I hate it when I feel this way. For those of you who are in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), you probably, like me, recognize the word “hate” as being very strong and extreme. When I’ve used it in the past with my psychiatrist, she said, “Why don’t you try describing how you feel with a less intense word?”
Alright…I feel extremely irritated, agitated, and annoyed. This mood, unfortunately, tends to show up most weekday nights at around 7 pm. By then, the structure and errands of the day are winding down. I’ve made dinner, eaten, and cleaned up the kitchen. I’m usually sitting on the couch, surfing the net, playing with my kitties, and waiting for my favorite television shows to come on.
That’s when the feelings of emptiness creep up. I notice that I am bored and extremely discontent. I have no real reason. I think about all of the things going right in my life and all I have to be thankful for. It then makes even less sense that I would continue to feel so irritated and even angry…but I do.
I mentioned to my therapist how this aspect of moodiness is especially difficult for me. She suggested using the DBT skill of Radical Acceptance. Of course this had crossed my mind, but I am not really “there” yet with this particular issue. I haven’t been able to come to terms with and accept this deep dip in mood that feels so incredibly uncomfortable and upsetting. It doesn’t last forever, but each time it visits, it feels as if it will.
One of the things I’ve learned is that many of us with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) tend to forget that emotional states are temporary. It may be hard for us to recall a time when we felt similar and then got though it. Knowing this, I have deliberately reminded myself, whenever I deal with extreme, intense, emotional episodes, that I have been through this before and made it though. It really helps. It feels very unnatural at first, but a with anything, time and practice have made it easier. The frustrating part about this mood is how regularly it occurs.
So, right now, all I really feel up to doing is noticing and describing this particular mood and the mood swings, using Wise Mind, improving the moment, and self soothing. It is still way too difficult to imagine radically accepting this. I’m doing best I can with what I have and where I am in this moment.
Thank you for reading. More soon.