An Open Letter From Those of Us With Borderline Personality Disorder
An Open Letter From those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder:
Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder,
You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. It’s not your fault. You are not the cause of our suffering. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. But it’s not your fault. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready.
It is possible that something that you said or did “triggered” us. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, that’s not always possible, and it’s not always clear why something sets off a trigger.
The mind is very complex. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didn’t feel safe, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat — a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.)
Butplease know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior, we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation.
This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we don’t have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways.
We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience “burn out” from worrying about us and the repeated behavior.
Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better.
These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving.
One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of being abandoned, and we therefore (often unconsciously) sometimes behave in extreme, frantic ways to avoid this from happening. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic.
Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them – deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. We may avoid you, not answer calls, and decline invitations to be around you — and other times, all we want to do is be around you.
This is called splitting, and it’s part of the disorder. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. We’re not saying it’s “right.” We can work through this destructive pattern and learn how to be healthier in the context of relationships. It just doesn’t come naturally to us. It will take time and a lot of effort.
It’s difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you don’t have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you.
In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are. You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group – dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? It’s as if we haven’t outgrown that.
Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how we’ve gotten our nickname of “chameleons.” Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It’s that extreme.
For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. We haven’t outgrown this.
Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. We can’t imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. Again – this is NOT your fault.
The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that “this too shall pass” and practice DBT skills – especially self-soothing – things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness. It’s smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on.
On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. It’s important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This is just another manifestation of BPD.
We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions.Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims.
Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we do not become out of control. We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstances…and we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you.
Another thing you may have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces. This is called dissociation. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better.
But, what about you?
If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too. Here are some ideas:
Remind yourself that the person’s behavior isn’t your fault
Tap into your compassion for the person’s suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering
Do things to take care of YOU. On the resources page of this blog, there is a wealth of information on books, workbooks, CDs, movies, etc. for you to understand this disorder and take care of yourself. Be sure to check it out!
In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath — whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted.
Ask questions. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD.
Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident
Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have.
This is my second year in DBT. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed.
My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved one’s condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road.
I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. Hope can be returned. A normal life can be had. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you don’t give up. I wish you peace.
Thank you for reading.
More Soon.
The author of this letter has since RECOVERED from Borderline Personality Disorder and no longer meets the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. There is HOPE for you and your loved one. Recovery happened through a commitment to DBT. Debbie now teaches the DBT skills that helped change her life over at DBTpath.net where you can take online Dialectical Behavior Therapy Classes from anywhere in the world. You *can* overcome this disorder!
UPDATE: A video version of this letter, complete with narration and text, is now available for viewing and sharing by clicking HERE.
https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/healing-from-bpd-300x225-1.png00Debbie (author)https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/healing-from-bpd-300x225-1.pngDebbie (author)2012-07-08 23:24:002018-12-16 15:34:09An Open Letter From Those of Us With Borderline Personality Disorder
218replies
Anonymous says:
Thank you for writing this. It was so helpful to me. Yes I can see that that it is a long difficult road. You are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself. And to help others like you do! Again tks for this:)
Thank you for writing this. It was so helpful to me. Yes I can see that that it is a long difficult road. You are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself. And to help others like you do! Again tks for this:)
Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! Shows that YES there is hope and not only have you found it but, you have it held tightly in your grasp!! I have only receintly learned of BDP when searching for answers to why my relationship was not able to progress. Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. Thank you once again. Keep up all the good work here! It makes a difference for us!!
Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! Shows that YES there is hope and not only have you found it but, you have it held tightly in your grasp!! I have only receintly learned of BDP when searching for answers to why my relationship was not able to progress. Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. Thank you once again. Keep up all the good work here! It makes a difference for us!!
I have been diagnosed with other things except for this. I have read through a lot of your blog and so much of it sounds like me. The most ironic thing is: I went to school to be a counselor. This is the most dreaded Dx to come across according to my colleagues…if it was so bad, why would it be my problem?
Between my parents, family, and middle school, I have enough scarring that just won't heal up right. It has resulted in many failed friendships and rejections, one failed relationship, and has damaged my current one (why he has stayed, I don't really know).
I plan on finding someone who does DBT in my area. Can you get it without having a BPD Dx on your file? Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? Thank you for all you honesty and compassion.
As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group….How do you feel about that?
Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. We need help with how he can support me and she is willing to speak to us about what its like for families of BPD. I'm so proud of him that he agreed very graciously to attend and learn these skills.
Thanks for writing this. It will help many (like me) who haven't put all these beautiful words and explanations together in such a succinct and informative way….You should be very proud of this as you have quite a command of BPD and how to present it in a respectful and honest manner.
As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group….How do you feel about that?
Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. We need help with how he can support me and she is willing to speak to us about what its like for families of BPD. I'm so proud of him that he agreed very graciously to attend and learn these skills.
Thanks for writing this. It will help many (like me) who haven't put all these beautiful words and explanations together in such a succinct and informative way….You should be very proud of this as you have quite a command of BPD and how to present it in a respectful and honest manner.
I have BPD and I'm currently in grad school to get a Master's in social work. I just completed my first year, and everything wasn't as perfect as I hoped it would be. There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" I made it though, and I now know that I have so much to offer to my future clients because of my own experience with mental illnesses. You don't have to be completely "healed" to pursue your dreams. I have friends with mental illnesses who are therapists, and I've even had a therapist who struggled with an eating disorder. And guess what? Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! Now go for it!! 🙂
I have BPD and I'm currently in grad school to get a Master's in social work. I just completed my first year, and everything wasn't as perfect as I hoped it would be. There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" I made it though, and I now know that I have so much to offer to my future clients because of my own experience with mental illnesses. You don't have to be completely "healed" to pursue your dreams. I have friends with mental illnesses who are therapists, and I've even had a therapist who struggled with an eating disorder. And guess what? Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! Now go for it!! 🙂
Oh Debbie, once again, you have kept it real. I wish I had read this 6 year's ago. I could have given it to my husband and things may have been different. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. It can often produce stereotyping and be frightening and misleading. However, your information, resources and support are consistent, real, accurate and like the comfort of a warm blanket on a cold night. Thank you for sharing especially during your own struggles. It gives me hope.x
Oh Debbie, once again, you have kept it real. I wish I had read this 6 year's ago. I could have given it to my husband and things may have been different. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. It can often produce stereotyping and be frightening and misleading. However, your information, resources and support are consistent, real, accurate and like the comfort of a warm blanket on a cold night. Thank you for sharing especially during your own struggles. It gives me hope.x
I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. I have subjected myself to 2 abusive relationships, and have 2 children by both of my abusers. I have successfully alienated my oldest who is 12 and see how my behaviors are effecting my youngest who is 7. I am scared, and I am alone. My family "tolerates" me. I have the unique ability to "throw people off" my scent when they get close to calling me out on stuff…The only reason why I am here is because my oldest told me tonight that he knows that I am "unwell" and expressed himself honestly about those characteristics in my behavior that are destroying him emotionally… to be fair, I am dealing with a lot of unnormal stuff, but am really unclear as to where it all ends and I begin… I really have no idea, and I am miserable. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. I am about to go to my brothers wedding and a ton of my family will be there. I have absolutely no desire to go since my mother, who is one of my past abusers will be there , and I would rather slit my wrists then be around her because she triggers me CONSTANTLY and seems to enjoy doing so… Please help me. I pray every night for God to help me…I would love some direction and support… Thank You.
I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. I have subjected myself to 2 abusive relationships, and have 2 children by both of my abusers. I have successfully alienated my oldest who is 12 and see how my behaviors are effecting my youngest who is 7. I am scared, and I am alone. My family "tolerates" me. I have the unique ability to "throw people off" my scent when they get close to calling me out on stuff…The only reason why I am here is because my oldest told me tonight that he knows that I am "unwell" and expressed himself honestly about those characteristics in my behavior that are destroying him emotionally… to be fair, I am dealing with a lot of unnormal stuff, but am really unclear as to where it all ends and I begin… I really have no idea, and I am miserable. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. I am about to go to my brothers wedding and a ton of my family will be there. I have absolutely no desire to go since my mother, who is one of my past abusers will be there , and I would rather slit my wrists then be around her because she triggers me CONSTANTLY and seems to enjoy doing so… Please help me. I pray every night for God to help me…I would love some direction and support… Thank You.
I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. I am currently single, but hoping that someday she comes back to me and we can have the life together that i so know God chose for us…… Whatever your doing don't quit, don't run, fight, struggle….. you deserve to be loved…. and "WE" your partners love you, even if today, this week, this month, this year, you hate "US"! -JB
I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. I am currently single, but hoping that someday she comes back to me and we can have the life together that i so know God chose for us…… Whatever your doing don't quit, don't run, fight, struggle….. you deserve to be loved…. and "WE" your partners love you, even if today, this week, this month, this year, you hate "US"! -JB
Thank you so much for this letter. It was both painful and hopeful to read it. I have strong reasons to beleive my exfiancée has BPD. She is a wonderful Woman and I love her with all my heart, my life, my everything. I´ve read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. She can´t acknowledge there is a problem, much less attend therapy or consider consulting a therapist. This situation has been devastating because we were planning to get married and I wanted nothing more than that but her unwillingness to even realize that there could be something and act is what made me left, also because I was already showing signs of burn out such as anxiety, insomnia and depression that led me to my own therapy. I´ve not recovered fully from this. I want nothing more than get back with her but I don´t know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and won´t leave. However the couple of times I suggested this we just fight and nothing came from it. I don´t want to live without her but it is hard to live with her if there is not some hope of improvement at her hipersensitivity, overreactions, constant blame and white and black thinking. I guess my point is, Is there hope for a person with BPD that can even realize that something is wrong despite I can see many symptoms? Thank you so much for your guidance.
Thank you so much for this letter. It was both painful and hopeful to read it. I have strong reasons to beleive my exfiancée has BPD. She is a wonderful Woman and I love her with all my heart, my life, my everything. I´ve read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. She can´t acknowledge there is a problem, much less attend therapy or consider consulting a therapist. This situation has been devastating because we were planning to get married and I wanted nothing more than that but her unwillingness to even realize that there could be something and act is what made me left, also because I was already showing signs of burn out such as anxiety, insomnia and depression that led me to my own therapy. I´ve not recovered fully from this. I want nothing more than get back with her but I don´t know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and won´t leave. However the couple of times I suggested this we just fight and nothing came from it. I don´t want to live without her but it is hard to live with her if there is not some hope of improvement at her hipersensitivity, overreactions, constant blame and white and black thinking. I guess my point is, Is there hope for a person with BPD that can even realize that something is wrong despite I can see many symptoms? Thank you so much for your guidance.
Yes, I know. It's nice to hear this from a BPD perspective. My sister has borderline personality disorder and yes, I am separating myself from her because of the years of abuse directed to me and my family. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to even acknowledge that half the time (more than half the time) and I have had to take a zero tolerance for any crap in order to protect my family. My mother has to pretty much do the same thing. She loves her, she wants her to be happy, but to be verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically abused, she can't be always 'there' for her. I know it might seem I am heartless, but I have to put my own husband and my 5 children first. My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. Her idea of help is everyone doing what she wants, on her schedule. She feels fully justified in treating my mother with all sorts of nasty abusive language and accusations. My dad likely has BPD too because my mother lived through 30 years of marriage with this. If my sister would actually seek out the help she really does need, instead of expecting everyone to conform to her ideas and expectations, I would be a little more hopefully. But right now, she would react in a completely negative way to even the suggestion that she needs help. She's 30 years old. She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help.
Yes, I know. It's nice to hear this from a BPD perspective. My sister has borderline personality disorder and yes, I am separating myself from her because of the years of abuse directed to me and my family. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to even acknowledge that half the time (more than half the time) and I have had to take a zero tolerance for any crap in order to protect my family. My mother has to pretty much do the same thing. She loves her, she wants her to be happy, but to be verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically abused, she can't be always 'there' for her. I know it might seem I am heartless, but I have to put my own husband and my 5 children first. My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. Her idea of help is everyone doing what she wants, on her schedule. She feels fully justified in treating my mother with all sorts of nasty abusive language and accusations. My dad likely has BPD too because my mother lived through 30 years of marriage with this. If my sister would actually seek out the help she really does need, instead of expecting everyone to conform to her ideas and expectations, I would be a little more hopefully. But right now, she would react in a completely negative way to even the suggestion that she needs help. She's 30 years old. She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help.
ive been through the same, she knows she has it but cant have anyone know, she cant have people think shes not perfect and happy. ive stuck with her while she tells people 1365 dif reasons we arent together. she now cant be with me because what will people think if we are seen together? my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today… tomorrow..
ive been through the same, she knows she has it but cant have anyone know, she cant have people think shes not perfect and happy. ive stuck with her while she tells people 1365 dif reasons we arent together. she now cant be with me because what will people think if we are seen together? my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today… tomorrow..
I like this letter. It lays out the facts while giving room for the Non in the person with BPD's life options. If only we all got it laid out like this. I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part.
The one thing I would add is that people with BPD need to recognize that no matter the rationale for their actions, they do hurt people, and hurt people have a right to their feelings as much as people with BPD have a right to their own feelings. I know that there are some less-than-helpful sites for Nons, and there are some Nons with some serious issues of their own. That still doesn't negate the real pain that people with BPD do cause. This isn't to say that they're evil. But the pain is there all the same.
I like this letter. It lays out the facts while giving room for the Non in the person with BPD's life options. If only we all got it laid out like this. I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part.
The one thing I would add is that people with BPD need to recognize that no matter the rationale for their actions, they do hurt people, and hurt people have a right to their feelings as much as people with BPD have a right to their own feelings. I know that there are some less-than-helpful sites for Nons, and there are some Nons with some serious issues of their own. That still doesn't negate the real pain that people with BPD do cause. This isn't to say that they're evil. But the pain is there all the same.
It's hard. I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. I got my diagnosis when i was 18. I was in denial until 27 years old. I put my family through hell for years. Ironic though since it was my family putting me through hell for years that caused me to develop BPD. All i can say is it is a very long process. Don't write her off. Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. This is an extreemly complicated disorder. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. It's bloody hard work to change your whole life and how you live it. It's like you're a baby learning everything all over again. Not easy. When she does decide to get help, and i hope she does. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. I wish you all the best.
It's hard. I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. I got my diagnosis when i was 18. I was in denial until 27 years old. I put my family through hell for years. Ironic though since it was my family putting me through hell for years that caused me to develop BPD. All i can say is it is a very long process. Don't write her off. Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. This is an extreemly complicated disorder. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. It's bloody hard work to change your whole life and how you live it. It's like you're a baby learning everything all over again. Not easy. When she does decide to get help, and i hope she does. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. I wish you all the best.
Debbie you have said what we all struggle to say. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. I feel helpless, powerless to get my feelings accross. Thanks, i'm going to share this with my partner.
Debbie you have said what we all struggle to say. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. I feel helpless, powerless to get my feelings accross. Thanks, i'm going to share this with my partner.
I have to agree with DBTChick. The most inspiring thing about what she said is that Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) recently came out as having BPD! She spent years in a mental hospital when she was younger — now look at all of the people she's helped and continues to help.
I have to agree with DBTChick. The most inspiring thing about what she said is that Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) recently came out as having BPD! She spent years in a mental hospital when she was younger — now look at all of the people she's helped and continues to help.
You know what, I wouldn't have been able to write it 6 years ago. Everything in it's perfect timing. I really appreciate all of the kind, encouraging words you've offered here. Thank you, and may the knowledge you acquire now help you to build a life worth living from here and forward. ♥
You know what, I wouldn't have been able to write it 6 years ago. Everything in it's perfect timing. I really appreciate all of the kind, encouraging words you've offered here. Thank you, and may the knowledge you acquire now help you to build a life worth living from here and forward. ♥
I am praying for you, too. I want to point out that you have a lot of clarity and insight into what's been happening for you and your desired boundaries around your family. You deserve to feel safe. If you are serious about hurting yourself, I need to ask you to please get medical attention right away. If it was just a figure of speech, please know that you can make choices to take care of YOU and to prioritize which relationships come first in your world. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to help you get started.
I am praying for you, too. I want to point out that you have a lot of clarity and insight into what's been happening for you and your desired boundaries around your family. You deserve to feel safe. If you are serious about hurting yourself, I need to ask you to please get medical attention right away. If it was just a figure of speech, please know that you can make choices to take care of YOU and to prioritize which relationships come first in your world. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to help you get started.
Thank you so much for your comment. You sound like a good and strong person with a huge heart. I am not really able to offer guidance, as I am just a peer with the BPD diagnosis, but as I've recommended to another reader, you may want to contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to point you in the right direction. ♥
I am so sorry that you are suffering as a result of your sister's behavior. That is certainly not easy. I don't think it is heartless that you've chosen to put your family first and set boundaries – that is healthy!
I hope that your sister receives the help that she needs and that you and your family get the support you deserve as well. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. ♥
Thank you so much for this letter. It brought tears to my eyes. I have passed it on to my family and friends who support me. I am currently waiting for DBT treatment and your blog and videos help me no end, i use them on a daily basis, like i'm warming up for the marathon which will be my DBT healing, hopefully.
Thank you so much for this letter. It brought tears to my eyes. I have passed it on to my family and friends who support me. I am currently waiting for DBT treatment and your blog and videos help me no end, i use them on a daily basis, like i'm warming up for the marathon which will be my DBT healing, hopefully.
I loved your letter. I believe my daughter has BPD. We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too.
I tried to help her by pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked her (!!!) and I guess I thought tough love would maybe get through to her, but it's been 3 and 1/2 years since I have seen or talked to her or my grandchildren. My heart breaks every day for them.
My mother talks to her and says she doesn't even sound like the person we used to know.
I have reached out several times over the years… and nothing… except mean posts on facebook that make me cry for months.
Thanks for your beautiful letter… it reminds me that she can't help it… and we were close for 32 years… so close. 🙁
I loved your letter. I believe my daughter has BPD. We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too.
I tried to help her by pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked her (!!!) and I guess I thought tough love would maybe get through to her, but it's been 3 and 1/2 years since I have seen or talked to her or my grandchildren. My heart breaks every day for them.
My mother talks to her and says she doesn't even sound like the person we used to know.
I have reached out several times over the years… and nothing… except mean posts on facebook that make me cry for months.
Thanks for your beautiful letter… it reminds me that she can't help it… and we were close for 32 years… so close. 🙁
i haven't figured out what i think about BPD.. i've been diagnosed with it several times and as a result the system has treated me TERRIBLY. before you all jump on me telling me i'm in denial don't want to get help etc i've done nothing but GET HELP for years. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". It wasn't untill this year, despite 15 years of being labelled, i was able to get that changed. this doesn't work for everyone, at all. But for what it's worth you're brave for writing this letter, and i hope for the people who are genuinely affected by this condition, they are heard supported and loved as they definitely don't need anymore shit.
i haven't figured out what i think about BPD.. i've been diagnosed with it several times and as a result the system has treated me TERRIBLY. before you all jump on me telling me i'm in denial don't want to get help etc i've done nothing but GET HELP for years. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". It wasn't untill this year, despite 15 years of being labelled, i was able to get that changed. this doesn't work for everyone, at all. But for what it's worth you're brave for writing this letter, and i hope for the people who are genuinely affected by this condition, they are heard supported and loved as they definitely don't need anymore shit.
I wish I could get my husband to read this. I want to get help, but I know we have no money. He seems to be in complete denial of my diagnosis. He says that the money we spent on therapy and meds has done nothing to help; he doesn't think it's worth it. I feel like he doesn't understand that it's a process it will take a long time. My mother has informed herself about bpd, so that she can give me the support I need in a way that I can accept it. I just wish my husband would do the same; I need his support more than I need my mothers.
I wish I could get my husband to read this. I want to get help, but I know we have no money. He seems to be in complete denial of my diagnosis. He says that the money we spent on therapy and meds has done nothing to help; he doesn't think it's worth it. I feel like he doesn't understand that it's a process it will take a long time. My mother has informed herself about bpd, so that she can give me the support I need in a way that I can accept it. I just wish my husband would do the same; I need his support more than I need my mothers.
I was diagnosed at around 21 but had it in my records as 'potential' at 16 because of severe depression, suicidal ideation, and self harm. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder.
I only sought help at the hospital maybe three times in a six-year period (never for self harm and only once for feeling unsafe), but it was enough to make me hope I never have to again because of how ignorant they were towards me.
The case workers I had treated me no better. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPD…it wasn't.
I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized I actually have complex PTSD. They have similar symptoms, but I don't believe they can be classified the same. I know people with BPD who were never abused or traumatized, so they can't really say BPD is actually a type of PTSD/trauma-based disorder either.
I am doing 99% better now that I got proper treatment for the eating disorder. It helped with a lot of other symptoms. It's kind of just an awesome miracle that I've come as far as I have.
I was diagnosed at around 21 but had it in my records as 'potential' at 16 because of severe depression, suicidal ideation, and self harm. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder.
I only sought help at the hospital maybe three times in a six-year period (never for self harm and only once for feeling unsafe), but it was enough to make me hope I never have to again because of how ignorant they were towards me.
The case workers I had treated me no better. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPD…it wasn't.
I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized I actually have complex PTSD. They have similar symptoms, but I don't believe they can be classified the same. I know people with BPD who were never abused or traumatized, so they can't really say BPD is actually a type of PTSD/trauma-based disorder either.
I am doing 99% better now that I got proper treatment for the eating disorder. It helped with a lot of other symptoms. It's kind of just an awesome miracle that I've come as far as I have.
Debbie, This was an amazing letter that you wrote!!! Spot on insight!! And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. Thank you so much. I also shared this letter with my husband so that maybe he will have a better understanding of what I go through. I wish I could show this to my boss. She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. I don't see what that has to do with anything. Yes, it's good to have a job so that i'm out of the house and not laying in bed all day. But working also adds more stressors to an already stressed out life. You have come a long way and thank you for helping the rest of us!!! 🙂
Debbie, This was an amazing letter that you wrote!!! Spot on insight!! And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. Thank you so much. I also shared this letter with my husband so that maybe he will have a better understanding of what I go through. I wish I could show this to my boss. She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. I don't see what that has to do with anything. Yes, it's good to have a job so that i'm out of the house and not laying in bed all day. But working also adds more stressors to an already stressed out life. You have come a long way and thank you for helping the rest of us!!! 🙂
I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. If you had told me 10 yrs ago I would be happily married and eventually become a mother I would have given you the finger and told you to shut the F up. I've been told I would always be this way, I would always be Borderline, always end up messing up my life, always needing care for my psycological issues. Once diagnosed BPD, always BPD. Don't give up on YOU. Don't let people (in my case a doctor) tell you that you will always be like this, that there is no way out. I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. I would live and die alone. I would never fall inlove and start a family. I would be a misserable person with no goals. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. Who would want ME? I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on life. I had struggled long and hard, it was enough. I thank higher powers for not leaving life. I would have missed my little princess daughter, missed my husband, missed out on my "recovery". I got therapy, I asked for help and got it. The right kind of help. The sort of help I needed. Sorry it had to take me so long to get it, but better late then never. All in all today I am successfull in all that I set my mind on to do. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. I got new "tools" to manage my feelings and how I feel about my self. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. I no longer do the things I used to do. I don't harm my self, don't act on impulse, don't fear abandonment… I am no longer scared or afraid to live and love. Live life to the fullest. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. There is a FUTURE, just DONT GIVE UP, be STRONG, get HELP. Love, Linda <3
I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. If you had told me 10 yrs ago I would be happily married and eventually become a mother I would have given you the finger and told you to shut the F up. I've been told I would always be this way, I would always be Borderline, always end up messing up my life, always needing care for my psycological issues. Once diagnosed BPD, always BPD. Don't give up on YOU. Don't let people (in my case a doctor) tell you that you will always be like this, that there is no way out. I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. I would live and die alone. I would never fall inlove and start a family. I would be a misserable person with no goals. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. Who would want ME? I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on life. I had struggled long and hard, it was enough. I thank higher powers for not leaving life. I would have missed my little princess daughter, missed my husband, missed out on my "recovery". I got therapy, I asked for help and got it. The right kind of help. The sort of help I needed. Sorry it had to take me so long to get it, but better late then never. All in all today I am successfull in all that I set my mind on to do. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. I got new "tools" to manage my feelings and how I feel about my self. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. I no longer do the things I used to do. I don't harm my self, don't act on impulse, don't fear abandonment… I am no longer scared or afraid to live and love. Live life to the fullest. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. There is a FUTURE, just DONT GIVE UP, be STRONG, get HELP. Love, Linda <3
My wife has BPD, and she sent me a link to this article so I could understand it better. I'm really glad she did; now I can see mistakes that I've made dealing with her, and I know how to be a better and more supportive husband. Thank you for the article.
My wife has BPD, and she sent me a link to this article so I could understand it better. I'm really glad she did; now I can see mistakes that I've made dealing with her, and I know how to be a better and more supportive husband. Thank you for the article.
I loved this!!! I am borderline, but also bipolar, which I take medication for. I'm fortunate enough to have a man in my life who is willing to put up with my ups and downs, how mean I can be for no reason… so many things.
I wish more people could understand what it's like, but you're right- we don't know what it's like for them to see us this way either.
I have never sought treatment (aside from counseling) for my BPD, because mostly group therapy is suggested and the last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of strangers about my problems… 🙁
I loved this!!! I am borderline, but also bipolar, which I take medication for. I'm fortunate enough to have a man in my life who is willing to put up with my ups and downs, how mean I can be for no reason… so many things.
I wish more people could understand what it's like, but you're right- we don't know what it's like for them to see us this way either.
I have never sought treatment (aside from counseling) for my BPD, because mostly group therapy is suggested and the last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of strangers about my problems… 🙁
Hi Rachel. I am so glad that this letter can serve as a tool for sharing your journey with family and friends, and that you are able to find some help through my blog. Hugs! ♥
Hi Rachel. I am so glad that this letter can serve as a tool for sharing your journey with family and friends, and that you are able to find some help through my blog. Hugs! ♥
I am so glad that this letter has helped you find some more compassion and understanding for your daughter. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. ♥
I am so glad that this letter has helped you find some more compassion and understanding for your daughter. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. ♥
There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. I am so sorry that you were treated badly becuase of your diagnosis. Thank you for your kind comment. ♥
There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. I am so sorry that you were treated badly becuase of your diagnosis. Thank you for your kind comment. ♥
Brea, it can be really difficult when financials are suffering, but there are many people out there self-teaching the skills until such a time that they can afford to go to groups or individual DBT. My significant other felt the same way as yours – that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. I hope your husband is able to open his heart and read the letter.
Brea, it can be really difficult when financials are suffering, but there are many people out there self-teaching the skills until such a time that they can afford to go to groups or individual DBT. My significant other felt the same way as yours – that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. I hope your husband is able to open his heart and read the letter.
Thank you for your kind comment. I am very glad that your husband is open to supporting you and hope that the letter helped. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. Proud of you for going back to work. ♥
Thank you for your kind comment. I am very glad that your husband is open to supporting you and hope that the letter helped. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. Proud of you for going back to work. ♥
You have made so much progress!! Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. ♥
Hello – thank you so much for sharing. Groups are not for everyone. You never know though…it could end up being really helpful to hear from others who are going through the very same things as you. ♥
Hello – thank you so much for sharing. Groups are not for everyone. You never know though…it could end up being really helpful to hear from others who are going through the very same things as you. ♥
Hi Healing from BPD- What a great letter! I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. It is intense, exhausting, and rewarding! Everyday I sit with teenage girls in crisis, and oftentimes I think they struggling to find the words you expressed so eloquently in your letter. I know others requested to share it and I too would love to share it with a client, or perhaps imply put it up on the wall in my office =) Are you comfortable with it? I wish you skillful means.
Hi Healing from BPD- What a great letter! I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. It is intense, exhausting, and rewarding! Everyday I sit with teenage girls in crisis, and oftentimes I think they struggling to find the words you expressed so eloquently in your letter. I know others requested to share it and I too would love to share it with a client, or perhaps imply put it up on the wall in my office =) Are you comfortable with it? I wish you skillful means.
Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. I wish you strength and hope as you do this work, and please always remember to also take care of YOU. I would love it if you shared my letter with clients and posted it on the wall in your office. I am so glad that you believe it will be helpful. Have a great evening.
Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. I wish you strength and hope as you do this work, and please always remember to also take care of YOU. I would love it if you shared my letter with clients and posted it on the wall in your office. I am so glad that you believe it will be helpful. Have a great evening.
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. I am about to give birth to my first child and one of my baby's grandparents most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (previously diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but many of us believe BPD is a more comprehensive explanation and DBT type therapy/interactions are the only things that have consistently had a positive impact). Our struggle, particularly as we prepare for our first child, is that this grandparent usually rejects all diagnoses and has not been able to successfully initiate and maintain any treatment regime (medication or therapy). Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. I'm always fascinated and encouraged to see persons with BPD who accept the diagnosis and are embracing treatment.
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. I am about to give birth to my first child and one of my baby's grandparents most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (previously diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but many of us believe BPD is a more comprehensive explanation and DBT type therapy/interactions are the only things that have consistently had a positive impact). Our struggle, particularly as we prepare for our first child, is that this grandparent usually rejects all diagnoses and has not been able to successfully initiate and maintain any treatment regime (medication or therapy). Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. I'm always fascinated and encouraged to see persons with BPD who accept the diagnosis and are embracing treatment.
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. It is inspiring and a ray of light to those of us who have a loved one with BPD to remind us that is just an aspect that can be overcommed to let us live in full the beauty of life. You are a source of admiration, thanks for your courage and generous words.
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. It is inspiring and a ray of light to those of us who have a loved one with BPD to remind us that is just an aspect that can be overcommed to let us live in full the beauty of life. You are a source of admiration, thanks for your courage and generous words.
First of all I want to commend you on your progress and all the hard work that I am sure you have gone through to get to where you are now, especially having the courage to write this letter. I thank you for writing this. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. It has been the most challenging part of my entire life, I love her unconditionally and with all of my heart yet it never seems to be enough, to be noticed, to be accepted. Instead, despite how I dread to say this, I am an outlet for her fears, insecurities and blame. I have learned with time and education on my part that her pain is not my fault and it is not my responsiblity to fix. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. I pray that she is able to find a place where you are now. It's a horribly helpless feeling to watch someone you love in pain. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. What you have written here is one of the most accurate and personable depictions of BPD, it gives way to understanding and hope. Thank you again. Best of luck!
First of all I want to commend you on your progress and all the hard work that I am sure you have gone through to get to where you are now, especially having the courage to write this letter. I thank you for writing this. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. It has been the most challenging part of my entire life, I love her unconditionally and with all of my heart yet it never seems to be enough, to be noticed, to be accepted. Instead, despite how I dread to say this, I am an outlet for her fears, insecurities and blame. I have learned with time and education on my part that her pain is not my fault and it is not my responsiblity to fix. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. I pray that she is able to find a place where you are now. It's a horribly helpless feeling to watch someone you love in pain. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. What you have written here is one of the most accurate and personable depictions of BPD, it gives way to understanding and hope. Thank you again. Best of luck!
Debbie, what a brilliant letter! Thank you for sharing it with this forum. What stands out for me is HOPE! That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. Life can be hard for all of us at times, and if you are struggling with the problems that face people with BPD then it can get really tough. I worked as part of a DBT team during the last few years before my retirement. We were taught years ago that BPD was 'untreatable' and it took me a little time to take a leap of faith in DBT. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. For me as I gained more experience and I saw the positive changes DBT can lead to, this helped me to avoid that particular trap. As a therapist I was aware of not breaking confidentiality, yet wanting to show potential and new clients that change is possible. In my experience, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to find someone who as gone through the DBT treatment to share some of their experiences with potential or new clients. Starting therapy can be daunting, and the person needs to make the decision for themselves, but your letter, and other people's experinces here can inspire hope in others, and help them through difficult times. You know what it's like, in a way that no therapist does, to live with BPD day in and day out. Thank you, and best wishes for the future.
Debbie, what a brilliant letter! Thank you for sharing it with this forum. What stands out for me is HOPE! That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. Life can be hard for all of us at times, and if you are struggling with the problems that face people with BPD then it can get really tough. I worked as part of a DBT team during the last few years before my retirement. We were taught years ago that BPD was 'untreatable' and it took me a little time to take a leap of faith in DBT. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. For me as I gained more experience and I saw the positive changes DBT can lead to, this helped me to avoid that particular trap. As a therapist I was aware of not breaking confidentiality, yet wanting to show potential and new clients that change is possible. In my experience, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to find someone who as gone through the DBT treatment to share some of their experiences with potential or new clients. Starting therapy can be daunting, and the person needs to make the decision for themselves, but your letter, and other people's experinces here can inspire hope in others, and help them through difficult times. You know what it's like, in a way that no therapist does, to live with BPD day in and day out. Thank you, and best wishes for the future.
I just want to add another thank you for writing this. I sent it to my mom, who after reading it, said she understands my condition and why I do the things I do a lot better, especially the parts about the fear of abandonment. She read some of your other posts and she said she could see a lot of similarities between us. It's sort of comforting that she said that, because it confirms that I probably finally have the right diagnosis. My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. They said that it was more important to show me how much they love me than to go on long vacations alone. I am so thankful that they seem to get it. Your letter really helped us become closer, as it explained some things in a way that I cannot yet.
I just want to add another thank you for writing this. I sent it to my mom, who after reading it, said she understands my condition and why I do the things I do a lot better, especially the parts about the fear of abandonment. She read some of your other posts and she said she could see a lot of similarities between us. It's sort of comforting that she said that, because it confirms that I probably finally have the right diagnosis. My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. They said that it was more important to show me how much they love me than to go on long vacations alone. I am so thankful that they seem to get it. Your letter really helped us become closer, as it explained some things in a way that I cannot yet.
Hay Debbie, I can relate to so much of this. I have been diagnosed with BPD, Obsessive Compulsive PD, Histrionic PD, Avoidant PD, Dependant PD and Depressive. Life is such a struggle. I'm in a therapeutic community in the UK which is really helping, it's 3 days a week. I find it so hard to put into words my struggles but you have done it perfectly. I have heard about DBT, butdon't really know much about it. I will try and find your blog, Lots of love Kat
Hay Debbie, I can relate to so much of this. I have been diagnosed with BPD, Obsessive Compulsive PD, Histrionic PD, Avoidant PD, Dependant PD and Depressive. Life is such a struggle. I'm in a therapeutic community in the UK which is really helping, it's 3 days a week. I find it so hard to put into words my struggles but you have done it perfectly. I have heard about DBT, butdon't really know much about it. I will try and find your blog, Lots of love Kat
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Also, during those long recovery periods, she will fixate on a distorted, misremembered and misquoted version of something I'd said during the fight, always distorted to be much harsher than what I actually said, and sometimes completely "fabricated" with no basis in anything I said. This is the hardest thing of all for me to overcome. ~ Dave M.
Also, during those long recovery periods, she will fixate on a distorted, misremembered and misquoted version of something I'd said during the fight, always distorted to be much harsher than what I actually said, and sometimes completely "fabricated" with no basis in anything I said. This is the hardest thing of all for me to overcome. ~ Dave M.
i love your article and i wish that i was that far ahead; we are given just one year of dbt then we get on with it alone; there may be a graduate group but it will only be every month or two for a few hours and no therapy; my dbt ended about a month ago and far from moving on i am regressing and i feel that i have never done it at all; i would so like to be able to see things as you do but it looks very unlikely that i ever will; i would say give thanks every day for what you have been given and spare a thought and maybe a prayer for those of us who are still in the pits and stuggling; one year is just not enough to make the skills part of ones life.
i love your article and i wish that i was that far ahead; we are given just one year of dbt then we get on with it alone; there may be a graduate group but it will only be every month or two for a few hours and no therapy; my dbt ended about a month ago and far from moving on i am regressing and i feel that i have never done it at all; i would so like to be able to see things as you do but it looks very unlikely that i ever will; i would say give thanks every day for what you have been given and spare a thought and maybe a prayer for those of us who are still in the pits and stuggling; one year is just not enough to make the skills part of ones life.
I just love this letter. Thank you for expressing so eloquently and non-judgmentally what (I bet) so many with BPD wish they could say to friends and loved ones. Would you mind if I reposted it on my blog (beautyandtheborderline.wordpress.com)?
Thank you so much for your comment. It sounds like your Mom cares to find out what's happening for you. That is wonderful. I am very glad to hear about the understanding you're experiencing within your family. Huge hugs! ♥ Debbie
Thank you so much for your comment. It sounds like your Mom cares to find out what's happening for you. That is wonderful. I am very glad to hear about the understanding you're experiencing within your family. Huge hugs! ♥ Debbie
Hi Kat — thank you so much for sharing. I truly hope you have connected with resources to support you and have had a chance to learn more about DBT! Thanks for commenting. ♥ Debbie
Hi Kat — thank you so much for sharing. I truly hope you have connected with resources to support you and have had a chance to learn more about DBT! Thanks for commenting. ♥ Debbie
Dave, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. ♥ Debbie
Dave, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. ♥ Debbie
Thank you so much for commenting. Please give yourself time and hold on in hope. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. ♥ Debbie
Thank you so much for commenting. Please give yourself time and hold on in hope. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. ♥ Debbie
Hi Beauty — thank you very much for your kind feedback. I would love if you linked to this post from your blog. Thank you for sharing it and passing it along! ♥ Debbie
Hi Beauty — thank you very much for your kind feedback. I would love if you linked to this post from your blog. Thank you for sharing it and passing it along! ♥ Debbie
After finally being diagnosed with BPD after hospital stays, hurting multiple people, trying med after med and more. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. After reading this letter i feel that i myself wrote most of it. Last week however i still was in the dark and thought i was just depressed. I thought life was hopeless and i would always feel the way i do. But now that i know i have BPD and i know what it means I feel like I will eventually have control over it. Thank you fit writing this letter and for your blog. I'm hoping it will help myself and also my husband out.
After finally being diagnosed with BPD after hospital stays, hurting multiple people, trying med after med and more. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. After reading this letter i feel that i myself wrote most of it. Last week however i still was in the dark and thought i was just depressed. I thought life was hopeless and i would always feel the way i do. But now that i know i have BPD and i know what it means I feel like I will eventually have control over it. Thank you fit writing this letter and for your blog. I'm hoping it will help myself and also my husband out.
I am on the edge. There is no one in this area who practices DBT. I've had many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD. But one did…as did my therapist. I was seeing these people through a program that is now over. I hope to afford continuing to see my therapist. I have to also find a doctor. I'm on many meds. I've been blamed by doctors who put me on these meds that I'm on too many…and the last one (after I discussed BPD – he's a complete idiot and asked *me* what the therapy – "DBT" – was called) said to me, "You have a serious personality problem", in response to me answering how I'd been doing. How I did not walk out at that moment is beyond me. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Anyway, other programs in the area (I was without work for awhile) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues. It's seriously messed up. Of course all of this makes me wonder……..maybe i'm just lazy or _____ whatever……….and then some family members think I *want* to be depressed or anxious or whatever (they think the origin was my mother's death, 20 yrs ago, but I was depressed before that and have told them). "Snap out of it". Yeah, I love hating my life and feeling like I've waste most of it and being almost 40 and feeling like a teenager. I LOVE lashing out at my supportive boyfriend (thank GOD he is learning about this). People just don't "believe" in it and long-term mental illnesses. And they can have somthing themselves…and lie to themselves. But at least we're acknowlodging it and it's *&^$%&$& hard!
I don't know what to do anymore. I work from home. I STRUGGLE to focus. My boss surely think I'm a nutcase. I can't believe they still employ me (which reminds me – I'm am Thee master of self-sabatoge)…Every day I am paranoid, anxious, overwhelmed. I NEVER RELAX. I did drink, but it always leads me to dangerous places. Did the self-medicating thing too. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. None.
I have no goals. I have no nearby friends. I think about dying every single day. Not doing anything to make it happen…just wondering why it hasn't. And I know it's because I still have so much to learn. BUT I AM EXHAUSTED. I've been doing gratefulness journals since 2000. I guess I'm not doing that well enough. Shrug. Also, I was a VERY positive person just a few years ago…I was even called a Pollyanna! Then I was abandoned again…we all know about that.
I am a mess. And now with this kind, loving man by my side I feel comfortable…and so he gets the wrath of this chaotic mind.
It was good to find your site. I have found some wonderful resources but they are all for the person affected by the BDP subhuman (heh). I think all the time, but, what DO I DO?! I mean, I know that makes me sound selfish…and I am a lot more than I used to be. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. Now I don't know what I am.
P.S. I don't think I saw mention of co-occuring illnesses in this (but I may have missed it because I have a "reading disorder"…not dyslexia, comphrehension. That's fun too.) Just a thought. I'd use this (edit it of course) if I was getting the help I need. I've had some, don't get me wrong, just nothing that's helped long-term…and now that I *think* bpd hits the nail on the head, it just happens to be this mysterious, new label…and of course no one can see it. It's not a rash or a broken bone. Maybe we should bandage our heads and hearts.
I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. If I continue living how I am, I doubt I'll see the age my mother saw…54.
I am on the edge. There is no one in this area who practices DBT. I've had many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD. But one did…as did my therapist. I was seeing these people through a program that is now over. I hope to afford continuing to see my therapist. I have to also find a doctor. I'm on many meds. I've been blamed by doctors who put me on these meds that I'm on too many…and the last one (after I discussed BPD – he's a complete idiot and asked *me* what the therapy – "DBT" – was called) said to me, "You have a serious personality problem", in response to me answering how I'd been doing. How I did not walk out at that moment is beyond me. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Anyway, other programs in the area (I was without work for awhile) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues. It's seriously messed up. Of course all of this makes me wonder……..maybe i'm just lazy or _____ whatever……….and then some family members think I *want* to be depressed or anxious or whatever (they think the origin was my mother's death, 20 yrs ago, but I was depressed before that and have told them). "Snap out of it". Yeah, I love hating my life and feeling like I've waste most of it and being almost 40 and feeling like a teenager. I LOVE lashing out at my supportive boyfriend (thank GOD he is learning about this). People just don't "believe" in it and long-term mental illnesses. And they can have somthing themselves…and lie to themselves. But at least we're acknowlodging it and it's *&^$%&$& hard!
I don't know what to do anymore. I work from home. I STRUGGLE to focus. My boss surely think I'm a nutcase. I can't believe they still employ me (which reminds me – I'm am Thee master of self-sabatoge)…Every day I am paranoid, anxious, overwhelmed. I NEVER RELAX. I did drink, but it always leads me to dangerous places. Did the self-medicating thing too. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. None.
I have no goals. I have no nearby friends. I think about dying every single day. Not doing anything to make it happen…just wondering why it hasn't. And I know it's because I still have so much to learn. BUT I AM EXHAUSTED. I've been doing gratefulness journals since 2000. I guess I'm not doing that well enough. Shrug. Also, I was a VERY positive person just a few years ago…I was even called a Pollyanna! Then I was abandoned again…we all know about that.
I am a mess. And now with this kind, loving man by my side I feel comfortable…and so he gets the wrath of this chaotic mind.
It was good to find your site. I have found some wonderful resources but they are all for the person affected by the BDP subhuman (heh). I think all the time, but, what DO I DO?! I mean, I know that makes me sound selfish…and I am a lot more than I used to be. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. Now I don't know what I am.
P.S. I don't think I saw mention of co-occuring illnesses in this (but I may have missed it because I have a "reading disorder"…not dyslexia, comphrehension. That's fun too.) Just a thought. I'd use this (edit it of course) if I was getting the help I need. I've had some, don't get me wrong, just nothing that's helped long-term…and now that I *think* bpd hits the nail on the head, it just happens to be this mysterious, new label…and of course no one can see it. It's not a rash or a broken bone. Maybe we should bandage our heads and hearts.
I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. If I continue living how I am, I doubt I'll see the age my mother saw…54.
Wow is all I can say!!! I read your letter Debbie and most of the post. Great job!!!
I dont know how to start this little note of mine…Sigh….. The letter and all the post did help me a little tonight tho. Smiles
Well here goes…. My wife tried to take her life 16 days ago. This time she almost did it. It was a touch and go for 3 days. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. Our 25 year old daughter tried to kill her self last night also. So here I sit feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost. I have a wife and a Daughter who both have BPD wanting to die and both are in Psych Wards. I love them so much but I am so lost. I have done everything that I know to do for the past 28 years. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. This time tho I just dont know if I can walk in all the pain any longer. I am so torn. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? They both feed off each other. Today I turned 47 and I feel like I am 77. My wife says she is learning a lot but she is still barking orders and yelling and telling me I am not doing things right on her behalf. OMG……. Well I better get off this pitty potty……My Daughter just called and she is Barking also. Wow does this roller coaster ever end??? Enough said. Take care all…Tim
Wow is all I can say!!! I read your letter Debbie and most of the post. Great job!!!
I dont know how to start this little note of mine…Sigh….. The letter and all the post did help me a little tonight tho. Smiles
Well here goes…. My wife tried to take her life 16 days ago. This time she almost did it. It was a touch and go for 3 days. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. Our 25 year old daughter tried to kill her self last night also. So here I sit feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost. I have a wife and a Daughter who both have BPD wanting to die and both are in Psych Wards. I love them so much but I am so lost. I have done everything that I know to do for the past 28 years. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. This time tho I just dont know if I can walk in all the pain any longer. I am so torn. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? They both feed off each other. Today I turned 47 and I feel like I am 77. My wife says she is learning a lot but she is still barking orders and yelling and telling me I am not doing things right on her behalf. OMG……. Well I better get off this pitty potty……My Daughter just called and she is Barking also. Wow does this roller coaster ever end??? Enough said. Take care all…Tim
Thank you very much for your perspective. The more I read about BPD, the more I have a hunch that the girl I'm in an LDR with has been living with this or at least a similar pattern dissociation. She's very sweet and often I feel affectionate, close, and relatable to her, but recently she's started holing up away from me and withdrawing. She told me about the family events she's been dealing with lately and we talked a bit through some of those, as well as a source of panic she doesn't seem ready to talk about.. I haven't heard from her privately for weeks since. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. It's a commitment, but I fully intend to be there for her and listen and work through it when she's ready.
Thank you very much for your perspective. The more I read about BPD, the more I have a hunch that the girl I'm in an LDR with has been living with this or at least a similar pattern dissociation. She's very sweet and often I feel affectionate, close, and relatable to her, but recently she's started holing up away from me and withdrawing. She told me about the family events she's been dealing with lately and we talked a bit through some of those, as well as a source of panic she doesn't seem ready to talk about.. I haven't heard from her privately for weeks since. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. It's a commitment, but I fully intend to be there for her and listen and work through it when she's ready.
Hi Debbie, I certainly appreciate your open letter. My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. I was left out of the loop as to her condition and was very depressed. She called asking for me to send her some clothes and stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP. After a few weeks there she came down with a respiratory illness and asked to come back home. So for the next two months she drove an hour each way to attend IOP. I thought we would be okay, but then something I did angered her. She stopped answering my calls when I wanted to know if she would be home for dinner and made excuses to avoid me, staying out until 10 or 11 pm and leaving at 7am each morning. Then she tells me she found an apartment and began moving every possible evidence that she ever lived here out of our home. She has a 12 month lease but says she may come back sooner if go into rehab for her ( I am working on my issues with a therapist). She is also using emotional blackmail, saying if I divorce her it would kill her. While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. She emailed me later saying that it was passive aggressive behavior and that she "gets it" – I am the one who ended it. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. But she arrived the next day with a police office to remove, most, but not all of her remaining stuff. That evening I spoke to a LCSW who was able to confirm that all her actions (plus a prior divorce, SI, estrangement from her children, abusive father and ex-boyfriends, etc.) clearly point to BPD. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. No one from the hospital has ever contacted me about her condition or treatment plan, I have been left totally in the dark and out of her recovery. Now she has totally disappeared from my life after just two years of marriage. She has left several times before, but this time I don't see a reunion. I truly love her, but this is getting old real fast. I have spent a lot of money and resources to help her in every way, only to be treated like trash. I feel forsaken by both her and the hospital that is supposed to be helping her, but has instead ruined our marriage. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. Thank you.
Hi Debbie, I certainly appreciate your open letter. My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. I was left out of the loop as to her condition and was very depressed. She called asking for me to send her some clothes and stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP. After a few weeks there she came down with a respiratory illness and asked to come back home. So for the next two months she drove an hour each way to attend IOP. I thought we would be okay, but then something I did angered her. She stopped answering my calls when I wanted to know if she would be home for dinner and made excuses to avoid me, staying out until 10 or 11 pm and leaving at 7am each morning. Then she tells me she found an apartment and began moving every possible evidence that she ever lived here out of our home. She has a 12 month lease but says she may come back sooner if go into rehab for her ( I am working on my issues with a therapist). She is also using emotional blackmail, saying if I divorce her it would kill her. While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. She emailed me later saying that it was passive aggressive behavior and that she "gets it" – I am the one who ended it. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. But she arrived the next day with a police office to remove, most, but not all of her remaining stuff. That evening I spoke to a LCSW who was able to confirm that all her actions (plus a prior divorce, SI, estrangement from her children, abusive father and ex-boyfriends, etc.) clearly point to BPD. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. No one from the hospital has ever contacted me about her condition or treatment plan, I have been left totally in the dark and out of her recovery. Now she has totally disappeared from my life after just two years of marriage. She has left several times before, but this time I don't see a reunion. I truly love her, but this is getting old real fast. I have spent a lot of money and resources to help her in every way, only to be treated like trash. I feel forsaken by both her and the hospital that is supposed to be helping her, but has instead ruined our marriage. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. Thank you.
Why is it that my therapists tell me that BPD is a useless diagnosis that doesn't do anyone any good, yet I fall into nearly every criteria for the disorder and have since I was a teenager? I'm now 54.
Why is it that my therapists tell me that BPD is a useless diagnosis that doesn't do anyone any good, yet I fall into nearly every criteria for the disorder and have since I was a teenager? I'm now 54.
Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. I knew I had been depressed earlier but nothing major to me. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at work…scared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. It was so overwhelming that is when they diagnosed me with severe depression and panic disorder after taking a long test and seeing several drs. I was diagnosed with BPD.. I had alter egos and they were the fun ones but I was not me anymore. They tried me on several meds and hospitalized me when I started burning myself (unknown why) never did that before….but I remember being so angry and did not know why or when it would end. I now am 49 and still have anger issues with myself but no selfharming. I handle things differently thru all the therapy and med changes…I still wish it to go away..since now have Bipolar tendencies and PTSD… isn't this all pretty much the same stuff and the rollercoaster is ongoing? I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. Why is BPD hard to diagnose and really not curable? I am LOST!
Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. I knew I had been depressed earlier but nothing major to me. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at work…scared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. It was so overwhelming that is when they diagnosed me with severe depression and panic disorder after taking a long test and seeing several drs. I was diagnosed with BPD.. I had alter egos and they were the fun ones but I was not me anymore. They tried me on several meds and hospitalized me when I started burning myself (unknown why) never did that before….but I remember being so angry and did not know why or when it would end. I now am 49 and still have anger issues with myself but no selfharming. I handle things differently thru all the therapy and med changes…I still wish it to go away..since now have Bipolar tendencies and PTSD… isn't this all pretty much the same stuff and the rollercoaster is ongoing? I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. Why is BPD hard to diagnose and really not curable? I am LOST!
My fiance has BPD. When he is having his episodes he verbally attacks me. I would try to calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I won't give up on him. He will say that he knows that I love him but he isn't sure if he loves me and that he might be the one who'll give up. This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. After a few hours he will then realize the hurt he caused me and then he'd apologize. He is aware of his disorder and I saw him fought many times. He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. My heart breaks each time. He pushes me away but I can hear his cry for help. He is desperate I know. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. He doesn't even understand why he is holding back from me. Many times I wanted to give up but he is crying out loud inside that I cannot afford to leave him like that. I do love him and I am asking the Lord to help me help him.
My fiance has BPD. When he is having his episodes he verbally attacks me. I would try to calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I won't give up on him. He will say that he knows that I love him but he isn't sure if he loves me and that he might be the one who'll give up. This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. After a few hours he will then realize the hurt he caused me and then he'd apologize. He is aware of his disorder and I saw him fought many times. He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. My heart breaks each time. He pushes me away but I can hear his cry for help. He is desperate I know. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. He doesn't even understand why he is holding back from me. Many times I wanted to give up but he is crying out loud inside that I cannot afford to leave him like that. I do love him and I am asking the Lord to help me help him.
My ex has BDP. He left me nearly 4 weeks ago.It's over now. I'd probably try again if he asked me, but I know he won't. I am co-dependent, which I regard as simply the other side of the coin. I have had to go No Contact because when I do contact him, my addiction to him leaves me suicidal with depression. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. I know all the theory now. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I feel understanding. It's all chaos. I wish to God it would stop. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. I believe we could work at our enmeshment together and make this work. But he has so little insight. He told me about the diagnosis of PD but we never discussed it. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. Perhaps he still loves me and he still wants to try (I think he's been having a breakdown anyway, due to his father being very ill and the chance he'll be homeless when his dad dies). Maybe he'll come back to me. But I know this is fantasy. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. But I want him back. I can't help it. And he isn't coming back and it hurts.
My ex has BDP. He left me nearly 4 weeks ago.It's over now. I'd probably try again if he asked me, but I know he won't. I am co-dependent, which I regard as simply the other side of the coin. I have had to go No Contact because when I do contact him, my addiction to him leaves me suicidal with depression. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. I know all the theory now. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I feel understanding. It's all chaos. I wish to God it would stop. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. I believe we could work at our enmeshment together and make this work. But he has so little insight. He told me about the diagnosis of PD but we never discussed it. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. Perhaps he still loves me and he still wants to try (I think he's been having a breakdown anyway, due to his father being very ill and the chance he'll be homeless when his dad dies). Maybe he'll come back to me. But I know this is fantasy. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. But I want him back. I can't help it. And he isn't coming back and it hurts.
I came across this link on tumblr while browsing and I felt compelled to respond from the perspective of the BPD's child. Honestly, I don't think this letter is helpful, or should have been addressed to the children of BPD's for a few reasons.
This open letter does an amazing job of outlining some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. And explains how the "non-BPD" can support and understand those who are suffering from the disorder.
However, it's my belief that the letter does little to help the children of borderlines. A lover, a friend, a parent or sibling, and a coworker all have the privilege of having a frame of reference to place the borderline in. They see the behavior as maladaptive, as troubled, as abnormal. They have the ability to support the BPD. For the children of a borderline, however, this is their reality. They are conditioned to see the behavior as normal and often times they are terrorized by the behavior.
Children are malleable, they are clay being shaped by their parents and by their experiences. So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. Unfortunately, many kids of BPD's become BPD themselves because they learn the thought patterns, behaviors, and unstable feelings as a normal way to be.
Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. Having empathy, or an understanding of BPD, does very little in terms of helping someone heal from, or protect themselves from, this abuse. Any therapist helping a child of a borderline to recover will recommend that they protect themselves from the abuse and their abuser. Ultimately, the borderline creates their biggest fear. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter).
My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. My father had the ability, life experience, and the perspective needed to know this blame was unfounded. My perception as a child was that I was, in fact, the cause of her turmoil. Which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships.
This open letter can be extremely helpful to people who love someone diagnosed with BPD. However, it isn't helpful for their children in the same way. The relationship is different, the experiences are different, and the harm caused is different. An open letter to the children of a BPD parent should simply say…
"I am so very sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for blaming you. I am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality. I am sorry you were scared. I am sorry you didn't feel loved. I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood. I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. I am sorry I didn't get help. I am sorry I was selfish. I am sorry you didn't have a choice."
I came across this link on tumblr while browsing and I felt compelled to respond from the perspective of the BPD's child. Honestly, I don't think this letter is helpful, or should have been addressed to the children of BPD's for a few reasons.
This open letter does an amazing job of outlining some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. And explains how the "non-BPD" can support and understand those who are suffering from the disorder.
However, it's my belief that the letter does little to help the children of borderlines. A lover, a friend, a parent or sibling, and a coworker all have the privilege of having a frame of reference to place the borderline in. They see the behavior as maladaptive, as troubled, as abnormal. They have the ability to support the BPD. For the children of a borderline, however, this is their reality. They are conditioned to see the behavior as normal and often times they are terrorized by the behavior.
Children are malleable, they are clay being shaped by their parents and by their experiences. So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. Unfortunately, many kids of BPD's become BPD themselves because they learn the thought patterns, behaviors, and unstable feelings as a normal way to be.
Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. Having empathy, or an understanding of BPD, does very little in terms of helping someone heal from, or protect themselves from, this abuse. Any therapist helping a child of a borderline to recover will recommend that they protect themselves from the abuse and their abuser. Ultimately, the borderline creates their biggest fear. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter).
My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. My father had the ability, life experience, and the perspective needed to know this blame was unfounded. My perception as a child was that I was, in fact, the cause of her turmoil. Which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships.
This open letter can be extremely helpful to people who love someone diagnosed with BPD. However, it isn't helpful for their children in the same way. The relationship is different, the experiences are different, and the harm caused is different. An open letter to the children of a BPD parent should simply say…
"I am so very sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for blaming you. I am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality. I am sorry you were scared. I am sorry you didn't feel loved. I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood. I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. I am sorry I didn't get help. I am sorry I was selfish. I am sorry you didn't have a choice."
As an adult who is trying to work past the damage that was done growing up with a BPD mother reading the last part of your response made me cry. You're absolutely right that small paragraph is all that any mother with BPD who has damaged her children not only should say but it's the only thing she has any right to say. Thank you
As an adult who is trying to work past the damage that was done growing up with a BPD mother reading the last part of your response made me cry. You're absolutely right that small paragraph is all that any mother with BPD who has damaged her children not only should say but it's the only thing she has any right to say. Thank you
I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. I love her but ive been told coz of bpd I have an inability to love, is that true, that I just dilude myself that she was the one?
I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. I love her but ive been told coz of bpd I have an inability to love, is that true, that I just dilude myself that she was the one?
I wish my girlfriend had been able to do what you have done, she fought for me for a long time, but it just became to much for her. Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. My voice of reason.
I wish my girlfriend had been able to do what you have done, she fought for me for a long time, but it just became to much for her. Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. My voice of reason.
Dear people, I have a professional translation of the letter in Dutch. I would be very pleased to share it with you. Maybe Debbie wants to add the Ducht version at her list of translations on her website? I would be pleased to sent it to you.
Dear people, I have a professional translation of the letter in Dutch. I would be very pleased to share it with you. Maybe Debbie wants to add the Ducht version at her list of translations on her website? I would be pleased to sent it to you.
This letter really hits hard. i was wondering if you could answer something for me though. Those 9 criteria and what this letter describes is sadly what i think it is like for someone to live with me. But you say it is possible to recover to heal have hope and a normal life. From someone that has been through it it means a lot.
My question though is that, yes i have a diagnosis and relate to so much of what you say here, but the diagnosis and 9 criteria is just a list of a way someone is. Everyone is that way for different reasons so how do you know if you deserve for example to write a letter like this to give people around you so they can "understand" and not feel so bad about the whole situation. Or if you don't deserve that because there is nothing for them to "understand" because i have no real excuse for being this weak pathetic crazy annoying and hurtful person?
Maybe there is hope or support out there but i can't figure out how to know who deserves it and who doesnt and if i try think about it i just panic and get nowhere, make things worse, so i was wondering what your thoughts are as this is obviously a subject you have much experience with. And for all those who DO deserve to be helped, be allowed to heal, and their loved ones who deserve to be supported, thank you for sharing this letter that might help them all live better together and individually.
Aww *hugs* what an insightful post! I know someone with BPD and reading the blogs of people who have BPD and are writing their inner thoughts help me to understand what is going through the mind of someone who has BPD. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. I think these blogs are more educational than a generic medical article about BPD.
Aww *hugs* what an insightful post! I know someone with BPD and reading the blogs of people who have BPD and are writing their inner thoughts help me to understand what is going through the mind of someone who has BPD. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. I think these blogs are more educational than a generic medical article about BPD.
This was very well thought out and appreciated. I suspect that my ex-wife is BPD, but I am at a loss to deal with it because she is completely unaware. We were married for 12 years and the relationship was defined by me reassuring her that she was good enough, while she would constantly go through massive unpredictable mood swings. Now that we are divorced with a shared custody agreement for our son, she has become impossible to deal with. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. Initially I thought we just fell out of love and she was unable to deal with that reality (like maybe she needed a larger reason like alcoholism or abuse rather than just drifting apart). However, looking back, all the signs were there, but I just didn't see them. I think it's easy to ignore these symptoms because unless the BPD is totally irrational, the symptoms can be blown off as just overly emotional or a hard to deal with personality. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. She is educated and successful, and to all the other people in her life, except for close family, she seems confident and put together. I suspect that if she were to sit across from a psychologist she would be able to fool them, but I am about to test that.
In the interest of our child, I have put him into therapy. Part of that process is for the parents to submit to therapy as well. In order to make this happen, I had to force my ex to go by order of the family doctor. It's sad that I would have to use our son as an instrument to get my wife in front of a mental health professional, but it is the only way I can see him being protected from the long term effects of this mental illness. I hope that my ex gets better. I hope we can be friends in time and partners in raising our son. I know that my new wife and family would appreciate it as well.
This was very well thought out and appreciated. I suspect that my ex-wife is BPD, but I am at a loss to deal with it because she is completely unaware. We were married for 12 years and the relationship was defined by me reassuring her that she was good enough, while she would constantly go through massive unpredictable mood swings. Now that we are divorced with a shared custody agreement for our son, she has become impossible to deal with. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. Initially I thought we just fell out of love and she was unable to deal with that reality (like maybe she needed a larger reason like alcoholism or abuse rather than just drifting apart). However, looking back, all the signs were there, but I just didn't see them. I think it's easy to ignore these symptoms because unless the BPD is totally irrational, the symptoms can be blown off as just overly emotional or a hard to deal with personality. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. She is educated and successful, and to all the other people in her life, except for close family, she seems confident and put together. I suspect that if she were to sit across from a psychologist she would be able to fool them, but I am about to test that.
In the interest of our child, I have put him into therapy. Part of that process is for the parents to submit to therapy as well. In order to make this happen, I had to force my ex to go by order of the family doctor. It's sad that I would have to use our son as an instrument to get my wife in front of a mental health professional, but it is the only way I can see him being protected from the long term effects of this mental illness. I hope that my ex gets better. I hope we can be friends in time and partners in raising our son. I know that my new wife and family would appreciate it as well.
My friend is having a sense of impending doom. She is restarting DBT group in a few weeks. She has told me when she gets this sense of impending doom in the past is when she ends up in the hospital, which she has made it over a year with out being hospitalized. She also has recently gotten more busy and a tighter finical situation. In the past when she gets to busy she ends up in the hospital. I am wondering what to do to help her. I myself work in the mental health field and see her mental health declining.
My friend is having a sense of impending doom. She is restarting DBT group in a few weeks. She has told me when she gets this sense of impending doom in the past is when she ends up in the hospital, which she has made it over a year with out being hospitalized. She also has recently gotten more busy and a tighter finical situation. In the past when she gets to busy she ends up in the hospital. I am wondering what to do to help her. I myself work in the mental health field and see her mental health declining.
Dave M – everything that you wrote is what I'm going through at the moment. After the latest episode she tells me that I have to earn back her trust. I am the same as you. I am generally very good at keeping my head, but every now and then I can behave a bit more extremely, and those are the worst incidents.
We're currently in the middle of another episode as I write this. I have emotionally detached myself quite well this time I think. Doing a lot of reading – keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. This is very hard!! It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things.
The hardest thing about tonight's episode is that I don't know how long it will take for her to recover. The last incident was only a week ago and it took two days and me apologising in the end in order to solve the problem. I shouldn't have apologised, and this time I won't. But I fear that she will never forgive me if I maintain I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. So hard sometimes…
Dave M – everything that you wrote is what I'm going through at the moment. After the latest episode she tells me that I have to earn back her trust. I am the same as you. I am generally very good at keeping my head, but every now and then I can behave a bit more extremely, and those are the worst incidents.
We're currently in the middle of another episode as I write this. I have emotionally detached myself quite well this time I think. Doing a lot of reading – keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. This is very hard!! It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things.
The hardest thing about tonight's episode is that I don't know how long it will take for her to recover. The last incident was only a week ago and it took two days and me apologising in the end in order to solve the problem. I shouldn't have apologised, and this time I won't. But I fear that she will never forgive me if I maintain I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. So hard sometimes…
This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. Thanks for the letter just helps a little with the clouser that is impossible to get. All we can do is pray at this point.
This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. Thanks for the letter just helps a little with the clouser that is impossible to get. All we can do is pray at this point.
Debbie…thank you, for having the courage to write and advise about BPD, that I knew nothing of until my daughter of 27 was diagnosed 7 months ago. She attends a DBT Centre twice a week. This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer. I am having to learn what triggers, when she splits… I have currently moved out of my home where she and her boyfriend live, as she had a major melt a month ago. It's a long road we all will travel. I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. Thank you so much for your honesty and strength.
Debbie…thank you, for having the courage to write and advise about BPD, that I knew nothing of until my daughter of 27 was diagnosed 7 months ago. She attends a DBT Centre twice a week. This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer. I am having to learn what triggers, when she splits… I have currently moved out of my home where she and her boyfriend live, as she had a major melt a month ago. It's a long road we all will travel. I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. Thank you so much for your honesty and strength.
You've been peeking in our windows. Try to deny it. Just try. Won't work. I refuse to believe it.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. I'd at least come to an understanding of what it is, how it works, what it does before she did. After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think. Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped. How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped. Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then. And I have all too many of my own moments. Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love. And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help.
Thank you so much for sharing. You have so many people you need to reach. If only I could help in some way….
You've been peeking in our windows. Try to deny it. Just try. Won't work. I refuse to believe it.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. I'd at least come to an understanding of what it is, how it works, what it does before she did. After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think. Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped. How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped. Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then. And I have all too many of my own moments. Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love. And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help.
Thank you so much for sharing. You have so many people you need to reach. If only I could help in some way….
As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me….how very helpful! Thank you for the hope you have given us….and putting it in terms we can understand.
As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me….how very helpful! Thank you for the hope you have given us….and putting it in terms we can understand.
My BPD finance left me VERY suddenly, moved out while I was away, blocked me from phone contact, email contact, unfriended me on FB and other social media, sucessfully compelled her family and friends to do the same and even had a lawyer friend threaten me with a restraining order for calling her from a hotel phone twice!
I had an outstanding relationship with her with much in common and few if any disagreements to the extent that I am totally convinced that she was 'the one' for me (I'm a 48 year old man that has been around the block enough to be a good judge of this) and am not entirely prepared to give up on her.
I wish I knew if there was some real possibility to salvage our relationship or even that we will talk again. What is a BPD such as she expecting from me?
My BPD finance left me VERY suddenly, moved out while I was away, blocked me from phone contact, email contact, unfriended me on FB and other social media, sucessfully compelled her family and friends to do the same and even had a lawyer friend threaten me with a restraining order for calling her from a hotel phone twice!
I had an outstanding relationship with her with much in common and few if any disagreements to the extent that I am totally convinced that she was 'the one' for me (I'm a 48 year old man that has been around the block enough to be a good judge of this) and am not entirely prepared to give up on her.
I wish I knew if there was some real possibility to salvage our relationship or even that we will talk again. What is a BPD such as she expecting from me?
I am a 39yr old female who recently got diagnosed with BPD. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. I am grateful for this letter. It is very well written and to the point. I have ruined many relationships due to my inability to manage my symptoms. I may have recently ruined a great bond I had built with a great man. I am going to send him this link and I hope he reads it and it helps him to understand that I'm not a monster but instead struggling with a disorder. Thanks again.
I am a 39yr old female who recently got diagnosed with BPD. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. I am grateful for this letter. It is very well written and to the point. I have ruined many relationships due to my inability to manage my symptoms. I may have recently ruined a great bond I had built with a great man. I am going to send him this link and I hope he reads it and it helps him to understand that I'm not a monster but instead struggling with a disorder. Thanks again.
Hi there, I am now in my 2nd month of treatment for BPD, and ,sadly, had all nine of the symptoms. This letter really helped me in explaining my condition to all those around me. My late father could've been suffering from BPD without knowing it till the day he died, he was a dream dad at times and abusive at times. Ironically, he was a doctor, a darn good one too if I might add. Now, having three daughters, I am struggling to find a way to explain to my girls that I love them despite the way I acted, and in dillema whether it's best to live apart from them for their sake since my BPD might influence their mental growth, and miss them or stay and make matters worse. This letter might help on the explaining part, but the latter…?
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Thank you for writing this. It was so helpful to me. Yes I can see that that it is a long difficult road. You are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself. And to help others like you do! Again tks for this:)
Thank you for writing this. It was so helpful to me. Yes I can see that that it is a long difficult road. You are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself. And to help others like you do! Again tks for this:)
You are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind comment. ♥
You are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind comment. ♥
Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! Shows that YES there is hope and not only have you found it but, you have it held tightly in your grasp!!
I have only receintly learned of BDP when searching for answers to why my relationship was not able to progress. Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. Thank you once again. Keep up all the good work here! It makes a difference for us!!
Thankyou, I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to write this for us! Shows that YES there is hope and not only have you found it but, you have it held tightly in your grasp!!
I have only receintly learned of BDP when searching for answers to why my relationship was not able to progress. Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. Thank you once again. Keep up all the good work here! It makes a difference for us!!
I have been diagnosed with other things except for this. I have read through a lot of your blog and so much of it sounds like me. The most ironic thing is: I went to school to be a counselor. This is the most dreaded Dx to come across according to my colleagues…if it was so bad, why would it be my problem?
Between my parents, family, and middle school, I have enough scarring that just won't heal up right. It has resulted in many failed friendships and rejections, one failed relationship, and has damaged my current one (why he has stayed, I don't really know).
I plan on finding someone who does DBT in my area. Can you get it without having a BPD Dx on your file? Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? Thank you for all you honesty and compassion.
wow. this was so encouraging. it gives me so much understanding and hope for my relationship. thank you.
wow. this was so encouraging. it gives me so much understanding and hope for my relationship. thank you.
Debbie…This is a beautiful, beautiful letter.
As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group….How do you feel about that?
Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. We need help with how he can support me and she is willing to speak to us about what its like for families of BPD. I'm so proud of him that he agreed very graciously to attend and learn these skills.
Thanks for writing this. It will help many (like me) who haven't put all these beautiful words and explanations together in such a succinct and informative way….You should be very proud of this as you have quite a command of BPD and how to present it in a respectful and honest manner.
Debbie…This is a beautiful, beautiful letter.
As I read it I want to share it with my husband and daughter for starters but would love to share it to my DBT therapist and group….How do you feel about that?
Your letter touches on a subject that my husband and I are taking to my therapist just this week. We need help with how he can support me and she is willing to speak to us about what its like for families of BPD. I'm so proud of him that he agreed very graciously to attend and learn these skills.
Thanks for writing this. It will help many (like me) who haven't put all these beautiful words and explanations together in such a succinct and informative way….You should be very proud of this as you have quite a command of BPD and how to present it in a respectful and honest manner.
I have BPD and I'm currently in grad school to get a Master's in social work. I just completed my first year, and everything wasn't as perfect as I hoped it would be. There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" I made it though, and I now know that I have so much to offer to my future clients because of my own experience with mental illnesses. You don't have to be completely "healed" to pursue your dreams. I have friends with mental illnesses who are therapists, and I've even had a therapist who struggled with an eating disorder. And guess what? Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! Now go for it!! 🙂
I have BPD and I'm currently in grad school to get a Master's in social work. I just completed my first year, and everything wasn't as perfect as I hoped it would be. There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" I made it though, and I now know that I have so much to offer to my future clients because of my own experience with mental illnesses. You don't have to be completely "healed" to pursue your dreams. I have friends with mental illnesses who are therapists, and I've even had a therapist who struggled with an eating disorder. And guess what? Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! Now go for it!! 🙂
Oh Debbie, once again, you have kept it real. I wish I had read this 6 year's ago. I could have given it to my husband and things may have been different. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. It can often produce stereotyping and be frightening and misleading. However, your information, resources and support are consistent, real, accurate and like the comfort of a warm blanket on a cold night. Thank you for sharing especially during your own struggles. It gives me hope.x
Oh Debbie, once again, you have kept it real. I wish I had read this 6 year's ago. I could have given it to my husband and things may have been different. We all receive different care and information from professionals and those around us, information has never been so easily accessible. It can often produce stereotyping and be frightening and misleading. However, your information, resources and support are consistent, real, accurate and like the comfort of a warm blanket on a cold night. Thank you for sharing especially during your own struggles. It gives me hope.x
I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. I have subjected myself to 2 abusive relationships, and have 2 children by both of my abusers. I have successfully alienated my oldest who is 12 and see how my behaviors are effecting my youngest who is 7. I am scared, and I am alone. My family "tolerates" me. I have the unique ability to "throw people off" my scent when they get close to calling me out on stuff…The only reason why I am here is because my oldest told me tonight that he knows that I am "unwell" and expressed himself honestly about those characteristics in my behavior that are destroying him emotionally… to be fair, I am dealing with a lot of unnormal stuff, but am really unclear as to where it all ends and I begin… I really have no idea, and I am miserable. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. I am about to go to my brothers wedding and a ton of my family will be there. I have absolutely no desire to go since my mother, who is one of my past abusers will be there , and I would rather slit my wrists then be around her because she triggers me CONSTANTLY and seems to enjoy doing so… Please help me. I pray every night for God to help me…I would love some direction and support… Thank You.
I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. I have subjected myself to 2 abusive relationships, and have 2 children by both of my abusers. I have successfully alienated my oldest who is 12 and see how my behaviors are effecting my youngest who is 7. I am scared, and I am alone. My family "tolerates" me. I have the unique ability to "throw people off" my scent when they get close to calling me out on stuff…The only reason why I am here is because my oldest told me tonight that he knows that I am "unwell" and expressed himself honestly about those characteristics in my behavior that are destroying him emotionally… to be fair, I am dealing with a lot of unnormal stuff, but am really unclear as to where it all ends and I begin… I really have no idea, and I am miserable. I am scared that I am destroying my children, whom I love so very much. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. I am about to go to my brothers wedding and a ton of my family will be there. I have absolutely no desire to go since my mother, who is one of my past abusers will be there , and I would rather slit my wrists then be around her because she triggers me CONSTANTLY and seems to enjoy doing so… Please help me. I pray every night for God to help me…I would love some direction and support… Thank You.
Debbie,
Wonderful!
Debbie,
Wonderful!
I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. I am currently single, but hoping that someday she comes back to me and we can have the life together that i so know God chose for us…… Whatever your doing don't quit, don't run, fight, struggle….. you deserve to be loved…. and "WE" your partners love you, even if today, this week, this month, this year, you hate "US"! -JB
I am a male who's spent the last three and a half years dealing with a partner with BPD, do not give up, there are people who love you enough and are strong enough to deal/fight through this with you. I am currently single, but hoping that someday she comes back to me and we can have the life together that i so know God chose for us…… Whatever your doing don't quit, don't run, fight, struggle….. you deserve to be loved…. and "WE" your partners love you, even if today, this week, this month, this year, you hate "US"! -JB
Thank you so much for this letter. It was both painful and hopeful to read it. I have strong reasons to beleive my exfiancée has BPD. She is a wonderful Woman and I love her with all my heart, my life, my everything.
I´ve read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. She can´t acknowledge there is a problem, much less attend therapy or consider consulting a therapist. This situation has been devastating because we were planning to get married and I wanted nothing more than that but her unwillingness to even realize that there could be something and act is what made me left, also because I was already showing signs of burn out such as anxiety, insomnia and depression that led me to my own therapy. I´ve not recovered fully from this. I want nothing more than get back with her but I don´t know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and won´t leave. However the couple of times I suggested this we just fight and nothing came from it. I don´t want to live without her but it is hard to live with her if there is not some hope of improvement at her hipersensitivity, overreactions, constant blame and white and black thinking. I guess my point is, Is there hope for a person with BPD that can even realize that something is wrong despite I can see many symptoms?
Thank you so much for your guidance.
Thank you so much for this letter. It was both painful and hopeful to read it. I have strong reasons to beleive my exfiancée has BPD. She is a wonderful Woman and I love her with all my heart, my life, my everything.
I´ve read that DBT could be the answer to her unpredictable behaviour and fears, the problem is that we were stuck in a step before. She can´t acknowledge there is a problem, much less attend therapy or consider consulting a therapist. This situation has been devastating because we were planning to get married and I wanted nothing more than that but her unwillingness to even realize that there could be something and act is what made me left, also because I was already showing signs of burn out such as anxiety, insomnia and depression that led me to my own therapy. I´ve not recovered fully from this. I want nothing more than get back with her but I don´t know how to convey that I love her, that I would fully support her if she would be willing to explore and face this and won´t leave. However the couple of times I suggested this we just fight and nothing came from it. I don´t want to live without her but it is hard to live with her if there is not some hope of improvement at her hipersensitivity, overreactions, constant blame and white and black thinking. I guess my point is, Is there hope for a person with BPD that can even realize that something is wrong despite I can see many symptoms?
Thank you so much for your guidance.
Yes, I know. It's nice to hear this from a BPD perspective. My sister has borderline personality disorder and yes, I am separating myself from her because of the years of abuse directed to me and my family. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to even acknowledge that half the time (more than half the time) and I have had to take a zero tolerance for any crap in order to protect my family. My mother has to pretty much do the same thing. She loves her, she wants her to be happy, but to be verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically abused, she can't be always 'there' for her. I know it might seem I am heartless, but I have to put my own husband and my 5 children first. My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. Her idea of help is everyone doing what she wants, on her schedule. She feels fully justified in treating my mother with all sorts of nasty abusive language and accusations. My dad likely has BPD too because my mother lived through 30 years of marriage with this. If my sister would actually seek out the help she really does need, instead of expecting everyone to conform to her ideas and expectations, I would be a little more hopefully. But right now, she would react in a completely negative way to even the suggestion that she needs help. She's 30 years old. She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help.
Yes, I know. It's nice to hear this from a BPD perspective. My sister has borderline personality disorder and yes, I am separating myself from her because of the years of abuse directed to me and my family. She has been diagnosed, but refuses to even acknowledge that half the time (more than half the time) and I have had to take a zero tolerance for any crap in order to protect my family. My mother has to pretty much do the same thing. She loves her, she wants her to be happy, but to be verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically abused, she can't be always 'there' for her. I know it might seem I am heartless, but I have to put my own husband and my 5 children first. My mother does want to help her, but she won't help herself. Her idea of help is everyone doing what she wants, on her schedule. She feels fully justified in treating my mother with all sorts of nasty abusive language and accusations. My dad likely has BPD too because my mother lived through 30 years of marriage with this. If my sister would actually seek out the help she really does need, instead of expecting everyone to conform to her ideas and expectations, I would be a little more hopefully. But right now, she would react in a completely negative way to even the suggestion that she needs help. She's 30 years old. She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. I wish she would recognise her need to make changes with help.
ive been through the same, she knows she has it but cant have anyone know, she cant have people think shes not perfect and happy. ive stuck with her while she tells people 1365 dif reasons we arent together. she now cant be with me because what will people think if we are seen together? my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today… tomorrow..
ive been through the same, she knows she has it but cant have anyone know, she cant have people think shes not perfect and happy. ive stuck with her while she tells people 1365 dif reasons we arent together. she now cant be with me because what will people think if we are seen together? my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today… tomorrow..
I like this letter. It lays out the facts while giving room for the Non in the person with BPD's life options. If only we all got it laid out like this. I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part.
The one thing I would add is that people with BPD need to recognize that no matter the rationale for their actions, they do hurt people, and hurt people have a right to their feelings as much as people with BPD have a right to their own feelings. I know that there are some less-than-helpful sites for Nons, and there are some Nons with some serious issues of their own. That still doesn't negate the real pain that people with BPD do cause. This isn't to say that they're evil. But the pain is there all the same.
I like this letter. It lays out the facts while giving room for the Non in the person with BPD's life options. If only we all got it laid out like this. I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part.
The one thing I would add is that people with BPD need to recognize that no matter the rationale for their actions, they do hurt people, and hurt people have a right to their feelings as much as people with BPD have a right to their own feelings. I know that there are some less-than-helpful sites for Nons, and there are some Nons with some serious issues of their own. That still doesn't negate the real pain that people with BPD do cause. This isn't to say that they're evil. But the pain is there all the same.
Debbie,
I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty and compassion. Thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul open for us to share.xx
Debbie,
I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty and compassion. Thankyou, once again, for putting your heart and soul open for us to share.xx
It's hard. I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. I got my diagnosis when i was 18. I was in denial until 27 years old. I put my family through hell for years. Ironic though since it was my family putting me through hell for years that caused me to develop BPD.
All i can say is it is a very long process. Don't write her off. Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. This is an extreemly complicated disorder. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. It's bloody hard work to change your whole life and how you live it.
It's like you're a baby learning everything all over again. Not easy.
When she does decide to get help, and i hope she does. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. I wish you all the best.
It's hard. I am the 30 year old sister with BPD. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. I got my diagnosis when i was 18. I was in denial until 27 years old. I put my family through hell for years. Ironic though since it was my family putting me through hell for years that caused me to develop BPD.
All i can say is it is a very long process. Don't write her off. Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. This is an extreemly complicated disorder. I have beeen through 3 years of DBT therapy and figuring out who i am and how i came to have this horrible disorder. It's bloody hard work to change your whole life and how you live it.
It's like you're a baby learning everything all over again. Not easy.
When she does decide to get help, and i hope she does. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. I wish you all the best.
Debbie you have said what we all struggle to say. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. I feel helpless, powerless to get my feelings accross. Thanks, i'm going to share this with my partner.
Debbie you have said what we all struggle to say. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. I feel helpless, powerless to get my feelings accross. Thanks, i'm going to share this with my partner.
Thank you for your wonderful comment. I truly appreciate what you said.
Thank you for your wonderful comment. I truly appreciate what you said.
Hello Angela,
I have to agree with DBTChick. The most inspiring thing about what she said is that Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) recently came out as having BPD! She spent years in a mental hospital when she was younger — now look at all of the people she's helped and continues to help.
Keep believing in your dream!
In kindness,
Debbie
Hello Angela,
I have to agree with DBTChick. The most inspiring thing about what she said is that Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) recently came out as having BPD! She spent years in a mental hospital when she was younger — now look at all of the people she's helped and continues to help.
Keep believing in your dream!
In kindness,
Debbie
You're very welcome. ♥
You're very welcome. ♥
Hi Laurel,
Thank you for your heartfelt comment in response to my letter. I'd be honored if you shared it with your DBT Group and therapist (and your family!).
I am so happy that you feel it was a help to you, and I appreciate all of the kind things you said. Thank you.
In kindness,
Debbie ♥
Hi Laurel,
Thank you for your heartfelt comment in response to my letter. I'd be honored if you shared it with your DBT Group and therapist (and your family!).
I am so happy that you feel it was a help to you, and I appreciate all of the kind things you said. Thank you.
In kindness,
Debbie ♥
You know what, I wouldn't have been able to write it 6 years ago. Everything in it's perfect timing. I really appreciate all of the kind, encouraging words you've offered here. Thank you, and may the knowledge you acquire now help you to build a life worth living from here and forward. ♥
You know what, I wouldn't have been able to write it 6 years ago. Everything in it's perfect timing. I really appreciate all of the kind, encouraging words you've offered here. Thank you, and may the knowledge you acquire now help you to build a life worth living from here and forward. ♥
Thank you so much! ♥
Thank you so much! ♥
You are a brave and kind man. I hope that everything works out in your favor. Thank you for being who you are. ♥
You are a brave and kind man. I hope that everything works out in your favor. Thank you for being who you are. ♥
I am praying for you, too. I want to point out that you have a lot of clarity and insight into what's been happening for you and your desired boundaries around your family. You deserve to feel safe. If you are serious about hurting yourself, I need to ask you to please get medical attention right away. If it was just a figure of speech, please know that you can make choices to take care of YOU and to prioritize which relationships come first in your world. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to help you get started.
I am praying for you, too. I want to point out that you have a lot of clarity and insight into what's been happening for you and your desired boundaries around your family. You deserve to feel safe. If you are serious about hurting yourself, I need to ask you to please get medical attention right away. If it was just a figure of speech, please know that you can make choices to take care of YOU and to prioritize which relationships come first in your world. If you want to talk to someone who can help you get connected with services and support, please contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to help you get started.
Thank you so much for your comment. You sound like a good and strong person with a huge heart. I am not really able to offer guidance, as I am just a peer with the BPD diagnosis, but as I've recommended to another reader, you may want to contact Amanda Smith of Hope for BPD at: (941) 704-4328. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to point you in the right direction. ♥
I am so sorry that you are suffering as a result of your sister's behavior. That is certainly not easy. I don't think it is heartless that you've chosen to put your family first and set boundaries – that is healthy!
I hope that your sister receives the help that she needs and that you and your family get the support you deserve as well. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. ♥
I agree with your insights and appreciate that you took the time to comment here. ♥
I agree with your insights and appreciate that you took the time to comment here. ♥
Hi Tea ☺
You're welcome, and thank you – as always – for the kind feedback. ♥
Hi Tea ☺
You're welcome, and thank you – as always – for the kind feedback. ♥
Rainbow, I am so pleased and happy that this letter will be helpful to you. ♥
Rainbow, I am so pleased and happy that this letter will be helpful to you. ♥
Thank you so much for this letter. It brought tears to my eyes. I have passed it on to my family and friends who support me. I am currently waiting for DBT treatment and your blog and videos help me no end, i use them on a daily basis, like i'm warming up for the marathon which will be my DBT healing, hopefully.
Rachel
x
Thank you so much for this letter. It brought tears to my eyes. I have passed it on to my family and friends who support me. I am currently waiting for DBT treatment and your blog and videos help me no end, i use them on a daily basis, like i'm warming up for the marathon which will be my DBT healing, hopefully.
Rachel
x
I loved your letter. I believe my daughter has BPD. We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too.
I tried to help her by pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked her (!!!) and I guess I thought tough love would maybe get through to her, but it's been 3 and 1/2 years since I have seen or talked to her or my grandchildren. My heart breaks every day for them.
My mother talks to her and says she doesn't even sound like the person we used to know.
I have reached out several times over the years… and nothing… except mean posts on facebook that make me cry for months.
Thanks for your beautiful letter… it reminds me that she can't help it… and we were close for 32 years… so close. 🙁
Heartbroken in Texas
I loved your letter. I believe my daughter has BPD. We were always extremely close, until she got involved in a highly stressful abusive relationship. I watched her deteriorate before my eyes and her children, too.
I tried to help her by pleading not to go back to the guy after he choked her (!!!) and I guess I thought tough love would maybe get through to her, but it's been 3 and 1/2 years since I have seen or talked to her or my grandchildren. My heart breaks every day for them.
My mother talks to her and says she doesn't even sound like the person we used to know.
I have reached out several times over the years… and nothing… except mean posts on facebook that make me cry for months.
Thanks for your beautiful letter… it reminds me that she can't help it… and we were close for 32 years… so close. 🙁
Heartbroken in Texas
i haven't figured out what i think about BPD.. i've been diagnosed with it several times and as a result the system has treated me TERRIBLY. before you all jump on me telling me i'm in denial don't want to get help etc i've done nothing but GET HELP for years. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". It wasn't untill this year, despite 15 years of being labelled, i was able to get that changed. this doesn't work for everyone, at all. But for what it's worth you're brave for writing this letter, and i hope for the people who are genuinely affected by this condition, they are heard supported and loved as they definitely don't need anymore shit.
i haven't figured out what i think about BPD.. i've been diagnosed with it several times and as a result the system has treated me TERRIBLY. before you all jump on me telling me i'm in denial don't want to get help etc i've done nothing but GET HELP for years. being transgendered i was unable to get appropriate medical help because i was told my gender disphoria was "identity disturbance". It wasn't untill this year, despite 15 years of being labelled, i was able to get that changed. this doesn't work for everyone, at all. But for what it's worth you're brave for writing this letter, and i hope for the people who are genuinely affected by this condition, they are heard supported and loved as they definitely don't need anymore shit.
I wish I could get my husband to read this. I want to get help, but I know we have no money. He seems to be in complete denial of my diagnosis. He says that the money we spent on therapy and meds has done nothing to help; he doesn't think it's worth it. I feel like he doesn't understand that it's a process it will take a long time. My mother has informed herself about bpd, so that she can give me the support I need in a way that I can accept it. I just wish my husband would do the same; I need his support more than I need my mothers.
I wish I could get my husband to read this. I want to get help, but I know we have no money. He seems to be in complete denial of my diagnosis. He says that the money we spent on therapy and meds has done nothing to help; he doesn't think it's worth it. I feel like he doesn't understand that it's a process it will take a long time. My mother has informed herself about bpd, so that she can give me the support I need in a way that I can accept it. I just wish my husband would do the same; I need his support more than I need my mothers.
I was diagnosed at around 21 but had it in my records as 'potential' at 16 because of severe depression, suicidal ideation, and self harm. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder.
I only sought help at the hospital maybe three times in a six-year period (never for self harm and only once for feeling unsafe), but it was enough to make me hope I never have to again because of how ignorant they were towards me.
The case workers I had treated me no better. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPD…it wasn't.
I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized I actually have complex PTSD. They have similar symptoms, but I don't believe they can be classified the same. I know people with BPD who were never abused or traumatized, so they can't really say BPD is actually a type of PTSD/trauma-based disorder either.
I am doing 99% better now that I got proper treatment for the eating disorder. It helped with a lot of other symptoms. It's kind of just an awesome miracle that I've come as far as I have.
I was diagnosed at around 21 but had it in my records as 'potential' at 16 because of severe depression, suicidal ideation, and self harm. Over the years after I turned 18, I was treated pretty bad as well by case workers I had and ER nurses and psych nurses because I also had an eating disorder.
I only sought help at the hospital maybe three times in a six-year period (never for self harm and only once for feeling unsafe), but it was enough to make me hope I never have to again because of how ignorant they were towards me.
The case workers I had treated me no better. I tried telling them what I KNEW I needed treatment wise, but because it wasn't available to me, they kept telling me I just didn't WANT to get better and wouldn't take the help offered even though I actually did go through all the groups offered, which didn't help because of the other issues I struggled with which they just said was BPD…it wasn't.
I never agreed with the diagnosis either for myself and realized I actually have complex PTSD. They have similar symptoms, but I don't believe they can be classified the same. I know people with BPD who were never abused or traumatized, so they can't really say BPD is actually a type of PTSD/trauma-based disorder either.
I am doing 99% better now that I got proper treatment for the eating disorder. It helped with a lot of other symptoms. It's kind of just an awesome miracle that I've come as far as I have.
Debbie,
This was an amazing letter that you wrote!!! Spot on insight!! And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. Thank you so much. I also shared this letter with my husband so that maybe he will have a better understanding of what I go through. I wish I could show this to my boss. She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. I don't see what that has to do with anything. Yes, it's good to have a job so that i'm out of the house and not laying in bed all day. But working also adds more stressors to an already stressed out life. You have come a long way and thank you for helping the rest of us!!! 🙂
Debbie,
This was an amazing letter that you wrote!!! Spot on insight!! And it also made me aware of a lot of my behavior that i was never aware of and now i have a better understanding of some of the things i do and why. Thank you so much. I also shared this letter with my husband so that maybe he will have a better understanding of what I go through. I wish I could show this to my boss. She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. I don't see what that has to do with anything. Yes, it's good to have a job so that i'm out of the house and not laying in bed all day. But working also adds more stressors to an already stressed out life. You have come a long way and thank you for helping the rest of us!!! 🙂
I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. If you had told me 10 yrs ago I would be happily married and eventually become a mother I would have given you the finger and told you to shut the F up. I've been told I would always be this way, I would always be Borderline, always end up messing up my life, always needing care for my psycological issues. Once diagnosed BPD, always BPD. Don't give up on YOU. Don't let people (in my case a doctor) tell you that you will always be like this, that there is no way out.
I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. I would live and die alone. I would never fall inlove and start a family. I would be a misserable person with no goals. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. Who would want ME? I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on life. I had struggled long and hard, it was enough. I thank higher powers for not leaving life. I would have missed my little princess daughter, missed my husband, missed out on my "recovery". I got therapy, I asked for help and got it. The right kind of help. The sort of help I needed. Sorry it had to take me so long to get it, but better late then never. All in all today I am successfull in all that I set my mind on to do. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. I got new "tools" to manage my feelings and how I feel about my self. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. I no longer do the things I used to do. I don't harm my self, don't act on impulse, don't fear abandonment… I am no longer scared or afraid to live and love. Live life to the fullest. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. There is a FUTURE, just DONT GIVE UP, be STRONG, get HELP.
Love, Linda <3
I'm a 39 yr old wife and mother of a beautiful babygirl of 19 months. If you had told me 10 yrs ago I would be happily married and eventually become a mother I would have given you the finger and told you to shut the F up. I've been told I would always be this way, I would always be Borderline, always end up messing up my life, always needing care for my psycological issues. Once diagnosed BPD, always BPD. Don't give up on YOU. Don't let people (in my case a doctor) tell you that you will always be like this, that there is no way out.
I had no hope in life, no future as it seemed. I would live and die alone. I would never fall inlove and start a family. I would be a misserable person with no goals. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. Who would want ME? I wanted to throw in the towel and give up on life. I had struggled long and hard, it was enough. I thank higher powers for not leaving life. I would have missed my little princess daughter, missed my husband, missed out on my "recovery". I got therapy, I asked for help and got it. The right kind of help. The sort of help I needed. Sorry it had to take me so long to get it, but better late then never. All in all today I am successfull in all that I set my mind on to do. I've learned how to focus on the important things and how to handle my emotions. I got new "tools" to manage my feelings and how I feel about my self. I am actually building up an identity, something that is ME. I no longer do the things I used to do. I don't harm my self, don't act on impulse, don't fear abandonment… I am no longer scared or afraid to live and love. Live life to the fullest. Last but not least, thank you for the wonderful open letter. There is a FUTURE, just DONT GIVE UP, be STRONG, get HELP.
Love, Linda <3
My wife has BPD, and she sent me a link to this article so I could understand it better. I'm really glad she did; now I can see mistakes that I've made dealing with her, and I know how to be a better and more supportive husband. Thank you for the article.
My wife has BPD, and she sent me a link to this article so I could understand it better. I'm really glad she did; now I can see mistakes that I've made dealing with her, and I know how to be a better and more supportive husband. Thank you for the article.
I loved this!!! I am borderline, but also bipolar, which I take medication for. I'm fortunate enough to have a man in my life who is willing to put up with my ups and downs, how mean I can be for no reason… so many things.
I wish more people could understand what it's like, but you're right- we don't know what it's like for them to see us this way either.
I have never sought treatment (aside from counseling) for my BPD, because mostly group therapy is suggested and the last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of strangers about my problems… 🙁
I loved this!!! I am borderline, but also bipolar, which I take medication for. I'm fortunate enough to have a man in my life who is willing to put up with my ups and downs, how mean I can be for no reason… so many things.
I wish more people could understand what it's like, but you're right- we don't know what it's like for them to see us this way either.
I have never sought treatment (aside from counseling) for my BPD, because mostly group therapy is suggested and the last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of strangers about my problems… 🙁
I love you, baby. 🙂 Thank you for reading this.
I love you, baby. 🙂 Thank you for reading this.
Hi Rachel. I am so glad that this letter can serve as a tool for sharing your journey with family and friends, and that you are able to find some help through my blog. Hugs! ♥
Hi Rachel. I am so glad that this letter can serve as a tool for sharing your journey with family and friends, and that you are able to find some help through my blog. Hugs! ♥
I am so glad that this letter has helped you find some more compassion and understanding for your daughter. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. ♥
I am so glad that this letter has helped you find some more compassion and understanding for your daughter. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. ♥
There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. I am so sorry that you were treated badly becuase of your diagnosis. Thank you for your kind comment. ♥
There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. I am so sorry that you were treated badly becuase of your diagnosis. Thank you for your kind comment. ♥
Brea, it can be really difficult when financials are suffering, but there are many people out there self-teaching the skills until such a time that they can afford to go to groups or individual DBT. My significant other felt the same way as yours – that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. I hope your husband is able to open his heart and read the letter.
Brea, it can be really difficult when financials are suffering, but there are many people out there self-teaching the skills until such a time that they can afford to go to groups or individual DBT. My significant other felt the same way as yours – that therapy was a waste of time and money, until I finally showed progress and began getting better through DBT. I hope your husband is able to open his heart and read the letter.
Hi Linda,
Thank you for your kind comment. I am very glad that your husband is open to supporting you and hope that the letter helped. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. Proud of you for going back to work. ♥
Hi Linda,
Thank you for your kind comment. I am very glad that your husband is open to supporting you and hope that the letter helped. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. Proud of you for going back to work. ♥
You have made so much progress!! Linda, thank you for taking the time to share these thoughts, as they will no doubt help others who read this post and scroll down to see your comment. ♥
Armon, what a kind, loving husband you are. Happy for you both.
Armon, what a kind, loving husband you are. Happy for you both.
Hello – thank you so much for sharing. Groups are not for everyone. You never know though…it could end up being really helpful to hear from others who are going through the very same things as you. ♥
Hello – thank you so much for sharing. Groups are not for everyone. You never know though…it could end up being really helpful to hear from others who are going through the very same things as you. ♥
Hi Healing from BPD-
What a great letter! I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. It is intense, exhausting, and rewarding! Everyday I sit with teenage girls in crisis, and oftentimes I think they struggling to find the words you expressed so eloquently in your letter. I know others requested to share it and I too would love to share it with a client, or perhaps imply put it up on the wall in my office =) Are you comfortable with it?
I wish you skillful means.
Hi Healing from BPD-
What a great letter! I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. It is intense, exhausting, and rewarding! Everyday I sit with teenage girls in crisis, and oftentimes I think they struggling to find the words you expressed so eloquently in your letter. I know others requested to share it and I too would love to share it with a client, or perhaps imply put it up on the wall in my office =) Are you comfortable with it?
I wish you skillful means.
Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. I wish you strength and hope as you do this work, and please always remember to also take care of YOU. I would love it if you shared my letter with clients and posted it on the wall in your office. I am so glad that you believe it will be helpful. Have a great evening.
Thank you for taking the time to leave this kind comment, and more importantly, for the wonderful work you are doing to help hurting people. I wish you strength and hope as you do this work, and please always remember to also take care of YOU. I would love it if you shared my letter with clients and posted it on the wall in your office. I am so glad that you believe it will be helpful. Have a great evening.
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. I am about to give birth to my first child and one of my baby's grandparents most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (previously diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but many of us believe BPD is a more comprehensive explanation and DBT type therapy/interactions are the only things that have consistently had a positive impact). Our struggle, particularly as we prepare for our first child, is that this grandparent usually rejects all diagnoses and has not been able to successfully initiate and maintain any treatment regime (medication or therapy). Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. I'm always fascinated and encouraged to see persons with BPD who accept the diagnosis and are embracing treatment.
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog. I am about to give birth to my first child and one of my baby's grandparents most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder (previously diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but many of us believe BPD is a more comprehensive explanation and DBT type therapy/interactions are the only things that have consistently had a positive impact). Our struggle, particularly as we prepare for our first child, is that this grandparent usually rejects all diagnoses and has not been able to successfully initiate and maintain any treatment regime (medication or therapy). Furthermore, this grandparent generally claims to be perfectly well and claims that there is something wrong with all the rest of us. I'm always fascinated and encouraged to see persons with BPD who accept the diagnosis and are embracing treatment.
Thank you so much for writing this, I am putting it everywhere I can. Thanks.
Thank you so much for writing this, I am putting it everywhere I can. Thanks.
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. It is inspiring and a ray of light to those of us who have a loved one with BPD to remind us that is just an aspect that can be overcommed to let us live in full the beauty of life. You are a source of admiration, thanks for your courage and generous words.
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. It is inspiring and a ray of light to those of us who have a loved one with BPD to remind us that is just an aspect that can be overcommed to let us live in full the beauty of life. You are a source of admiration, thanks for your courage and generous words.
First of all I want to commend you on your progress and all the hard work that I am sure you have gone through to get to where you are now, especially having the courage to write this letter. I thank you for writing this. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. It has been the most challenging part of my entire life, I love her unconditionally and with all of my heart yet it never seems to be enough, to be noticed, to be accepted. Instead, despite how I dread to say this, I am an outlet for her fears, insecurities and blame. I have learned with time and education on my part that her pain is not my fault and it is not my responsiblity to fix. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. I pray that she is able to find a place where you are now. It's a horribly helpless feeling to watch someone you love in pain. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. What you have written here is one of the most accurate and personable depictions of BPD, it gives way to understanding and hope. Thank you again. Best of luck!
NB
First of all I want to commend you on your progress and all the hard work that I am sure you have gone through to get to where you are now, especially having the courage to write this letter. I thank you for writing this. I have grown up loving my mother who struggles with BPD. It has been the most challenging part of my entire life, I love her unconditionally and with all of my heart yet it never seems to be enough, to be noticed, to be accepted. Instead, despite how I dread to say this, I am an outlet for her fears, insecurities and blame. I have learned with time and education on my part that her pain is not my fault and it is not my responsiblity to fix. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. I pray that she is able to find a place where you are now. It's a horribly helpless feeling to watch someone you love in pain. I hope somewhere in her heart she truly KNOWS the love I have for her and though I may never be able to see it returned to me, I everyday press on in my efforts to support her and encourage positive change. What you have written here is one of the most accurate and personable depictions of BPD, it gives way to understanding and hope. Thank you again. Best of luck!
NB
Debbie, what a brilliant letter! Thank you for sharing it with this forum. What stands out for me is HOPE! That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. Life can be hard for all of us at times, and if you are struggling with the problems that face people with BPD then it can get really tough. I worked as part of a DBT team during the last few years before my retirement. We were taught years ago that BPD was 'untreatable' and it took me a little time to take a leap of faith in DBT. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. For me as I gained more experience and I saw the positive changes DBT can lead to, this helped me to avoid that particular trap. As a therapist I was aware of not breaking confidentiality, yet wanting to show potential and new clients that change is possible. In my experience, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to find someone who as gone through the DBT treatment to share some of their experiences with potential or new clients. Starting therapy can be daunting, and the person needs to make the decision for themselves, but your letter, and other people's experinces here can inspire hope in others, and help them through difficult times. You know what it's like, in a way that no therapist does, to live with BPD day in and day out. Thank you, and best wishes for the future.
Debbie, what a brilliant letter! Thank you for sharing it with this forum. What stands out for me is HOPE! That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. Life can be hard for all of us at times, and if you are struggling with the problems that face people with BPD then it can get really tough. I worked as part of a DBT team during the last few years before my retirement. We were taught years ago that BPD was 'untreatable' and it took me a little time to take a leap of faith in DBT. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. For me as I gained more experience and I saw the positive changes DBT can lead to, this helped me to avoid that particular trap. As a therapist I was aware of not breaking confidentiality, yet wanting to show potential and new clients that change is possible. In my experience, one of the most effective ways of doing this is to find someone who as gone through the DBT treatment to share some of their experiences with potential or new clients. Starting therapy can be daunting, and the person needs to make the decision for themselves, but your letter, and other people's experinces here can inspire hope in others, and help them through difficult times. You know what it's like, in a way that no therapist does, to live with BPD day in and day out. Thank you, and best wishes for the future.
I just want to add another thank you for writing this. I sent it to my mom, who after reading it, said she understands my condition and why I do the things I do a lot better, especially the parts about the fear of abandonment. She read some of your other posts and she said she could see a lot of similarities between us. It's sort of comforting that she said that, because it confirms that I probably finally have the right diagnosis. My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. They said that it was more important to show me how much they love me than to go on long vacations alone. I am so thankful that they seem to get it. Your letter really helped us become closer, as it explained some things in a way that I cannot yet.
I just want to add another thank you for writing this. I sent it to my mom, who after reading it, said she understands my condition and why I do the things I do a lot better, especially the parts about the fear of abandonment. She read some of your other posts and she said she could see a lot of similarities between us. It's sort of comforting that she said that, because it confirms that I probably finally have the right diagnosis. My mom and dad talked about my fear of abandonment and decided not to go on long vacations together anymore, because I always become unstable when they do. They said that it was more important to show me how much they love me than to go on long vacations alone. I am so thankful that they seem to get it. Your letter really helped us become closer, as it explained some things in a way that I cannot yet.
Hay Debbie, I can relate to so much of this. I have been diagnosed with BPD, Obsessive Compulsive PD, Histrionic PD, Avoidant PD, Dependant PD and Depressive. Life is such a struggle. I'm in a therapeutic community in the UK which is really helping, it's 3 days a week. I find it so hard to put into words my struggles but you have done it perfectly. I have heard about DBT, butdon't really know much about it. I will try and find your blog, Lots of love Kat
Hay Debbie, I can relate to so much of this. I have been diagnosed with BPD, Obsessive Compulsive PD, Histrionic PD, Avoidant PD, Dependant PD and Depressive. Life is such a struggle. I'm in a therapeutic community in the UK which is really helping, it's 3 days a week. I find it so hard to put into words my struggles but you have done it perfectly. I have heard about DBT, butdon't really know much about it. I will try and find your blog, Lots of love Kat
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Thanks for writing this. My girlfriend has BPD, and I've been at my wits' end, not knowing how to deal with it. She often tears into me at the slightest provocation (one night a couple of weeks ago, for example, she said she needed some time alone, and locked herself in our bedroom. I had promised not to disturb her, but a few minutes later I realized I'd left the book I was reading in the bedroom, so I lightly tapped on the door. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with me–she breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day).
I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. Very occasionally, though (It just happened three nights ago for the 4th time in our 15-month relationship), I'll lose my own head and say some terse and unfair things. Whenever that happens it takes her many days to recover, during which periods she will vacillate between seeming to be okay, and seething, and saying things like "I don't trust you. You don't understand me. I can't be myself around you. Don't expect me to ever open up to you again." At times I've felt as if, emotionally, I were being held hostage. Needless to say, it hasn't been easy for either of us. But I'm learning how to deal with it, thanks in part to resources such as this open letter. Thanks again. ~ Dave M.
Also, during those long recovery periods, she will fixate on a distorted, misremembered and misquoted version of something I'd said during the fight, always distorted to be much harsher than what I actually said, and sometimes completely "fabricated" with no basis in anything I said. This is the hardest thing of all for me to overcome. ~ Dave M.
Also, during those long recovery periods, she will fixate on a distorted, misremembered and misquoted version of something I'd said during the fight, always distorted to be much harsher than what I actually said, and sometimes completely "fabricated" with no basis in anything I said. This is the hardest thing of all for me to overcome. ~ Dave M.
This comment has been removed by the author.
This comment has been removed by the author.
i love your article and i wish that i was that far ahead; we are given just one year of dbt then we get on with it alone; there may be a graduate group but it will only be every month or two for a few hours and no therapy;
my dbt ended about a month ago and far from moving on i am regressing and i feel that i have never done it at all;
i would so like to be able to see things as you do but it looks very unlikely that i ever will; i would say give thanks every day for what you have been given and spare a thought and maybe a prayer for those of us who are still in the pits and stuggling; one year is just not enough to make the skills part of ones life.
i love your article and i wish that i was that far ahead; we are given just one year of dbt then we get on with it alone; there may be a graduate group but it will only be every month or two for a few hours and no therapy;
my dbt ended about a month ago and far from moving on i am regressing and i feel that i have never done it at all;
i would so like to be able to see things as you do but it looks very unlikely that i ever will; i would say give thanks every day for what you have been given and spare a thought and maybe a prayer for those of us who are still in the pits and stuggling; one year is just not enough to make the skills part of ones life.
Thanks for reminding me that there are people out there who can still sympathise x
Thanks for reminding me that there are people out there who can still sympathise x
I have BPD, i'm from Norway. Its hard, and my life sucks.. My blog is aggis.wordpress.com, but its in norwgian, lol. I'n sending a hug to you ❤❤
I have BPD, i'm from Norway. Its hard, and my life sucks.. My blog is aggis.wordpress.com, but its in norwgian, lol. I'n sending a hug to you ❤❤
Hi Debbie,
I just love this letter. Thank you for expressing so eloquently and non-judgmentally what (I bet) so many with BPD wish they could say to friends and loved ones. Would you mind if I reposted it on my blog (beautyandtheborderline.wordpress.com)?
And thanks, too, for sharing your story!
Dear Debbie, i am so glad that i found you letter. Yes, YOU can imagine. Thank you so much for your openess, dedication and help. Love, Andrea
Dear Debbie, i am so glad that i found you letter. Yes, YOU can imagine. Thank you so much for your openess, dedication and help. Love, Andrea
You are so welcome, Heather. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. ♥ Debbie
You are so welcome, Heather. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. ♥ Debbie
Kelly, thank you so much for letting me know! ♥ Debbie
Kelly, thank you so much for letting me know! ♥ Debbie
Hello NB — thank you so much for your kind, insightful comment. I wish you so much healing and hope as you continue on your journey. ♥ Debbie
Hello NB — thank you so much for your kind, insightful comment. I wish you so much healing and hope as you continue on your journey. ♥ Debbie
Hi Damask — thank you so much for taking the time to write such a beautiful comment. I am very excited for your ongoing healing! ♥ Debbie
Hi K.C.,
Thank you so much for your comment. It sounds like your Mom cares to find out what's happening for you. That is wonderful. I am very glad to hear about the understanding you're experiencing within your family. Huge hugs! ♥ Debbie
Hi K.C.,
Thank you so much for your comment. It sounds like your Mom cares to find out what's happening for you. That is wonderful. I am very glad to hear about the understanding you're experiencing within your family. Huge hugs! ♥ Debbie
Hi Kat — thank you so much for sharing. I truly hope you have connected with resources to support you and have had a chance to learn more about DBT! Thanks for commenting. ♥ Debbie
Hi Kat — thank you so much for sharing. I truly hope you have connected with resources to support you and have had a chance to learn more about DBT! Thanks for commenting. ♥ Debbie
Dave, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. ♥ Debbie
Dave, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. ♥ Debbie
Thank you so much for commenting. Please give yourself time and hold on in hope. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. ♥ Debbie
Thank you so much for commenting. Please give yourself time and hold on in hope. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. ♥ Debbie
Hi Anne — thank you for commenting. I think you are the first Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog. Thanks for sharing. Hope you are well! ♥ Debbie
Hi Anne — thank you for commenting. I think you are the first Norwegian to tell me about her BPD blog. Thanks for sharing. Hope you are well! ♥ Debbie
Hi Beauty — thank you very much for your kind feedback. I would love if you linked to this post from your blog. Thank you for sharing it and passing it along! ♥ Debbie
Hi Beauty — thank you very much for your kind feedback. I would love if you linked to this post from your blog. Thank you for sharing it and passing it along! ♥ Debbie
Hi Andrea — you are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time to comment here. ♥ Debbie
After finally being diagnosed with BPD after hospital stays, hurting multiple people, trying med after med and more. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. After reading this letter i feel that i myself wrote most of it. Last week however i still was in the dark and thought i was just depressed. I thought life was hopeless and i would always feel the way i do. But now that i know i have BPD and i know what it means I feel like I will eventually have control over it. Thank you fit writing this letter and for your blog. I'm hoping it will help myself and also my husband out.
After finally being diagnosed with BPD after hospital stays, hurting multiple people, trying med after med and more. I had no idea what the heck it meant to have BPD. I have been reading many different sites and randomly came to your blog tonight. After reading this letter i feel that i myself wrote most of it. Last week however i still was in the dark and thought i was just depressed. I thought life was hopeless and i would always feel the way i do. But now that i know i have BPD and i know what it means I feel like I will eventually have control over it. Thank you fit writing this letter and for your blog. I'm hoping it will help myself and also my husband out.
Hi Sarah and John. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! ♥ Debbie
Hi Sarah and John. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! ♥ Debbie
I am on the edge. There is no one in this area who practices DBT. I've had many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD. But one did…as did my therapist. I was seeing these people through a program that is now over. I hope to afford continuing to see my therapist. I have to also find a doctor. I'm on many meds. I've been blamed by doctors who put me on these meds that I'm on too many…and the last one (after I discussed BPD – he's a complete idiot and asked *me* what the therapy – "DBT" – was called) said to me, "You have a serious personality problem", in response to me answering how I'd been doing. How I did not walk out at that moment is beyond me. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Anyway, other programs in the area (I was without work for awhile) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues. It's seriously messed up. Of course all of this makes me wonder……..maybe i'm just lazy or _____ whatever……….and then some family members think I *want* to be depressed or anxious or whatever (they think the origin was my mother's death, 20 yrs ago, but I was depressed before that and have told them). "Snap out of it". Yeah, I love hating my life and feeling like I've waste most of it and being almost 40 and feeling like a teenager. I LOVE lashing out at my supportive boyfriend (thank GOD he is learning about this). People just don't "believe" in it and long-term mental illnesses. And they can have somthing themselves…and lie to themselves. But at least we're acknowlodging it and it's *&^$%&$& hard!
I don't know what to do anymore. I work from home. I STRUGGLE to focus. My boss surely think I'm a nutcase. I can't believe they still employ me (which reminds me – I'm am Thee master of self-sabatoge)…Every day I am paranoid, anxious, overwhelmed. I NEVER RELAX. I did drink, but it always leads me to dangerous places. Did the self-medicating thing too. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. None.
I have no goals. I have no nearby friends. I think about dying every single day. Not doing anything to make it happen…just wondering why it hasn't. And I know it's because I still have so much to learn. BUT I AM EXHAUSTED. I've been doing gratefulness journals since 2000. I guess I'm not doing that well enough. Shrug. Also, I was a VERY positive person just a few years ago…I was even called a Pollyanna! Then I was abandoned again…we all know about that.
I am a mess. And now with this kind, loving man by my side I feel comfortable…and so he gets the wrath of this chaotic mind.
It was good to find your site. I have found some wonderful resources but they are all for the person affected by the BDP subhuman (heh). I think all the time, but, what DO I DO?! I mean, I know that makes me sound selfish…and I am a lot more than I used to be. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. Now I don't know what I am.
P.S. I don't think I saw mention of co-occuring illnesses in this (but I may have missed it because I have a "reading disorder"…not dyslexia, comphrehension. That's fun too.) Just a thought. I'd use this (edit it of course) if I was getting the help I need. I've had some, don't get me wrong, just nothing that's helped long-term…and now that I *think* bpd hits the nail on the head, it just happens to be this mysterious, new label…and of course no one can see it. It's not a rash or a broken bone. Maybe we should bandage our heads and hearts.
I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. If I continue living how I am, I doubt I'll see the age my mother saw…54.
I am on the edge. There is no one in this area who practices DBT. I've had many pschiatrists and most never mentioned BPD. But one did…as did my therapist. I was seeing these people through a program that is now over. I hope to afford continuing to see my therapist. I have to also find a doctor. I'm on many meds. I've been blamed by doctors who put me on these meds that I'm on too many…and the last one (after I discussed BPD – he's a complete idiot and asked *me* what the therapy – "DBT" – was called) said to me, "You have a serious personality problem", in response to me answering how I'd been doing. How I did not walk out at that moment is beyond me. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Anyway, other programs in the area (I was without work for awhile) want NOTHING to do with mental health issues. It's seriously messed up. Of course all of this makes me wonder……..maybe i'm just lazy or _____ whatever……….and then some family members think I *want* to be depressed or anxious or whatever (they think the origin was my mother's death, 20 yrs ago, but I was depressed before that and have told them). "Snap out of it". Yeah, I love hating my life and feeling like I've waste most of it and being almost 40 and feeling like a teenager. I LOVE lashing out at my supportive boyfriend (thank GOD he is learning about this). People just don't "believe" in it and long-term mental illnesses. And they can have somthing themselves…and lie to themselves. But at least we're acknowlodging it and it's *&^$%&$& hard!
I don't know what to do anymore. I work from home. I STRUGGLE to focus. My boss surely think I'm a nutcase. I can't believe they still employ me (which reminds me – I'm am Thee master of self-sabatoge)…Every day I am paranoid, anxious, overwhelmed. I NEVER RELAX. I did drink, but it always leads me to dangerous places. Did the self-medicating thing too. At this point, "there is no escape" from my mind. None.
I have no goals. I have no nearby friends. I think about dying every single day. Not doing anything to make it happen…just wondering why it hasn't. And I know it's because I still have so much to learn. BUT I AM EXHAUSTED. I've been doing gratefulness journals since 2000. I guess I'm not doing that well enough. Shrug. Also, I was a VERY positive person just a few years ago…I was even called a Pollyanna! Then I was abandoned again…we all know about that.
I am a mess. And now with this kind, loving man by my side I feel comfortable…and so he gets the wrath of this chaotic mind.
It was good to find your site. I have found some wonderful resources but they are all for the person affected by the BDP subhuman (heh). I think all the time, but, what DO I DO?! I mean, I know that makes me sound selfish…and I am a lot more than I used to be. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. Now I don't know what I am.
P.S. I don't think I saw mention of co-occuring illnesses in this (but I may have missed it because I have a "reading disorder"…not dyslexia, comphrehension. That's fun too.) Just a thought. I'd use this (edit it of course) if I was getting the help I need. I've had some, don't get me wrong, just nothing that's helped long-term…and now that I *think* bpd hits the nail on the head, it just happens to be this mysterious, new label…and of course no one can see it. It's not a rash or a broken bone. Maybe we should bandage our heads and hearts.
I scream out (or maybe I don't) and no one knows what the heck I'm talking about. If I continue living how I am, I doubt I'll see the age my mother saw…54.
Also, I am very grateful FOR my boyfriend and your article. Forgot those important facts.
Also, I am very grateful FOR my boyfriend and your article. Forgot those important facts.
So many typos. UGH
So many typos. UGH
Wow is all I can say!!! I read your letter Debbie and most of the post. Great job!!!
I dont know how to start this little note of mine…Sigh….. The letter and all the post did help me a little tonight tho. Smiles
Well here goes…. My wife tried to take her life 16 days ago. This time she almost did it. It was a touch and go for 3 days. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. Our 25 year old daughter tried to kill her self last night also. So here I sit feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost. I have a wife and a Daughter who both have BPD wanting to die and both are in Psych Wards. I love them so much but I am so lost. I have done everything that I know to do for the past 28 years. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. This time tho I just dont know if I can walk in all the pain any longer. I am so torn. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? They both feed off each other. Today I turned 47 and I feel like I am 77. My wife says she is learning a lot but she is still barking orders and yelling and telling me I am not doing things right on her behalf. OMG……. Well I better get off this pitty potty……My Daughter just called and she is Barking also. Wow does this roller coaster ever end??? Enough said. Take care all…Tim
Wow is all I can say!!! I read your letter Debbie and most of the post. Great job!!!
I dont know how to start this little note of mine…Sigh….. The letter and all the post did help me a little tonight tho. Smiles
Well here goes…. My wife tried to take her life 16 days ago. This time she almost did it. It was a touch and go for 3 days. Tonight tho as she is in the psych ward I feel as tho my world is crashing down around me. Our 25 year old daughter tried to kill her self last night also. So here I sit feeling sorry for my self and a whole lot lost. I have a wife and a Daughter who both have BPD wanting to die and both are in Psych Wards. I love them so much but I am so lost. I have done everything that I know to do for the past 28 years. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. This time tho I just dont know if I can walk in all the pain any longer. I am so torn. I just want to Scream at the both of them saying how the hell can you both do this!!!!???? They both feed off each other. Today I turned 47 and I feel like I am 77. My wife says she is learning a lot but she is still barking orders and yelling and telling me I am not doing things right on her behalf. OMG……. Well I better get off this pitty potty……My Daughter just called and she is Barking also. Wow does this roller coaster ever end??? Enough said. Take care all…Tim
Other have said it, but I need to add my voice … Thank you for writing this.
Other have said it, but I need to add my voice … Thank you for writing this.
Thank you very much for your perspective. The more I read about BPD, the more I have a hunch that the girl I'm in an LDR with has been living with this or at least a similar pattern dissociation. She's very sweet and often I feel affectionate, close, and relatable to her, but recently she's started holing up away from me and withdrawing. She told me about the family events she's been dealing with lately and we talked a bit through some of those, as well as a source of panic she doesn't seem ready to talk about.. I haven't heard from her privately for weeks since. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. It's a commitment, but I fully intend to be there for her and listen and work through it when she's ready.
Thank you very much for your perspective. The more I read about BPD, the more I have a hunch that the girl I'm in an LDR with has been living with this or at least a similar pattern dissociation. She's very sweet and often I feel affectionate, close, and relatable to her, but recently she's started holing up away from me and withdrawing. She told me about the family events she's been dealing with lately and we talked a bit through some of those, as well as a source of panic she doesn't seem ready to talk about.. I haven't heard from her privately for weeks since. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. It's a commitment, but I fully intend to be there for her and listen and work through it when she's ready.
Hi Debbie, I certainly appreciate your open letter. My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. I was left out of the loop as to her condition and was very depressed. She called asking for me to send her some clothes and stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP. After a few weeks there she came down with a respiratory illness and asked to come back home. So for the next two months she drove an hour each way to attend IOP. I thought we would be okay, but then something I did angered her. She stopped answering my calls when I wanted to know if she would be home for dinner and made excuses to avoid me, staying out until 10 or 11 pm and leaving at 7am each morning. Then she tells me she found an apartment and began moving every possible evidence that she ever lived here out of our home. She has a 12 month lease but says she may come back sooner if go into rehab for her ( I am working on my issues with a therapist). She is also using emotional blackmail, saying if I divorce her it would kill her. While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. She emailed me later saying that it was passive aggressive behavior and that she "gets it" – I am the one who ended it. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. But she arrived the next day with a police office to remove, most, but not all of her remaining stuff. That evening I spoke to a LCSW who was able to confirm that all her actions (plus a prior divorce, SI, estrangement from her children, abusive father and ex-boyfriends, etc.) clearly point to BPD. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. No one from the hospital has ever contacted me about her condition or treatment plan, I have been left totally in the dark and out of her recovery. Now she has totally disappeared from my life after just two years of marriage. She has left several times before, but this time I don't see a reunion. I truly love her, but this is getting old real fast. I have spent a lot of money and resources to help her in every way, only to be treated like trash. I feel forsaken by both her and the hospital that is supposed to be helping her, but has instead ruined our marriage. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. Thank you.
Hi Debbie, I certainly appreciate your open letter. My wife, whom I believe has undiagnosed BPD, was hospitalized in February for SI. She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. I was left out of the loop as to her condition and was very depressed. She called asking for me to send her some clothes and stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP. After a few weeks there she came down with a respiratory illness and asked to come back home. So for the next two months she drove an hour each way to attend IOP. I thought we would be okay, but then something I did angered her. She stopped answering my calls when I wanted to know if she would be home for dinner and made excuses to avoid me, staying out until 10 or 11 pm and leaving at 7am each morning. Then she tells me she found an apartment and began moving every possible evidence that she ever lived here out of our home. She has a 12 month lease but says she may come back sooner if go into rehab for her ( I am working on my issues with a therapist). She is also using emotional blackmail, saying if I divorce her it would kill her. While she was packing one day I played some Mavericks, southwestern country music I thought she would enjoy because that's where she is from. She emailed me later saying that it was passive aggressive behavior and that she "gets it" – I am the one who ended it. I tried to cheer her up and I thought we ended the evening on amiable terms. But she arrived the next day with a police office to remove, most, but not all of her remaining stuff. That evening I spoke to a LCSW who was able to confirm that all her actions (plus a prior divorce, SI, estrangement from her children, abusive father and ex-boyfriends, etc.) clearly point to BPD. My wife said that now that IOP has ended she is taking one PTSD class a week. No one from the hospital has ever contacted me about her condition or treatment plan, I have been left totally in the dark and out of her recovery. Now she has totally disappeared from my life after just two years of marriage. She has left several times before, but this time I don't see a reunion. I truly love her, but this is getting old real fast. I have spent a lot of money and resources to help her in every way, only to be treated like trash. I feel forsaken by both her and the hospital that is supposed to be helping her, but has instead ruined our marriage. Now that I know she has BPD, it is too late for me to do anything more to help her. Thank you.
Thank you.
I have suffered with BPD since I was 11, I didn't get help until I was 34.
You have said all the things I've always wanted to say to the people who are or who have been in my life.
Thank you.
I have suffered with BPD since I was 11, I didn't get help until I was 34.
You have said all the things I've always wanted to say to the people who are or who have been in my life.
Why is it that my therapists tell me that BPD is a useless diagnosis that doesn't do anyone any good, yet I fall into nearly every criteria for the disorder and have since I was a teenager? I'm now 54.
Why is it that my therapists tell me that BPD is a useless diagnosis that doesn't do anyone any good, yet I fall into nearly every criteria for the disorder and have since I was a teenager? I'm now 54.
Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. I knew I had been depressed earlier but nothing major to me. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at work…scared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. It was so overwhelming that is when they diagnosed me with severe depression and panic disorder after taking a long test and seeing several drs. I was diagnosed with BPD.. I had alter egos and they were the fun ones but I was not me anymore. They tried me on several meds and hospitalized me when I started burning myself (unknown why) never did that before….but I remember being so angry and did not know why or when it would end. I now am 49 and still have anger issues with myself but no selfharming. I handle things differently thru all the therapy and med changes…I still wish it to go away..since now have Bipolar tendencies and PTSD… isn't this all pretty much the same stuff and the rollercoaster is ongoing? I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. Why is BPD hard to diagnose and really not curable? I am LOST!
Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. I knew I had been depressed earlier but nothing major to me. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at work…scared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. It was so overwhelming that is when they diagnosed me with severe depression and panic disorder after taking a long test and seeing several drs. I was diagnosed with BPD.. I had alter egos and they were the fun ones but I was not me anymore. They tried me on several meds and hospitalized me when I started burning myself (unknown why) never did that before….but I remember being so angry and did not know why or when it would end. I now am 49 and still have anger issues with myself but no selfharming. I handle things differently thru all the therapy and med changes…I still wish it to go away..since now have Bipolar tendencies and PTSD… isn't this all pretty much the same stuff and the rollercoaster is ongoing? I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. Why is BPD hard to diagnose and really not curable? I am LOST!
My fiance has BPD. When he is having his episodes he verbally attacks me. I would try to calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I won't give up on him. He will say that he knows that I love him but he isn't sure if he loves me and that he might be the one who'll give up. This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. After a few hours he will then realize the hurt he caused me and then he'd apologize.
He is aware of his disorder and I saw him fought many times. He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. My heart breaks each time. He pushes me away but I can hear his cry for help. He is desperate I know. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. He doesn't even understand why he is holding back from me.
Many times I wanted to give up but he is crying out loud inside that I cannot afford to leave him like that. I do love him and I am asking the Lord to help me help him.
My fiance has BPD. When he is having his episodes he verbally attacks me. I would try to calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I won't give up on him. He will say that he knows that I love him but he isn't sure if he loves me and that he might be the one who'll give up. This is coming from the mouth of the same guy who proposed to me last year. After a few hours he will then realize the hurt he caused me and then he'd apologize.
He is aware of his disorder and I saw him fought many times. He wanted to change so bad I can see the frustration in his eyes each time he hurt people with his words. My heart breaks each time. He pushes me away but I can hear his cry for help. He is desperate I know. He said many times that he wanted to show me love and treat me right but he thinks that his selfishness and pride are preventing him to do so. He doesn't even understand why he is holding back from me.
Many times I wanted to give up but he is crying out loud inside that I cannot afford to leave him like that. I do love him and I am asking the Lord to help me help him.
I have BPD but don't currently have any medical insurance to be treated. Any suggestions? My email is kristenwoods81@aol.con
I have BPD but don't currently have any medical insurance to be treated. Any suggestions? My email is kristenwoods81@aol.con
My ex has BDP. He left me nearly 4 weeks ago.It's over now. I'd probably try again if he asked me, but I know he won't. I am co-dependent, which I regard as simply the other side of the coin. I have had to go No Contact because when I do contact him, my addiction to him leaves me suicidal with depression. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. I know all the theory now. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I feel understanding. It's all chaos. I wish to God it would stop. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. I believe we could work at our enmeshment together and make this work. But he has so little insight. He told me about the diagnosis of PD but we never discussed it. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. Perhaps he still loves me and he still wants to try (I think he's been having a breakdown anyway, due to his father being very ill and the chance he'll be homeless when his dad dies). Maybe he'll come back to me. But I know this is fantasy. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. But I want him back. I can't help it. And he isn't coming back and it hurts.
My ex has BDP. He left me nearly 4 weeks ago.It's over now. I'd probably try again if he asked me, but I know he won't. I am co-dependent, which I regard as simply the other side of the coin. I have had to go No Contact because when I do contact him, my addiction to him leaves me suicidal with depression. If BDP people are triggered into the abyss of misery, then so are we. I know all the theory now. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I feel understanding. It's all chaos. I wish to God it would stop. This blog is a torment to me because it makes me think he could change. I believe we could work at our enmeshment together and make this work. But he has so little insight. He told me about the diagnosis of PD but we never discussed it. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. Perhaps he still loves me and he still wants to try (I think he's been having a breakdown anyway, due to his father being very ill and the chance he'll be homeless when his dad dies). Maybe he'll come back to me. But I know this is fantasy. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. But I want him back. I can't help it. And he isn't coming back and it hurts.
I came across this link on tumblr while browsing and I felt compelled to respond from the perspective of the BPD's child. Honestly, I don't think this letter is helpful, or should have been addressed to the children of BPD's for a few reasons.
This open letter does an amazing job of outlining some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. And explains how the "non-BPD" can support and understand those who are suffering from the disorder.
However, it's my belief that the letter does little to help the children of borderlines. A lover, a friend, a parent or sibling, and a coworker all have the privilege of having a frame of reference to place the borderline in. They see the behavior as maladaptive, as troubled, as abnormal. They have the ability to support the BPD. For the children of a borderline, however, this is their reality. They are conditioned to see the behavior as normal and often times they are terrorized by the behavior.
Children are malleable, they are clay being shaped by their parents and by their experiences. So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. Unfortunately, many kids of BPD's become BPD themselves because they learn the thought patterns, behaviors, and unstable feelings as a normal way to be.
Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. Having empathy, or an understanding of BPD, does very little in terms of helping someone heal from, or protect themselves from, this abuse. Any therapist helping a child of a borderline to recover will recommend that they protect themselves from the abuse and their abuser. Ultimately, the borderline creates their biggest fear. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter).
My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. My father had the ability, life experience, and the perspective needed to know this blame was unfounded. My perception as a child was that I was, in fact, the cause of her turmoil. Which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships.
This open letter can be extremely helpful to people who love someone diagnosed with BPD. However, it isn't helpful for their children in the same way. The relationship is different, the experiences are different, and the harm caused is different. An open letter to the children of a BPD parent should simply say…
"I am so very sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for blaming you. I am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality. I am sorry you were scared. I am sorry you didn't feel loved. I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood. I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. I am sorry I didn't get help. I am sorry I was selfish. I am sorry you didn't have a choice."
I came across this link on tumblr while browsing and I felt compelled to respond from the perspective of the BPD's child. Honestly, I don't think this letter is helpful, or should have been addressed to the children of BPD's for a few reasons.
This open letter does an amazing job of outlining some of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. And explains how the "non-BPD" can support and understand those who are suffering from the disorder.
However, it's my belief that the letter does little to help the children of borderlines. A lover, a friend, a parent or sibling, and a coworker all have the privilege of having a frame of reference to place the borderline in. They see the behavior as maladaptive, as troubled, as abnormal. They have the ability to support the BPD. For the children of a borderline, however, this is their reality. They are conditioned to see the behavior as normal and often times they are terrorized by the behavior.
Children are malleable, they are clay being shaped by their parents and by their experiences. So when a parent exhibits BPD symptoms, and the child becomes the target of these behaviors, it impacts who they are and who they will become. Unfortunately, many kids of BPD's become BPD themselves because they learn the thought patterns, behaviors, and unstable feelings as a normal way to be.
Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. Having empathy, or an understanding of BPD, does very little in terms of helping someone heal from, or protect themselves from, this abuse. Any therapist helping a child of a borderline to recover will recommend that they protect themselves from the abuse and their abuser. Ultimately, the borderline creates their biggest fear. But what the BPD sees as abandonment, we see as self care (which ironically is one of the suggestions handed down in this open letter).
My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. My father had the ability, life experience, and the perspective needed to know this blame was unfounded. My perception as a child was that I was, in fact, the cause of her turmoil. Which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships.
This open letter can be extremely helpful to people who love someone diagnosed with BPD. However, it isn't helpful for their children in the same way. The relationship is different, the experiences are different, and the harm caused is different. An open letter to the children of a BPD parent should simply say…
"I am so very sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for blaming you. I am sorry for giving you a false perception of reality. I am sorry you were scared. I am sorry you didn't feel loved. I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood. I am sorry you had to grow up too soon. I am sorry I didn't get help. I am sorry I was selfish. I am sorry you didn't have a choice."
As an adult who is trying to work past the damage that was done growing up with a BPD mother reading the last part of your response made me cry. You're absolutely right that small paragraph is all that any mother with BPD who has damaged her children not only should say but it's the only thing she has any right to say. Thank you
As an adult who is trying to work past the damage that was done growing up with a BPD mother reading the last part of your response made me cry. You're absolutely right that small paragraph is all that any mother with BPD who has damaged her children not only should say but it's the only thing she has any right to say. Thank you
I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. I love her but ive been told coz of bpd I have an inability to love, is that true, that I just dilude myself that she was the one?
I keep reading things about how we cant love and that people should stay well clear of us, thankyou for writing this, my ex split with me, a week ago nd ive signed over my house coz she has nowhere to go, she jus thinks im trying to get back with her and has been told to cut all ties coz I will make her life hell, just feel so alone. I love her but ive been told coz of bpd I have an inability to love, is that true, that I just dilude myself that she was the one?
I wish my girlfriend had been able to do what you have done, she fought for me for a long time, but it just became to much for her. Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. My voice of reason.
I wish my girlfriend had been able to do what you have done, she fought for me for a long time, but it just became to much for her. Don't think we will ever get back now, gotta give it to her though, she was the only one who understood me. My voice of reason.
Dear people, I have a professional translation of the letter in Dutch. I would be very pleased to share it with you. Maybe Debbie wants to add the Ducht version at her list of translations on her website? I would be pleased to sent it to you.
If you want a copy email me: dutch.christine@gmail.com.
I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine
Dear people, I have a professional translation of the letter in Dutch. I would be very pleased to share it with you. Maybe Debbie wants to add the Ducht version at her list of translations on her website? I would be pleased to sent it to you.
If you want a copy email me: dutch.christine@gmail.com.
I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine
This comment has been removed by the author.
This comment has been removed by the author.
This letter really hits hard. i was wondering if you could answer something for me though. Those 9 criteria and what this letter describes is sadly what i think it is like for someone to live with me. But you say it is possible to recover to heal have hope and a normal life. From someone that has been through it it means a lot.
My question though is that, yes i have a diagnosis and relate to so much of what you say here, but the diagnosis and 9 criteria is just a list of a way someone is. Everyone is that way for different reasons so how do you know if you deserve for example to write a letter like this to give people around you so they can "understand" and not feel so bad about the whole situation. Or if you don't deserve that because there is nothing for them to "understand" because i have no real excuse for being this weak pathetic crazy annoying and hurtful person?
Maybe there is hope or support out there but i can't figure out how to know who deserves it and who doesnt and if i try think about it i just panic and get nowhere, make things worse, so i was wondering what your thoughts are as this is obviously a subject you have much experience with. And for all those who DO deserve to be helped, be allowed to heal, and their loved ones who deserve to be supported, thank you for sharing this letter that might help them all live better together and individually.
Aww *hugs* what an insightful post! I know someone with BPD and reading the blogs of people who have BPD and are writing their inner thoughts help me to understand what is going through the mind of someone who has BPD. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. I think these blogs are more educational than a generic medical article about BPD.
Aww *hugs* what an insightful post! I know someone with BPD and reading the blogs of people who have BPD and are writing their inner thoughts help me to understand what is going through the mind of someone who has BPD. Reading also helps me manage my own destructive thoughts and feelings. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out, we are all troubled in some way. I think these blogs are more educational than a generic medical article about BPD.
This was very well thought out and appreciated. I suspect that my ex-wife is BPD, but I am at a loss to deal with it because she is completely unaware. We were married for 12 years and the relationship was defined by me reassuring her that she was good enough, while she would constantly go through massive unpredictable mood swings. Now that we are divorced with a shared custody agreement for our son, she has become impossible to deal with. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. Initially I thought we just fell out of love and she was unable to deal with that reality (like maybe she needed a larger reason like alcoholism or abuse rather than just drifting apart). However, looking back, all the signs were there, but I just didn't see them. I think it's easy to ignore these symptoms because unless the BPD is totally irrational, the symptoms can be blown off as just overly emotional or a hard to deal with personality. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. She is educated and successful, and to all the other people in her life, except for close family, she seems confident and put together. I suspect that if she were to sit across from a psychologist she would be able to fool them, but I am about to test that.
In the interest of our child, I have put him into therapy. Part of that process is for the parents to submit to therapy as well. In order to make this happen, I had to force my ex to go by order of the family doctor. It's sad that I would have to use our son as an instrument to get my wife in front of a mental health professional, but it is the only way I can see him being protected from the long term effects of this mental illness. I hope that my ex gets better. I hope we can be friends in time and partners in raising our son. I know that my new wife and family would appreciate it as well.
This was very well thought out and appreciated. I suspect that my ex-wife is BPD, but I am at a loss to deal with it because she is completely unaware. We were married for 12 years and the relationship was defined by me reassuring her that she was good enough, while she would constantly go through massive unpredictable mood swings. Now that we are divorced with a shared custody agreement for our son, she has become impossible to deal with. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. Initially I thought we just fell out of love and she was unable to deal with that reality (like maybe she needed a larger reason like alcoholism or abuse rather than just drifting apart). However, looking back, all the signs were there, but I just didn't see them. I think it's easy to ignore these symptoms because unless the BPD is totally irrational, the symptoms can be blown off as just overly emotional or a hard to deal with personality. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. She is educated and successful, and to all the other people in her life, except for close family, she seems confident and put together. I suspect that if she were to sit across from a psychologist she would be able to fool them, but I am about to test that.
In the interest of our child, I have put him into therapy. Part of that process is for the parents to submit to therapy as well. In order to make this happen, I had to force my ex to go by order of the family doctor. It's sad that I would have to use our son as an instrument to get my wife in front of a mental health professional, but it is the only way I can see him being protected from the long term effects of this mental illness. I hope that my ex gets better. I hope we can be friends in time and partners in raising our son. I know that my new wife and family would appreciate it as well.
My friend is having a sense of impending doom. She is restarting DBT group in a few weeks. She has told me when she gets this sense of impending doom in the past is when she ends up in the hospital, which she has made it over a year with out being hospitalized. She also has recently gotten more busy and a tighter finical situation. In the past when she gets to busy she ends up in the hospital. I am wondering what to do to help her. I myself work in the mental health field and see her mental health declining.
My friend is having a sense of impending doom. She is restarting DBT group in a few weeks. She has told me when she gets this sense of impending doom in the past is when she ends up in the hospital, which she has made it over a year with out being hospitalized. She also has recently gotten more busy and a tighter finical situation. In the past when she gets to busy she ends up in the hospital. I am wondering what to do to help her. I myself work in the mental health field and see her mental health declining.
Dave M – everything that you wrote is what I'm going through at the moment. After the latest episode she tells me that I have to earn back her trust. I am the same as you. I am generally very good at keeping my head, but every now and then I can behave a bit more extremely, and those are the worst incidents.
We're currently in the middle of another episode as I write this. I have emotionally detached myself quite well this time I think. Doing a lot of reading – keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. This is very hard!! It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things.
The hardest thing about tonight's episode is that I don't know how long it will take for her to recover. The last incident was only a week ago and it took two days and me apologising in the end in order to solve the problem. I shouldn't have apologised, and this time I won't. But I fear that she will never forgive me if I maintain I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. So hard sometimes…
Dave M – everything that you wrote is what I'm going through at the moment. After the latest episode she tells me that I have to earn back her trust. I am the same as you. I am generally very good at keeping my head, but every now and then I can behave a bit more extremely, and those are the worst incidents.
We're currently in the middle of another episode as I write this. I have emotionally detached myself quite well this time I think. Doing a lot of reading – keep reading things like don't get bogged down on the details, focus on her emotions, don't get defensive. This is very hard!! It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things.
The hardest thing about tonight's episode is that I don't know how long it will take for her to recover. The last incident was only a week ago and it took two days and me apologising in the end in order to solve the problem. I shouldn't have apologised, and this time I won't. But I fear that she will never forgive me if I maintain I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. So hard sometimes…
This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. Thanks for the letter just helps a little with the clouser that is impossible to get. All we can do is pray at this point.
This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. I am a non that just recently gave up after 4 years of chaos. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. I have lost my best friend and the love of my life to untreated bpd and have been in agony while she instantly moved on. Thanks for the letter just helps a little with the clouser that is impossible to get. All we can do is pray at this point.
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Debbie…thank you, for having the courage to write and advise about BPD, that I knew nothing of until my daughter of 27 was diagnosed 7 months ago. She attends a DBT Centre twice a week. This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer. I am having to learn what triggers, when she splits… I have currently moved out of my home where she and her boyfriend live, as she had a major melt a month ago. It's a long road we all will travel. I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. Thank you so much for your honesty and strength.
Debbie…thank you, for having the courage to write and advise about BPD, that I knew nothing of until my daughter of 27 was diagnosed 7 months ago. She attends a DBT Centre twice a week. This insidious illness is as we know is the relationship killer. I am having to learn what triggers, when she splits… I have currently moved out of my home where she and her boyfriend live, as she had a major melt a month ago. It's a long road we all will travel. I can only hope with every breath in my body that she can be 'cured' and live a normal and happy life. Thank you so much for your honesty and strength.
You've been peeking in our windows. Try to deny it. Just try.
Won't work. I refuse to believe it.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. I'd at least come to an understanding of what it is, how it works, what it does before she did.
After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.
Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.
How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.
Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.
And I have all too many of my own moments.
Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.
And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help.
Thank you so much for sharing.
You have so many people you need to reach.
If only I could help in some way….
Harris
You've been peeking in our windows. Try to deny it. Just try.
Won't work. I refuse to believe it.
My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. I'd at least come to an understanding of what it is, how it works, what it does before she did.
After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.
Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.
How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.
Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.
And I have all too many of my own moments.
Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.
And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help.
Thank you so much for sharing.
You have so many people you need to reach.
If only I could help in some way….
Harris
As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me….how very helpful! Thank you for the hope you have given us….and putting it in terms we can understand.
As I read your open letter, I tried to imagine my daughter saying this to me….how very helpful! Thank you for the hope you have given us….and putting it in terms we can understand.
I wish I knew more about BPD before my wife left..I miss her…wish I could have done more.
My BPD finance left me VERY suddenly, moved out while I was away, blocked me from phone contact, email contact, unfriended me on FB and other social media, sucessfully compelled her family and friends to do the same and even had a lawyer friend threaten me with a restraining order for calling her from a hotel phone twice!
I had an outstanding relationship with her with much in common and few if any disagreements to the extent that I am totally convinced that she was 'the one' for me (I'm a 48 year old man that has been around the block enough to be a good judge of this) and am not entirely prepared to give up on her.
I wish I knew if there was some real possibility to salvage our relationship or even that we will talk again. What is a BPD such as she expecting from me?
My BPD finance left me VERY suddenly, moved out while I was away, blocked me from phone contact, email contact, unfriended me on FB and other social media, sucessfully compelled her family and friends to do the same and even had a lawyer friend threaten me with a restraining order for calling her from a hotel phone twice!
I had an outstanding relationship with her with much in common and few if any disagreements to the extent that I am totally convinced that she was 'the one' for me (I'm a 48 year old man that has been around the block enough to be a good judge of this) and am not entirely prepared to give up on her.
I wish I knew if there was some real possibility to salvage our relationship or even that we will talk again. What is a BPD such as she expecting from me?
I am a 39yr old female who recently got diagnosed with BPD. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. I am grateful for this letter. It is very well written and to the point. I have ruined many relationships due to my inability to manage my symptoms. I may have recently ruined a great bond I had built with a great man. I am going to send him this link and I hope he reads it and it helps him to understand that I'm not a monster but instead struggling with a disorder. Thanks again.
I am a 39yr old female who recently got diagnosed with BPD. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. I am grateful for this letter. It is very well written and to the point. I have ruined many relationships due to my inability to manage my symptoms. I may have recently ruined a great bond I had built with a great man. I am going to send him this link and I hope he reads it and it helps him to understand that I'm not a monster but instead struggling with a disorder. Thanks again.
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Hi there, I am now in my 2nd month of treatment for BPD, and ,sadly, had all nine of the symptoms. This letter really helped me in explaining my condition to all those around me. My late father could've been suffering from BPD without knowing it till the day he died, he was a dream dad at times and abusive at times. Ironically, he was a doctor, a darn good one too if I might add.
Now, having three daughters, I am struggling to find a way to explain to my girls that I love them despite the way I acted, and in dillema whether it's best to live apart from them for their sake since my BPD might influence their mental growth, and miss them or stay and make matters worse. This letter might help on the explaining part, but the latter…?