded, “Yeah, it really is.” Ah. So my body was right.
I do this with other things, too. I’ve literally asked people to smell food to tell me if smelled “ok” or to feel my forehead for a temperature — all because I don’t feel secure in my own ability to determine these things and completely take responsibility for caring for myself. I’m often afraid that if I don’t get that validation or reassurance from someone else (usually someone older, but it can be a peer or someone younger), I just am not sure what I, personally, feel or think.
When we don’t trust our own perceptions, it’s often because we’re afraid that being ‘different’ from the people around us will cause a disconnect. This is deeply rooted in the same fear of abandonment that can lead to behaviors like BPD ghosting.
The Struggle with Thinking and Feeling When You Have Chameleon Personality
I came across this diagram and find it interesting. Does it speak to you, too?
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| Image Credit |
The antidote to the chameleon personality is the practice of <strong>Self-Validation. It starts small: the next time you feel a physical sensation or a spark of an opinion, try to acknowledge it without looking at anyone else first. Simply saying to yourself, ‘I feel warm, and that is okay,’ or ‘I don’t like this song, and that is valid,’ creates a tiny anchor for your true identity. Over time, these small acts of self-trust help you feel safe enough to stop shapeshifting and start standing in your own truth.
Thank you for reading.
More Soon.
Update from Debbie: If you often feel like you’re “shapeshifting” just to feel safe or accepted, you aren’t alone. In my live online DBT classes, we work on skills like Self-Validation and building a solid sense of self. Check out our upcoming class schedule here.
Yes! This definitely speaks to me! I often look for permission to feel what I'm feeling. I will feel genuinely unsure of what my opinion is until other people exhibit theirs.
If other people feel vastly different to me, I usually adjust my opinions. If they're the same, I feel validated.
Thanks for writing!
Yes! This definitely speaks to me! I often look for permission to feel what I'm feeling. I will feel genuinely unsure of what my opinion is until other people exhibit theirs.
If other people feel vastly different to me, I usually adjust my opinions. If they're the same, I feel validated.
Thanks for writing!
Thank you so much for sharing how you can relate!
Thank you so much for sharing how you can relate!
YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Parenting is especially weird when I feel like if my own intuition does not match up with other people's opinions, then I have to be the one to change. Because of this, I have been manipulated into doing things I don't like before. Usually I come back to my own way of thinking, but it is really hard to trust my own perceptions.
YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Parenting is especially weird when I feel like if my own intuition does not match up with other people's opinions, then I have to be the one to change. Because of this, I have been manipulated into doing things I don't like before. Usually I come back to my own way of thinking, but it is really hard to trust my own perceptions.
Looking for validation…uhmmm…. definately been there.
Looking for validation…uhmmm…. definately been there.
Thanks for sharing how you can relate. ♥
Thanks for sharing how you can relate. ♥
:0) Thanks for sharing, Daniela. ♥
:0) Thanks for sharing, Daniela. ♥