BPD Jealousy and Trauma

Understanding BPD Jealousy and Emotional Intensity

Jealousy and insecurity are normal emotions. However, when you live with BPD jealousy, these feelings can be much stronger. For those with BPD traits or trauma, the intensity can feel truly unbearable.

When a partner feels this intense BPD jealousy, it can be confusing for a couple. This is true even when there is no real threat. This article invited you to have compassion for yourself. If you are struggling with these triggers, please know there is a way forward.

So, why is the experience of BPD jealousy so intense? Often, it is because our nervous system is trying to protect us from past pain.”

How Trauma Impacts BPD Jealousy

Whether the person with BPD, BPD traits, trauma, or emotional sensitivity experienced past abandonment, rejection, or betrayal in the form of a lover cheating, a parent not being present, or some other type of similar experience, or if they witnessed such things as a child between their caregivers, their nervous system remembers this.

Every time we act out on something, it serves a purpose. The key is to find the driving force is and learn new emotional skills and ways to meet those needs more effectively.

In an effort to protect us from even perceived threats, reacting to jealous and insecure thoughts serves us by creating the illusion that we are in control and protecting ourselves from some threat.

The problem is, if the threat is only the thoughts and the thoughts are unfounded (for example, you worry that your boyfriend is cheating on you and the fear is strong and the thoughts repetitive, but there’s no actual evidence) you’re suffering from the consequences of these rather uncomfortable emotion.

How so?

First, when we’re reacting to thoughts as if they are real
(because we’re afraid, have been hurt in the past, and don’t want to be hurt again),

but they’re not actually real (there’s no evidence, may be lots of evidence to the contrary, but we have a strong emotion and lots of thoughts accompanying it),

we’re not living in reality.  We’re living in the past trauma.

While we’re upset, we may even notice body sensations that were present when the original trauma occurred (tight stomach, racing heart).

Secondly, a consequence of repeated acting out on jealous feelings and insecure thoughts is the impact it has on the relationships that matter most.  Ironically, the behaviors that emotionally sensitive people sometimes act out when jealous or feeling insecure are the very behaviors that push away a partner, friend, or loved one rather than create the connectedness, closeness, and intimacy that the panicky emotions are driving them to try to protect.

Something that can be helpful in these moments is to bring yourself back to the present by grounding.  You can do this by using your senses and noticing what you see, hear, feel, touch, and taste in the moment.

You can also use soothing self-talk to help calm your nervous system, such as, “I am safe. I am grounded.  There is no real threat right now. Fear is moving through me. I am okay.”

Using DBT Skills to Cope

In my online DBT class that starts soon, we’ll be focusing on a set of skills that help us tolerate emotional distress when triggered so we don’t make matters worse and damage our relationships while learning to take care of ourselves with a level of self-compassion we may have never received in the past.

And there’s no judgment.  We’ll work to apply the skills to situations that are meaningful to you in YOUR life, whether your jealousy stems from:

• being triggered by
  •  your partner’s friends or followers on social media
  • partner’s co-worker relationships
  • a friend has a loving, stable family that you never had
  • your sibling’s relationship with other family members
  • witnessing people you know graduate from school, get married, have kids, and you’re feeling stuck dealing with your own mental health issues
  • thinking others are younger or more attractive than you and therefore a threat
  • thinking others are better than you at things you want to be great at

• check the facts
• ground and bring yourself into the present moment
• find a way to distract yourself until the urge subsides