Oops! I did it again… Impulsiveness and Regret in BPD
Today I lacked some judgment. Because things have been going well at work, and I received accolades from my boss publicly in two meetings this past week, I had this brilliant idea that it might be a good time to ask for a raise. It wasn’t.
If only I had done due diligence rather than respond to a very intense urge to act impulsively by asking today instead of thinking it through, I would not have been left with the feelings of regret and embarrassment. I wouldn’t have a troubling scenario to now torture myself with over and over again.
Up until today, I had been doing really well with impulse control. For example, for a while there, I would emotionally respond to emails right away, often regretting what I had written just moments later — but it would be too late. I would cause myself so much unnecessary distress and anxiety because I didn’t think things through until after the fact.
I’ve been practicing mindfulness around emails, including putting a space (time) between my initial reaction and actually responding to the other person. My goal has been to move away from always needing to be seen as right and competent to simply being effective. For me, being effective means I get my point across in a professional manner that I don’t end up regretting.
It was difficult at first, as it is with any impulsive behavior. I knew it would take practice, and with time, I have come to the point where I no longer respond immediately and emotionally to emails. In fact, this practice has extended to other areas of my life when I feel an impulsive urge to do something potentially self-sabotaging or damaging.
That’s why I’m not entirely sure why today I decided to ask my boss for a raise. What was I thinking? I didn’t take the time to look at the financial health of the company, and in reality, everyone is working pretty hard to maintain their jobs in this economy. I certainly did not deserve one any more than the next guy.
When I didn’t get a “yes” answer, I immediately felt embarrassed, ashamed, and regretful. My boss reassured me that I did nothing wrong, joked with me, and simply explained that it wasn’t a good time for the company and that no one would be getting a raise at this time.
I have no reasonable explanation as to why I asked at this point other than that the desire to ask swelled up in me like an insatiable urge. I needed an answer. Even though I knew in my gut that I probably shouldn’t have asked and anticipated that I would probably regret it (two red flags that have successfully helped me guide myself to my DBT skills on many a recent occasion), I still followed through on the urge.
I have been feeling emotionally vulnerable for the past couple of days – very heightened and emotionally sensitive, as many people with Borderline Personality Disorder can understand.
Perhaps practicing some distress tolerance and mindfulness skills would have helped to intercept my actions, but I cannot continue to beat myself up over it and be consumed with regret. At some point, when we do something counterproductive and we regret it, we must radically accept that it is what it is and hopefully learn our lessons for the next time we are faced with a similar situation. This is what I have chosen to do.
Do you have a habit of acting impulsively, even when you get a hunch that you might later regret your actions? What coping skills have helped you to avoid such behavior?
https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/healing-from-bpd-300x225-1.png00Debbie (author)https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/healing-from-bpd-300x225-1.pngDebbie (author)2012-07-13 03:07:002012-07-13 03:07:00Oops! I did it again… Impulsiveness and Regret in BPD
I have been trying really hard lately to control the part of me that likes to act impulsively. I am taking the stop and think approach. Or Observe and Describe. I am thinking about my actions and what is the most effective thing to do. For example i have a neighbour and i don't know who it is, i am only assuming i know who it is…they have a very large truck, so large that it is blocking my view when turning in and out of my driveway. So much so that it is very dangerous. Now normally i would go to the neighbours house and try to get my point accross. If i was met with a welcoming and understanding response i would probably feel ok. However, in my life i usually find it is always the other way around. I usually end up getting very upset and screaming, swearing and then crying. Of course afterwards i feel embarassment, regret, shame and obsess over the incident. So knowing all of this i decided to ring the local Council and ask if it's something their traffic department could deal with. They told me yes and they sent someone out to make them move it. They have continued to park the truck there blocking my view. So everytime it's there i am calling the Council. Last week i made 2 calls in one day, they said the owner would now receive a fine of $300. I am hoping this has gotten through to them now as they haven't parked there since. In any event i have avoided all the bad feelings by doing what was best for me and everyone involved. Sorry for the long message. I am so glad to know that this is a process. And reading your example made me want to share mine. Thanks Debbie:)
I have been trying really hard lately to control the part of me that likes to act impulsively. I am taking the stop and think approach. Or Observe and Describe. I am thinking about my actions and what is the most effective thing to do. For example i have a neighbour and i don't know who it is, i am only assuming i know who it is…they have a very large truck, so large that it is blocking my view when turning in and out of my driveway. So much so that it is very dangerous. Now normally i would go to the neighbours house and try to get my point accross. If i was met with a welcoming and understanding response i would probably feel ok. However, in my life i usually find it is always the other way around. I usually end up getting very upset and screaming, swearing and then crying. Of course afterwards i feel embarassment, regret, shame and obsess over the incident. So knowing all of this i decided to ring the local Council and ask if it's something their traffic department could deal with. They told me yes and they sent someone out to make them move it. They have continued to park the truck there blocking my view. So everytime it's there i am calling the Council. Last week i made 2 calls in one day, they said the owner would now receive a fine of $300. I am hoping this has gotten through to them now as they haven't parked there since. In any event i have avoided all the bad feelings by doing what was best for me and everyone involved. Sorry for the long message. I am so glad to know that this is a process. And reading your example made me want to share mine. Thanks Debbie:)
I wish I had the skills to stop impulsive behaviour. I've dabbled with DBT but it doesn't really feel right for me – I hate the language, and I just don't get it. My boss, who I have trusted for 4 years, this week announced that he has been in contact with our HR department to put in place a plan to help manage my unacceptable behaviour. I feel so ashamed, so betrayed – he has shared my diagnosis with several people without my permission. I can't imagine ever going back into the office, it just hurts too much.
I wish I had the skills to stop impulsive behaviour. I've dabbled with DBT but it doesn't really feel right for me – I hate the language, and I just don't get it. My boss, who I have trusted for 4 years, this week announced that he has been in contact with our HR department to put in place a plan to help manage my unacceptable behaviour. I feel so ashamed, so betrayed – he has shared my diagnosis with several people without my permission. I can't imagine ever going back into the office, it just hurts too much.
Leeanne I am over 50 and its hard I no longer self harm or dissociate but I think that makes things worse because I now feel the pain and emotions I fine my life much easier to isolate myself so I don't affect or afend friends I have a huge amount of people who love me but I do not believe them when they to say nice things about me I think I would rather just curl up and die I live in australia
Leeanne I am over 50 and its hard I no longer self harm or dissociate but I think that makes things worse because I now feel the pain and emotions I fine my life much easier to isolate myself so I don't affect or afend friends I have a huge amount of people who love me but I do not believe them when they to say nice things about me I think I would rather just curl up and die I live in australia
No therapy is "one size fits all," so I am glad that you know what doesn't work. Now you can keep on your journey of finding something that does. How awful for you that your boss disclosed your diagnosis without your permission. Have you talked to human resources?
No therapy is "one size fits all," so I am glad that you know what doesn't work. Now you can keep on your journey of finding something that does. How awful for you that your boss disclosed your diagnosis without your permission. Have you talked to human resources?
This site uses cookies to give you the best, most relevant experience. Using this website means you're okay with this. For more information, visit our Terms of Service & Privacy Policy page.
We may request cookies to be set on your device. We use cookies to let us know when you visit our websites, how you interact with us, to enrich your user experience, and to customize your relationship with our website.
Click on the different category headings to find out more. You can also change some of your preferences. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer.
Essential Website Cookies
These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features.
Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, refusing them will have impact how our site functions. You always can block or delete cookies by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website. But this will always prompt you to accept/refuse cookies when revisiting our site.
We fully respect if you want to refuse cookies but to avoid asking you again and again kindly allow us to store a cookie for that. You are free to opt out any time or opt in for other cookies to get a better experience. If you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in our domain.
We provide you with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored. Due to security reasons we are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains. You can check these in your browser security settings.
Google Analytics Cookies
These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience.
If you do not want that we track your visit to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here:
Other external services
We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. Changes will take effect once you reload the page.
Google Webfont Settings:
Google Map Settings:
Google reCaptcha Settings:
Vimeo and Youtube video embeds:
Other cookies
The following cookies are also needed - You can choose if you want to allow them:
Privacy Policy
You can read about our cookies and privacy settings in detail on our Privacy Policy Page.
I have been trying really hard lately to control the part of me that likes to act impulsively. I am taking the stop and think approach. Or Observe and Describe. I am thinking about my actions and what is the most effective thing to do.
For example i have a neighbour and i don't know who it is, i am only assuming i know who it is…they have a very large truck, so large that it is blocking my view when turning in and out of my driveway. So much so that it is very dangerous.
Now normally i would go to the neighbours house and try to get my point accross. If i was met with a welcoming and understanding response i would probably feel ok. However, in my life i usually find it is always the other way around. I usually end up getting very upset and screaming, swearing and then crying.
Of course afterwards i feel embarassment, regret, shame and obsess over the incident.
So knowing all of this i decided to ring the local Council and ask if it's something their traffic department could deal with. They told me yes and they sent someone out to make them move it.
They have continued to park the truck there blocking my view. So everytime it's there i am calling the Council. Last week i made 2 calls in one day, they said the owner would now receive a fine of $300. I am hoping this has gotten through to them now as they haven't parked there since.
In any event i have avoided all the bad feelings by doing what was best for me and everyone involved.
Sorry for the long message. I am so glad to know that this is a process. And reading your example made me want to share mine. Thanks Debbie:)
I have been trying really hard lately to control the part of me that likes to act impulsively. I am taking the stop and think approach. Or Observe and Describe. I am thinking about my actions and what is the most effective thing to do.
For example i have a neighbour and i don't know who it is, i am only assuming i know who it is…they have a very large truck, so large that it is blocking my view when turning in and out of my driveway. So much so that it is very dangerous.
Now normally i would go to the neighbours house and try to get my point accross. If i was met with a welcoming and understanding response i would probably feel ok. However, in my life i usually find it is always the other way around. I usually end up getting very upset and screaming, swearing and then crying.
Of course afterwards i feel embarassment, regret, shame and obsess over the incident.
So knowing all of this i decided to ring the local Council and ask if it's something their traffic department could deal with. They told me yes and they sent someone out to make them move it.
They have continued to park the truck there blocking my view. So everytime it's there i am calling the Council. Last week i made 2 calls in one day, they said the owner would now receive a fine of $300. I am hoping this has gotten through to them now as they haven't parked there since.
In any event i have avoided all the bad feelings by doing what was best for me and everyone involved.
Sorry for the long message. I am so glad to know that this is a process. And reading your example made me want to share mine. Thanks Debbie:)
I wish I had the skills to stop impulsive behaviour. I've dabbled with DBT but it doesn't really feel right for me – I hate the language, and I just don't get it. My boss, who I have trusted for 4 years, this week announced that he has been in contact with our HR department to put in place a plan to help manage my unacceptable behaviour. I feel so ashamed, so betrayed – he has shared my diagnosis with several people without my permission. I can't imagine ever going back into the office, it just hurts too much.
I wish I had the skills to stop impulsive behaviour. I've dabbled with DBT but it doesn't really feel right for me – I hate the language, and I just don't get it. My boss, who I have trusted for 4 years, this week announced that he has been in contact with our HR department to put in place a plan to help manage my unacceptable behaviour. I feel so ashamed, so betrayed – he has shared my diagnosis with several people without my permission. I can't imagine ever going back into the office, it just hurts too much.
Leeanne I am over 50 and its hard I no longer self harm or dissociate but I think that makes things worse because I now feel the pain and emotions I fine my life much easier to isolate myself so I don't affect or afend friends I have a huge amount of people who love me but I do not believe them when they to say nice things about me I think I would rather just curl up and die I live in australia
Leeanne I am over 50 and its hard I no longer self harm or dissociate but I think that makes things worse because I now feel the pain and emotions I fine my life much easier to isolate myself so I don't affect or afend friends I have a huge amount of people who love me but I do not believe them when they to say nice things about me I think I would rather just curl up and die I live in australia
This is progress! And, doesn't it feel so good when you respond in the newly learned way instead of giving into the impulse? Crisis averted! 🙂
This is progress! And, doesn't it feel so good when you respond in the newly learned way instead of giving into the impulse? Crisis averted! 🙂
No therapy is "one size fits all," so I am glad that you know what doesn't work. Now you can keep on your journey of finding something that does. How awful for you that your boss disclosed your diagnosis without your permission. Have you talked to human resources?
No therapy is "one size fits all," so I am glad that you know what doesn't work. Now you can keep on your journey of finding something that does. How awful for you that your boss disclosed your diagnosis without your permission. Have you talked to human resources?
I hope you feel better. If you really feel like you might harm yourself, please get professional help right away. ♥
I hope you feel better. If you really feel like you might harm yourself, please get professional help right away. ♥