When I got to work, I noticed the feeling manifest itself in the form of insecurity. My work fluctuates from being very busy to having hardly anything to do. Today was a slow day, and one these days I tend to get anxious. I want to “look busy” in case my boss or co-worker walks through my work area or flat out asks what I am doing.
I decided that perhaps I should be proactive and let some staff members know that I am available for busy work when my work load is light. I did so, and when I didn’t receive the thankful reaction and offers of work that I hoped for, I felt awkward and insecure. I wished I hadn’t volunteered. I immediately and intensely worried that they would think I had nothing to do, ever. I worried that they would think I was useless and disposable. I noticed that this was black or white, all or nothing thinking, and most people don’t think this way. They probably were not thinking that….but I worried that they might be.
My stomach felt a bit upset – perhaps a mix of something physical along with the anxiety that I was experiencing. I took care of myself by making sure that I ate (even though I didn’t feel like it) and drank water. I treated myself to a couple of pieces of hard butterscotch candy to improve the moment and self-soothe.
I also tweeted some thoughts I had that I was using to regain my Wise Mind:
|My Twitter is HealingFromBPD|
I left work early and headed home. I didn’t feel like doing any of my errands, but I chose to do two of them. The others were not time sensitive and could wait until tomorrow.