|Image I snapped at the airport yesterday|
https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/healing-from-bpd-300x225.jpg 0 0 debbie https://www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/healing-from-bpd-300x225.jpg debbie2012-08-28 17:35:002012-08-28 17:35:00Coping With Abandonment Issues (and I think P!nk "gets" us)
Yesterday, I had to drop my boyfriend off at the airport. (I wrote about how my fear of abandonment has been triggered, here, the other day.) He’s only going away for a little over a week, but trying to calm my inner child (and nervous system) with that bit of information is challenging. Here’s a pic I took of the walkway back to my car. The way the phone captured the depth of the journey accurately captured how I felt in that moment.
Thinking about him going away was terrifying enough. Watching him go through security even more terrifying. Even though I have been through this so many times before, and for even longer periods of time (see my post on when he went away for a month!), I still notice my body and mind reacting in similar ways. There is good news, though. Now that I have a lot of practice coping with his departures using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills, I am able to handle these situations much better and even recover more quickly. I notice the sensation in the pit of my stomach — that “fear” feeling, that emptiness feeling in the evening…that scary feeling that I’m not sure who I am or how I am supposed to behave with him not around. Last night, I used Wise Mind to acknowledge that these thoughts, feelings, and sensations are clearly components of my Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotion Regulation Disorder). I acknowledged that while uncomfortable, I’ve experienced these before and have emerged feeling better. Yes, I’ve experienced these before and know that they are only transient. These, too, shall pass, and I will feel better soon. Most of what goes through my head when I have these episodes are thoughts and feelings that are just that: thoughts and feelings — not always necessarily facts. This acknowledgment is soothing and comforting. As I’m writing this to you, I am experiencing a dialectic: One part of me wants to scream and cry, and stomp and talk about how unfair it is that I have to go through this. The other part realizes how ineffective that would be, and that my ultimate goal right now is to feel well . I’m listening to the latter, but my ears are taking refuge in songs like this one, from P!nk, who really seems to get the whole BPD experience. I can actually relate to many of her songs. This one, “Please Don’t Leave Me” is particularly apt: In addition to mood matching with this song for validation, I plan to shift to activities that are considered Opposite Action to change my mood, such as watching funny television shows and going for a walk. Fortunately, I also have DBT group today. I also intend to keep social plans with THREE different people this week, though the anxiety is building up inside. I know I will feel better if I follow through and spend quality time with other people. I suppose I can even distract, immerse myself in the experience, and even be a good listener for other people instead of focusing on this passing difficulty. I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for reading. More Soon.