Discovering who you are when you have Borderline Personality Disorder is definitely a journey. You become so used to molding and conforming yourself to fit your surroundings that it’s difficult at first to determine which, if any, of the activities, interests, and preferences you have that you have been pursuing are really, indeed, your own.
I have decided to make mental notes of moments that I catch glimpses of who I really am, and you may find it interesting to do the same. As an extension of the mental notes, tonight I am going to document 2 things that I believe are the “real me.” These are things that seem to stay constant regardless of who’s company I am in or whether I am in crisis or not. I hope that you may relate in some way.
Here we go:
1.) I don’t like to eat meat. I am a vegetarian.
For years I have tried to make myself eat meat because it is convenient for others and most other people eat it. But, hands down, this is true for me: I prefer not to eat meat and have changed my diet so that I do not have to.
2.) Writing is my passion, and it’s what I am good at.
For years I would look at successful people and want to be like them. I would think that the passion they pursued must be the answer, and if I followed it too, I would be successful and happy. Years ago, I began following a makeup artist on YouTube. I loved her vivacious, upbeat personality and thought it was so awesome that she was doing what she loved and had so much passion. I spent hundreds of dollars traveling to Los Angeles to take her classes, spent hours watching “how-to” videos, and practiced on friends and family. I sucked. I didn’t get that it wasn’t makeup artistry that was my answer…or massage therapy…or real estate…or any of the myriad of other things I tried while emulating others…I needed to find what MY passion and talent really was. I have found that, for me, writing comes naturally. It is a means of expression and my own personal therapy. It is what I love to do. It is my passion.
I wanted to go beyond 2 items and realized that I have a lot more searching to do.
What about you? What is ONE thing (or more, if you can think of them!) that you know is the REAL you? These are things about you that stay static and pretty much constant regardless of who you are with.
I look forward to your sharing.
Thanks for reading.