BPD – Outside/In

By Guest Blogger Sean Hayes



Colleen was just finishing up a beast of a prep list when Sean arrived to start his dinner shift. Molasses oat bread cooling. Cowgirl Meatloaf resting in the pans. More than a dozen other recipes already crossed off the list.

“Hello dear Momma C!” he says as he grabs an apron and throws it over his head.

“Hey how are you?” Colleen, affectionately called Momma C by Sean, asks in response.

“I’m doing OK. The walk here seems to have taken care of the hangover from last night. Hah!”

Colleen laughs in her beautiful full-on laugh. “I was just about to get started on whiskey sauce after I package the bread. Someone missed that on the list and we are out.” She gives Sean a sly look since he worked dinner last night and it was him who missed getting it on the list.

“Oh crap! Did I miss anything else? Actually, I can take care of the bread and meatloaf and finish up the whiskey sauce if you get it started. Tonight’s specials are all ready so I have plenty of time.” Sean responded in embarrassment.

“No, you didn’t miss anything and thank you for the kind offer. Joe will be excited to see me sooner! But we really should do a shot of whiskey since that’s an official part of getting it started. I’ll pour the shots.”

“Oh, OK.” Sean says as he raises the maple syrup server filled with cheap whiskey and offers a cheers to Colleen. They clink the glasses and knock back the shots. “OK, you got the sauce started and that hair of the dog is just what I needed to beat that hangover for real. You head home to Joe and the fam, I got the rest of this prep. I love when you work prep. I know everything’s gonna be good. Even better if I get to start my shift with you!”

“You’re so sweet, Sean. OK, I am gonna get out of here.” She tossed her apron in the bin and headed out the back door. Sean decided to take one more shot, turned on some music, and got to work finishing the prep work and starting dinner set-up.


“Ugh… What the hell happened last night? Hey there, Duncan Donut, Idaho boy.” My good boy named after a SciFi/Fantasy character perked up and crawled in his adorable way up the bed to snuggle and groom my beard with little nibbles. Whenever he does that, I giggle & feel a flush of gratitude & happiness despite a spinning head and grumbly hangover tum.

“What time is it? OK, I have 2 hours to get feeling like a human again.” I am thankful to have Duncan as cover for my habit of talking to myself. People might otherwise discover the truth of how crazy I really am! At work, I have the excuse (and reason) of keeping orders straight when I am cooking.

The morning song of one George Washington Hayduke “Chemicals, chemicals, I need chemicals.” Let’s see here what chemicals do I have for a boost? Coffee & nicotine always. And Jen gave me a couple of buds before we left the restaurant last night, so we’ll add THC to the mix this morning. Coffee & an Amsterdam cigarette, yes please.

After pouring a cup of black coffee, I saunter slowly out the back door of the trailer and pull up a camp chair as Duncan sniffs around the yard. Time to roll that Amsterdam cigarette. As the combo of tobacco & cannabis smoke penetrates my brain synapses, I think about my current housemates; Laurie & Annie. Laurie has become a dear friend despite & because of how irritating she can be. What’s with my tendency to be drawn to people who annoy me? I have no idea, but it always ends the same way. As far as Annie goes, she definitely has a bit of a thing for me. Too bad she has a boyfriend; she is quite adorable. I do my pathetic best at being a good person, we’ll just see how long I can deflect her advances before I inevitably fail and we hook up.

Damn, where does the time go? Heh, oh yeah, I got stoned. Time for a shower and a walk to work. It’s been a great year since running off here to Boulder. I sold a lot of my crap and left another good job behind on an impulse. The same insistent impulse driven by an intense, unavoidable, and obsessive fear of being abandoned or rejected. It’s unlikely Duncan will ever abandon me, but we’ll see if this fear takes over this relationship as well. But I know as surely as I know anything, it’s only a matter of time before friends, family, & co-workers start catching on to my bullshit & abandon or reject me. They always catch on and wise up to me. Except Mom who is always on the lookout for another willing victim. At least I feel comfortable in that role, I’ve been playing it all my life. And honestly, I enjoy the game of seeing who can out-manipulate who. Two masters plying their trade, and I usually win out, especially when it really matters.

Can you relate to Sean’s experience outside and in with borderline personality disorder (BPD)?  Let him know in the comments below.

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