Of course, this was before I began to really “get” the skills I’ve been learning in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), but when I called her a couple of months ago to explain and ask her forgiveness, she informed me that she was no longer interested in being my friend. It hurt, but I can’t say that I don’t understand why she had finally had enough. I only wish that she had given me a chance to show her the improved me – the one who now turns (most of the time) to practical, healthy choices instead of self-sabotaging and self-harm. But, again, she’s not interested. There’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried to convince myself that she’s a “jerk” and that I’m better off without her, but the truth is that I love her, and I am so sad that, at the time I was friends with her, I wasn’t yet ready to be a friend. I was very needy, clingy, and almost always had a crisis. My mood was here, there, and everywhere, and I would end up in the E.R. freaking out. I really didn’t know how to be there for her and constantly set up a dynamic where I was in need of her rescuing. I can see it now, but I couldn’t then.
Speaking of relationships, I’ve invested most of my emotional stock in my boyfriend who, while I know he loves me as a person, is also someone that I pushed far, far away with my emotional outbursts, hospital visits, and repeated promises that I would change. The change within me really has begun to come due to a lot of hard work in DBT, but I can tell it’s come too late for him as well. I have been feeling really emotional about this lately. I wonder if you have any idea how desperately I wish I could undo the hurt, pain, confusion, and destruction I caused around me and to the people I love, especially my boyfriend. He has put up with SO MUCH.
Now he’s deciding (for a myriad of his own personal reasons, including the issues with me) to go and live with family abroad for a few months. I’m freaking out. I don’t want him to go, and I have been dissociating and going into denial. I know that one of the reasons we have disconnected is because I suddenly began to get very triggered during intimacy with him. Not to gross you out, but I would literally throw up. I don’t know what is going on when this happens, but I’ve avoided sex due to the anxiety around having another episode like this. He has no idea why I became this way, and to be honest, neither do I. Something from the past is coming up. I’ve gathered from his comments and demeanor that he just really doesn’t know what to do to “help” or “fix” me. I’ve explained that he doesn’t have to.
The good news is, he says that he has seen a huge improvement in me since really getting into DBT. This is a lot coming from him, as he would always say to me, when I relapsed: “all that therapy, psychiatrists, therapists, emergency rooms, groups — and you’re still the same year after year.” I don’t hear that anymore. I take that as a very good sign of progress.
Thanks for reading.