Please, please…Don’t Leave Me | The Borderline’s Plea
Since recently reading and blogging about the speculation that Marilyn Monroe may have had Borderline Personality Disorder, I became more intrigued. Last night, I rented the movie, “My Week With Marilyn,” which claims to be based on a true story.
Here are my thoughts around the parallels I have sen in my own life as a person with BPD – particularly around her intense fear of abandonment, clingy-ness, and mood swings in relationships.
Here’s a video I made, discussing this:
Can you relate?
Have you seen the film?
You can watch the movie online right now through Amazon by clicking HERE.
The author of this blog post has since RECOVERED from Borderline Personality Disorder and no longer meets the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. There is HOPE for you! Recovery happened through a commitment to DBT. Debbie now teaches the DBT skills that helped change her life over at DBTpath.net where you can take online Dialectical Behavior Therapy Classes from anywhere in the world. We only wish this therapy existed when Marilyn Monroe graced this planet, but today YOU *can* overcome this disorder! Take an online class with Debbie today!
I absolutely loved your VLOG because I can relate to what you are saying so much. I will definitely have to watch "My Week With Marilyn." To share a little bit about me and my fear of abandonment issues, I recently got out of several friendships that were toxic to my health as well as the other people in the friendships. I was constantly feeling rejected and abandoned. For instance, the girl in the group not including myself (two girls, three guys total) would constantly make plans with me and then find some excuse to cancel whether it be ditching me for another one of my friends she said she forgot she had already made plans with or that she was ill as she suffers from Crohn's (she, too, has BPD). Every time she would cancel (since I revolved my ENTIRE world around her and the plans we made) I felt devastated and even at times felt suicidal. I would attempt to contact her by phone or knocking at her door (we live in the same apartment building), no answer. I directly related this back to my past. When I was younger my father rejected and abandoned me time and time again. Therefore, anyone that does the same now (in my head) must pay for his mistakes so-to-speak. The three guys in this group of friends were (and still are) infatuated with her, constantly blowing me off just to spend time with her. So, all around I was feeling rejection. I put her up on a pedestal for over two years. We constantly had passionate fights of hatred if that makes sense. I finally wised up enough to realize the toxicity from those friendships was making me more ill than I actually was. So I backed off from all of them. It's been two months since I have spoken to any of them and I've never felt healthier and more content. I feel my BPD isn't rearing it's ugly head almost at all anymore. (I was constantly dissociating, suicidal, angry, and hurt.) I have learned from this experience that while maybe this group of friends wasn't healthy for me, it taught me well how to deal with rejection – either real or imagined. My fear of abandonment still remains with the other people still in my life but from my experiences with those toxic friends I have learned to not push the ones I love away in fear that they'll leave me first. I have to remind myself that life isn't a competition of who can get who out of their lives the fastest. It's about loving while you can and enjoying each and every moment. Constantly fearing something that may very well happen one day for one reason or another slows down and may even stop progress. Fear is paralyzing, this I more than understand. However, choosing to love and enjoy everyone in your life while they're in it is a wonderful thing. They may be there for a short while to learn a lesson. They may be there permanently. Whatever the case, everyone that has been put in our lives, I am a firm believer, has been put there for his or her own reason. 😉
I absolutely loved your VLOG because I can relate to what you are saying so much. I will definitely have to watch "My Week With Marilyn." To share a little bit about me and my fear of abandonment issues, I recently got out of several friendships that were toxic to my health as well as the other people in the friendships. I was constantly feeling rejected and abandoned. For instance, the girl in the group not including myself (two girls, three guys total) would constantly make plans with me and then find some excuse to cancel whether it be ditching me for another one of my friends she said she forgot she had already made plans with or that she was ill as she suffers from Crohn's (she, too, has BPD). Every time she would cancel (since I revolved my ENTIRE world around her and the plans we made) I felt devastated and even at times felt suicidal. I would attempt to contact her by phone or knocking at her door (we live in the same apartment building), no answer. I directly related this back to my past. When I was younger my father rejected and abandoned me time and time again. Therefore, anyone that does the same now (in my head) must pay for his mistakes so-to-speak. The three guys in this group of friends were (and still are) infatuated with her, constantly blowing me off just to spend time with her. So, all around I was feeling rejection. I put her up on a pedestal for over two years. We constantly had passionate fights of hatred if that makes sense. I finally wised up enough to realize the toxicity from those friendships was making me more ill than I actually was. So I backed off from all of them. It's been two months since I have spoken to any of them and I've never felt healthier and more content. I feel my BPD isn't rearing it's ugly head almost at all anymore. (I was constantly dissociating, suicidal, angry, and hurt.) I have learned from this experience that while maybe this group of friends wasn't healthy for me, it taught me well how to deal with rejection – either real or imagined. My fear of abandonment still remains with the other people still in my life but from my experiences with those toxic friends I have learned to not push the ones I love away in fear that they'll leave me first. I have to remind myself that life isn't a competition of who can get who out of their lives the fastest. It's about loving while you can and enjoying each and every moment. Constantly fearing something that may very well happen one day for one reason or another slows down and may even stop progress. Fear is paralyzing, this I more than understand. However, choosing to love and enjoy everyone in your life while they're in it is a wonderful thing. They may be there for a short while to learn a lesson. They may be there permanently. Whatever the case, everyone that has been put in our lives, I am a firm believer, has been put there for his or her own reason. 😉
I am so interested to see this movie now. I can relate to everything you talk about in this video. I found it so difficult when my partner has gone away in the past. Sometimes it's hard when he's just at work for the day. I can completely see how that is conected to the identity crisis i have found myself in all my life. I saw my therapist today and mentioned how your blog is helping me to remember to use all of my skills. It is such a good thing you are doing Debbie.
I am so interested to see this movie now. I can relate to everything you talk about in this video. I found it so difficult when my partner has gone away in the past. Sometimes it's hard when he's just at work for the day. I can completely see how that is conected to the identity crisis i have found myself in all my life. I saw my therapist today and mentioned how your blog is helping me to remember to use all of my skills. It is such a good thing you are doing Debbie.
Hi Debbie, I have not seen the movie although when it first came out it was my plan because I, as many, relate to Marilyn in many ways. Part of the movie that you mentioned is something that I too, have done in the past, thankfully I haven't in a long time attending my support group really helped me deal with being afraid of being left in a relationship. Like everything it is a process but one that is very much worth going through, I remember being so happy when I began to notice how I was less afraid of being left or rejected and when my self esteem and confidence started getting a little higher.
Hi Debbie, I have not seen the movie although when it first came out it was my plan because I, as many, relate to Marilyn in many ways. Part of the movie that you mentioned is something that I too, have done in the past, thankfully I haven't in a long time attending my support group really helped me deal with being afraid of being left in a relationship. Like everything it is a process but one that is very much worth going through, I remember being so happy when I began to notice how I was less afraid of being left or rejected and when my self esteem and confidence started getting a little higher.
Dear Melanie – thank you for your kind comment. I think you are very keen in understanding how things that happened from the past affect your life in the now. I am proud of you for realizing that we must live life in the now and not base our lives around fear. Thank you for reading and for your very insightful comment! ♥
Dear Melanie – thank you for your kind comment. I think you are very keen in understanding how things that happened from the past affect your life in the now. I am proud of you for realizing that we must live life in the now and not base our lives around fear. Thank you for reading and for your very insightful comment! ♥
Thank you, Debbie, for your blog. I just accidentally discovered it today and I will continue reading it. You have hit the nail on the proverbial head for me. I am so very afraid of abandonment it's unreal. I have a complicated relationship (we were dating and now we're not but he's still in my life and everything is the same as it was, so we may as well call it dating again, but he refuses because I am "mentally ill," to use his phrase). Anyway, I have felt that he is backing away from me and that we are growing apart and I can hardly stand it. We talked yesterday, texted really, that's pretty much all we do, and he admitted to me that he is "sorta" frustrated with me because, basically, I am not making progress and going back to work, quickly enough for him. That is very frustrating for me because progress takes time and he doesn't understand that these things don't heal overnight. They take time, sometimes a lot of time. I am not in DBT at this time, I absolutely hate DBT. It's so hard. My therapist is going another route with me, called schema therapy. I'll let you look that up, if that is your desire. But it's taking a lot of time to realize the root causes of all these diagnoses I have, and then to learn to think and react differently. It's not easy. I wish I could make him understand because I need him to be patient with me, and he's just not being patient. So I am afraid that he is going to get sick of me and just walk out on me. I don't think I can stand it, and like Marilyn Monroe, though I haven't seen the movie, I think I would right away be finding someone else to cling to, because this guy is my world. I firmly believe that I cannot live life alone. I want someone to be there for me, to love me, just as I am, problems and all. I hope this guy can come through for me because I really love him. He's a good guy, he just has issues, like the rest of us. Thanks for such a wonderful blog. I have a blog too, about my journey to wellness, if you want to check it out. It's not a bit like yours, but I think it's good. it's MyPathToRecovery.blogspot.com. Thanks again. Deborah
I look at a lot of things online about BPD and relationships. They are so cruel about people with BPD. They tell people to run and get away while they can. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend because of some issues and I had a break down and went into hospital. He never talked to me again…he just ignored me for weeks with my texts and phone calls. well he calls me out of the blue and wants to talk but he wanted to get a hotel room because that way we could talk in private but you know we talked and got things out and got questions answered…he said he wanted to try again and he loved me so much…he missed me…he said he was sorry that he wasn't there for me in my time of need. so we "made" up…the next day he was leaving to work out of town and I was ok with it…he said he would text me while he was gone…well he didn't text me when he got there like he said he would…so text him asking if he made it and he said yes he was tired and sleeping. I was ok with that…for the next few days I never got texts unless I intiated them…then he would say something but it was always short and vague. he would say i'm working text you later but never text me. One day he just quit texting our of the blue. I never said anything and I never flipped out about anything…he just stopped for no reason. so I kept texting him asking what was wrong…this has gone on for 3 weeks and today I finally got a response and he said as you noticed I haven't answered you in three weeks if you text me again I will call the police and put a protective order against you. now tell me why he would go through all the trouble when he could just simply explain why he stopped communication. he let this go on for three weeks…when it could have just been over in one day. I know he still loves me…there is no doubt in my mind that he doesn't. so I don't know if he has actually called the police…I guess I will wait to see if he goes to court tomorrow and if I get served papers. All he had to do was answer a simple question. I am very sad, angry and crying. I know I messed up by letting my disease take over me. Will BPD's ever have good relationships…everything I have read is that we are meant to be alone. I can't find anything on relationships…are we not suppose to have anyone. Please Help!
I look at a lot of things online about BPD and relationships. They are so cruel about people with BPD. They tell people to run and get away while they can. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend because of some issues and I had a break down and went into hospital. He never talked to me again…he just ignored me for weeks with my texts and phone calls. well he calls me out of the blue and wants to talk but he wanted to get a hotel room because that way we could talk in private but you know we talked and got things out and got questions answered…he said he wanted to try again and he loved me so much…he missed me…he said he was sorry that he wasn't there for me in my time of need. so we "made" up…the next day he was leaving to work out of town and I was ok with it…he said he would text me while he was gone…well he didn't text me when he got there like he said he would…so text him asking if he made it and he said yes he was tired and sleeping. I was ok with that…for the next few days I never got texts unless I intiated them…then he would say something but it was always short and vague. he would say i'm working text you later but never text me. One day he just quit texting our of the blue. I never said anything and I never flipped out about anything…he just stopped for no reason. so I kept texting him asking what was wrong…this has gone on for 3 weeks and today I finally got a response and he said as you noticed I haven't answered you in three weeks if you text me again I will call the police and put a protective order against you. now tell me why he would go through all the trouble when he could just simply explain why he stopped communication. he let this go on for three weeks…when it could have just been over in one day. I know he still loves me…there is no doubt in my mind that he doesn't. so I don't know if he has actually called the police…I guess I will wait to see if he goes to court tomorrow and if I get served papers. All he had to do was answer a simple question. I am very sad, angry and crying. I know I messed up by letting my disease take over me. Will BPD's ever have good relationships…everything I have read is that we are meant to be alone. I can't find anything on relationships…are we not suppose to have anyone. Please Help!
I saw the movie..Michelle Williams did an excellent job as Marilyn in this movie. I also felt the raw emotion and could identify myself with Marilyn in the movie. I think we are all afraid of abandonment because we have inherent need to be loved. I really admire you Debbie for having the strength to be able to look inside yourself. I've seen too many people who blame everybody else. I think we all have the strength to change as long as we are willing to make a difference. I also have come very far in my recovery from bpd traits (i was never really diagnosed with bpd but my mom is definitely a borderline..and I do have traits). Even then, I am still terrified of being abandoned and rejected…and I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life. I think the abandonment we experience in childhood can shape who we are and it affects us into adulthood. I feel very fortunate that there are resources available today and that I will survive even if someone abandones me.
I saw the movie..Michelle Williams did an excellent job as Marilyn in this movie. I also felt the raw emotion and could identify myself with Marilyn in the movie. I think we are all afraid of abandonment because we have inherent need to be loved. I really admire you Debbie for having the strength to be able to look inside yourself. I've seen too many people who blame everybody else. I think we all have the strength to change as long as we are willing to make a difference. I also have come very far in my recovery from bpd traits (i was never really diagnosed with bpd but my mom is definitely a borderline..and I do have traits). Even then, I am still terrified of being abandoned and rejected…and I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life. I think the abandonment we experience in childhood can shape who we are and it affects us into adulthood. I feel very fortunate that there are resources available today and that I will survive even if someone abandones me.
Dear Stephanie, I am very sorry to hear about your boyfriend and what you have gone through. It must have been tough waiting for his texts and his sudden message that he was contacting the police. I am glad that you are getting the help you need. Debbie is very knowledgable about BPD, and I am so happy to have found her on twitter. xoxo
Dear Stephanie, I am very sorry to hear about your boyfriend and what you have gone through. It must have been tough waiting for his texts and his sudden message that he was contacting the police. I am glad that you are getting the help you need. Debbie is very knowledgable about BPD, and I am so happy to have found her on twitter. xoxo
I'm sorry you had such an upsetting experience. I hope you are now doing well. I believe it is totally possible for people with BPD to have better relationships. It started for me with learning DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills. I learned to manage and regulate my emotions, stop sabotaging relationships, and to be better able to cope when others do upsetting things. This has been huge in my own process.
I'm sorry you had such an upsetting experience. I hope you are now doing well. I believe it is totally possible for people with BPD to have better relationships. It started for me with learning DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills. I learned to manage and regulate my emotions, stop sabotaging relationships, and to be better able to cope when others do upsetting things. This has been huge in my own process.
Hello Angel, I thought she did a fantastic job too. I am proud of you for acknowledging how far you have come as well. I also hope that you continue to strengthen and that your fear of abandonment diminishes as time goes on. ♥
Hello Angel, I thought she did a fantastic job too. I am proud of you for acknowledging how far you have come as well. I also hope that you continue to strengthen and that your fear of abandonment diminishes as time goes on. ♥
Thank you so much for this post. I graduated DBT over a month ago and have come really far on my recovery/journey. My current partner and I have been having some serious problems. Things have been unhealthy and at this point I am not sure we can turn things around. However something just clicked for me and this post really helped with that. I have heard and said out-loud many times that I cannot put all my eggs in one basket and I can't let my partner define me and my worth. But I just realized it was always about them when I would say these things. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. While in this relationship I spend time with friends and family still so I have been thinking I am NOT putting all my eggs in one basket and letting this relationship define me. But I realized I AM doing exactly that. I am doing that internally. And I have done that with most if not all of my relationships. I have gotten really good at regulating my emotions in all different scenarios in my life through the work I have been doing but I realized I suck at doing that with a romantic partner. I am so afraid of him leaving me (of abandonment) that I turn to him pleading for understanding and to make me stop feeling so scared, and for support and comfort me so I can feel better. I go into extreme emotion mind and it scares the crap out of him so he gets cold and distant and just wants to get away from me. With that I feel even worse, more desperate, and more disregulated so I start clinging and chasing and pleading for this comfort and support. But he cannot make these feelings go away. Yes, he could be a better support and be validating and try not do exactly what I fear, but in these moments I feel like my entire world is dependent on him reassuring me and comforting me and saving me from my own fears and extreme emotions and what I REALLY need to be doing is using my skills to regulate my own emotions. I have been feeling like my entire world will fall apart if he leaves or if this relationship ends. While this relationship isn't healthy right now, I realize I need to be better able to cope when my romantic partner does upsetting things. I need to learn how to cope with these fears of abandonment without turning to him to save me and without doing things that make things worse. It's like all my skills I've learned to help regulate my emotions go out the window and I NEED him to save me and if he does then everything will be ok. I am not taking all the blame for our troubles in this relationship, not in the least. My fears make sense because of my past and trauma I have experienced but how I am behaving in response to them is not effective for developing a healthy relationship. It makes things worse. If we decide we want to turn this relationship around or if I ever want to have a healthy relationship with someone else if this ends, I need to stop turning to this one other person to save me and make me feel better. I am not sure why this finally really clicked with me but all these words I have heard and even said myself before actually make so much more sense to me now. No matter what happens I will be ok because I have the skills to cope and I am the only one who can save me from my own extreme emotions and fears. Does this make sense to others? I would love and appreciate any feedback. Has anyone else had a similar "ah-ha" moment in regards to this? I feel like this is a big breakthrough (not that the work is over at all) and I am looking forward to talking to my therapist about it. Thanks again, Debbie!
I am in DBT at smhc it is helping me hughly. BPD is so diffiult for me to handle. I have feelings that since there is a staff here leaving friday i feel it must be something I did wrong but what? I have difficulities having staff come and go. Its a very hard thing for me to handle. I feel many times people are going to all leave me. What did I do? I feel. Even when staff don't have time to talk to me I blame it on myself and when a staff may have a day off I blame on me. I sometimes think its all my fault
I am in DBT at smhc it is helping me hughly. BPD is so diffiult for me to handle. I have feelings that since there is a staff here leaving friday i feel it must be something I did wrong but what? I have difficulities having staff come and go. Its a very hard thing for me to handle. I feel many times people are going to all leave me. What did I do? I feel. Even when staff don't have time to talk to me I blame it on myself and when a staff may have a day off I blame on me. I sometimes think its all my fault
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Debbie ~
I absolutely loved your VLOG because I can relate to what you are saying so much. I will definitely have to watch "My Week With Marilyn." To share a little bit about me and my fear of abandonment issues, I recently got out of several friendships that were toxic to my health as well as the other people in the friendships. I was constantly feeling rejected and abandoned. For instance, the girl in the group not including myself (two girls, three guys total) would constantly make plans with me and then find some excuse to cancel whether it be ditching me for another one of my friends she said she forgot she had already made plans with or that she was ill as she suffers from Crohn's (she, too, has BPD). Every time she would cancel (since I revolved my ENTIRE world around her and the plans we made) I felt devastated and even at times felt suicidal. I would attempt to contact her by phone or knocking at her door (we live in the same apartment building), no answer. I directly related this back to my past. When I was younger my father rejected and abandoned me time and time again. Therefore, anyone that does the same now (in my head) must pay for his mistakes so-to-speak. The three guys in this group of friends were (and still are) infatuated with her, constantly blowing me off just to spend time with her. So, all around I was feeling rejection. I put her up on a pedestal for over two years. We constantly had passionate fights of hatred if that makes sense. I finally wised up enough to realize the toxicity from those friendships was making me more ill than I actually was. So I backed off from all of them. It's been two months since I have spoken to any of them and I've never felt healthier and more content. I feel my BPD isn't rearing it's ugly head almost at all anymore. (I was constantly dissociating, suicidal, angry, and hurt.) I have learned from this experience that while maybe this group of friends wasn't healthy for me, it taught me well how to deal with rejection – either real or imagined. My fear of abandonment still remains with the other people still in my life but from my experiences with those toxic friends I have learned to not push the ones I love away in fear that they'll leave me first. I have to remind myself that life isn't a competition of who can get who out of their lives the fastest. It's about loving while you can and enjoying each and every moment. Constantly fearing something that may very well happen one day for one reason or another slows down and may even stop progress. Fear is paralyzing, this I more than understand. However, choosing to love and enjoy everyone in your life while they're in it is a wonderful thing. They may be there for a short while to learn a lesson. They may be there permanently. Whatever the case, everyone that has been put in our lives, I am a firm believer, has been put there for his or her own reason. 😉
Debbie ~
I absolutely loved your VLOG because I can relate to what you are saying so much. I will definitely have to watch "My Week With Marilyn." To share a little bit about me and my fear of abandonment issues, I recently got out of several friendships that were toxic to my health as well as the other people in the friendships. I was constantly feeling rejected and abandoned. For instance, the girl in the group not including myself (two girls, three guys total) would constantly make plans with me and then find some excuse to cancel whether it be ditching me for another one of my friends she said she forgot she had already made plans with or that she was ill as she suffers from Crohn's (she, too, has BPD). Every time she would cancel (since I revolved my ENTIRE world around her and the plans we made) I felt devastated and even at times felt suicidal. I would attempt to contact her by phone or knocking at her door (we live in the same apartment building), no answer. I directly related this back to my past. When I was younger my father rejected and abandoned me time and time again. Therefore, anyone that does the same now (in my head) must pay for his mistakes so-to-speak. The three guys in this group of friends were (and still are) infatuated with her, constantly blowing me off just to spend time with her. So, all around I was feeling rejection. I put her up on a pedestal for over two years. We constantly had passionate fights of hatred if that makes sense. I finally wised up enough to realize the toxicity from those friendships was making me more ill than I actually was. So I backed off from all of them. It's been two months since I have spoken to any of them and I've never felt healthier and more content. I feel my BPD isn't rearing it's ugly head almost at all anymore. (I was constantly dissociating, suicidal, angry, and hurt.) I have learned from this experience that while maybe this group of friends wasn't healthy for me, it taught me well how to deal with rejection – either real or imagined. My fear of abandonment still remains with the other people still in my life but from my experiences with those toxic friends I have learned to not push the ones I love away in fear that they'll leave me first. I have to remind myself that life isn't a competition of who can get who out of their lives the fastest. It's about loving while you can and enjoying each and every moment. Constantly fearing something that may very well happen one day for one reason or another slows down and may even stop progress. Fear is paralyzing, this I more than understand. However, choosing to love and enjoy everyone in your life while they're in it is a wonderful thing. They may be there for a short while to learn a lesson. They may be there permanently. Whatever the case, everyone that has been put in our lives, I am a firm believer, has been put there for his or her own reason. 😉
Just call me Marilyn
Just call me Marilyn
I am so interested to see this movie now. I can relate to everything you talk about in this video. I found it so difficult when my partner has gone away in the past. Sometimes it's hard when he's just at work for the day.
I can completely see how that is conected to the identity crisis i have found myself in all my life.
I saw my therapist today and mentioned how your blog is helping me to remember to use all of my skills. It is such a good thing you are doing Debbie.
I am so interested to see this movie now. I can relate to everything you talk about in this video. I found it so difficult when my partner has gone away in the past. Sometimes it's hard when he's just at work for the day.
I can completely see how that is conected to the identity crisis i have found myself in all my life.
I saw my therapist today and mentioned how your blog is helping me to remember to use all of my skills. It is such a good thing you are doing Debbie.
Hi Debbie, I have not seen the movie although when it first came out it was my plan because I, as many, relate to Marilyn in many ways. Part of the movie that you mentioned is something that I too, have done in the past, thankfully I haven't in a long time attending my support group really helped me deal with being afraid of being left in a relationship. Like everything it is a process but one that is very much worth going through, I remember being so happy when I began to notice how I was less afraid of being left or rejected and when my self esteem and confidence started getting a little higher.
Madison:)
Hi Debbie, I have not seen the movie although when it first came out it was my plan because I, as many, relate to Marilyn in many ways. Part of the movie that you mentioned is something that I too, have done in the past, thankfully I haven't in a long time attending my support group really helped me deal with being afraid of being left in a relationship. Like everything it is a process but one that is very much worth going through, I remember being so happy when I began to notice how I was less afraid of being left or rejected and when my self esteem and confidence started getting a little higher.
Madison:)
Dear Melanie – thank you for your kind comment. I think you are very keen in understanding how things that happened from the past affect your life in the now. I am proud of you for realizing that we must live life in the now and not base our lives around fear. Thank you for reading and for your very insightful comment! ♥
Dear Melanie – thank you for your kind comment. I think you are very keen in understanding how things that happened from the past affect your life in the now. I am proud of you for realizing that we must live life in the now and not base our lives around fear. Thank you for reading and for your very insightful comment! ♥
So interesting, the parallels, right?! ♥
So interesting, the parallels, right?! ♥
I'm very curious to hear your thoughts after you watch the film, Rainbow. Thank you so much for telling your therapist about my blog, too! ♥
I'm very curious to hear your thoughts after you watch the film, Rainbow. Thank you so much for telling your therapist about my blog, too! ♥
Hi Madison (I love your blog, by the way!). Thanks for sharing how you relate. ♥
Hi Madison (I love your blog, by the way!). Thanks for sharing how you relate. ♥
Thank you, Debbie, for your blog. I just accidentally discovered it today and I will continue reading it. You have hit the nail on the proverbial head for me. I am so very afraid of abandonment it's unreal. I have a complicated relationship (we were dating and now we're not but he's still in my life and everything is the same as it was, so we may as well call it dating again, but he refuses because I am "mentally ill," to use his phrase). Anyway, I have felt that he is backing away from me and that we are growing apart and I can hardly stand it. We talked yesterday, texted really, that's pretty much all we do, and he admitted to me that he is "sorta" frustrated with me because, basically, I am not making progress and going back to work, quickly enough for him. That is very frustrating for me because progress takes time and he doesn't understand that these things don't heal overnight. They take time, sometimes a lot of time. I am not in DBT at this time, I absolutely hate DBT. It's so hard. My therapist is going another route with me, called schema therapy. I'll let you look that up, if that is your desire. But it's taking a lot of time to realize the root causes of all these diagnoses I have, and then to learn to think and react differently. It's not easy. I wish I could make him understand because I need him to be patient with me, and he's just not being patient. So I am afraid that he is going to get sick of me and just walk out on me. I don't think I can stand it, and like Marilyn Monroe, though I haven't seen the movie, I think I would right away be finding someone else to cling to, because this guy is my world. I firmly believe that I cannot live life alone. I want someone to be there for me, to love me, just as I am, problems and all. I hope this guy can come through for me because I really love him. He's a good guy, he just has issues, like the rest of us. Thanks for such a wonderful blog. I have a blog too, about my journey to wellness, if you want to check it out. It's not a bit like yours, but I think it's good. it's MyPathToRecovery.blogspot.com. Thanks again. Deborah
I look at a lot of things online about BPD and relationships. They are so cruel about people with BPD. They tell people to run and get away while they can. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend because of some issues and I had a break down and went into hospital. He never talked to me again…he just ignored me for weeks with my texts and phone calls. well he calls me out of the blue and wants to talk but he wanted to get a hotel room because that way we could talk in private but you know we talked and got things out and got questions answered…he said he wanted to try again and he loved me so much…he missed me…he said he was sorry that he wasn't there for me in my time of need. so we "made" up…the next day he was leaving to work out of town and I was ok with it…he said he would text me while he was gone…well he didn't text me when he got there like he said he would…so text him asking if he made it and he said yes he was tired and sleeping. I was ok with that…for the next few days I never got texts unless I intiated them…then he would say something but it was always short and vague. he would say i'm working text you later but never text me. One day he just quit texting our of the blue. I never said anything and I never flipped out about anything…he just stopped for no reason. so I kept texting him asking what was wrong…this has gone on for 3 weeks and today I finally got a response and he said as you noticed I haven't answered you in three weeks if you text me again I will call the police and put a protective order against you. now tell me why he would go through all the trouble when he could just simply explain why he stopped communication. he let this go on for three weeks…when it could have just been over in one day. I know he still loves me…there is no doubt in my mind that he doesn't. so I don't know if he has actually called the police…I guess I will wait to see if he goes to court tomorrow and if I get served papers. All he had to do was answer a simple question. I am very sad, angry and crying. I know I messed up by letting my disease take over me. Will BPD's ever have good relationships…everything I have read is that we are meant to be alone. I can't find anything on relationships…are we not suppose to have anyone. Please Help!
I look at a lot of things online about BPD and relationships. They are so cruel about people with BPD. They tell people to run and get away while they can. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend because of some issues and I had a break down and went into hospital. He never talked to me again…he just ignored me for weeks with my texts and phone calls. well he calls me out of the blue and wants to talk but he wanted to get a hotel room because that way we could talk in private but you know we talked and got things out and got questions answered…he said he wanted to try again and he loved me so much…he missed me…he said he was sorry that he wasn't there for me in my time of need. so we "made" up…the next day he was leaving to work out of town and I was ok with it…he said he would text me while he was gone…well he didn't text me when he got there like he said he would…so text him asking if he made it and he said yes he was tired and sleeping. I was ok with that…for the next few days I never got texts unless I intiated them…then he would say something but it was always short and vague. he would say i'm working text you later but never text me. One day he just quit texting our of the blue. I never said anything and I never flipped out about anything…he just stopped for no reason. so I kept texting him asking what was wrong…this has gone on for 3 weeks and today I finally got a response and he said as you noticed I haven't answered you in three weeks if you text me again I will call the police and put a protective order against you. now tell me why he would go through all the trouble when he could just simply explain why he stopped communication. he let this go on for three weeks…when it could have just been over in one day. I know he still loves me…there is no doubt in my mind that he doesn't. so I don't know if he has actually called the police…I guess I will wait to see if he goes to court tomorrow and if I get served papers. All he had to do was answer a simple question. I am very sad, angry and crying. I know I messed up by letting my disease take over me. Will BPD's ever have good relationships…everything I have read is that we are meant to be alone. I can't find anything on relationships…are we not suppose to have anyone. Please Help!
I saw the movie..Michelle Williams did an excellent job as Marilyn in this movie. I also felt the raw emotion and could identify myself with Marilyn in the movie. I think we are all afraid of abandonment because we have inherent need to be loved. I really admire you Debbie for having the strength to be able to look inside yourself. I've seen too many people who blame everybody else. I think we all have the strength to change as long as we are willing to make a difference. I also have come very far in my recovery from bpd traits (i was never really diagnosed with bpd but my mom is definitely a borderline..and I do have traits). Even then, I am still terrified of being abandoned and rejected…and I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life. I think the abandonment we experience in childhood can shape who we are and it affects us into adulthood. I feel very fortunate that there are resources available today and that I will survive even if someone abandones me.
I saw the movie..Michelle Williams did an excellent job as Marilyn in this movie. I also felt the raw emotion and could identify myself with Marilyn in the movie. I think we are all afraid of abandonment because we have inherent need to be loved. I really admire you Debbie for having the strength to be able to look inside yourself. I've seen too many people who blame everybody else. I think we all have the strength to change as long as we are willing to make a difference. I also have come very far in my recovery from bpd traits (i was never really diagnosed with bpd but my mom is definitely a borderline..and I do have traits). Even then, I am still terrified of being abandoned and rejected…and I will probably struggle with this for the rest of my life. I think the abandonment we experience in childhood can shape who we are and it affects us into adulthood. I feel very fortunate that there are resources available today and that I will survive even if someone abandones me.
Dear Stephanie, I am very sorry to hear about your boyfriend and what you have gone through. It must have been tough waiting for his texts and his sudden message that he was contacting the police. I am glad that you are getting the help you need. Debbie is very knowledgable about BPD, and I am so happy to have found her on twitter. xoxo
Dear Stephanie, I am very sorry to hear about your boyfriend and what you have gone through. It must have been tough waiting for his texts and his sudden message that he was contacting the police. I am glad that you are getting the help you need. Debbie is very knowledgable about BPD, and I am so happy to have found her on twitter. xoxo
Hello Deborah, thank you for leaving this comment and sharing your experience. I'm curious if you ever got connected with DBT services?
Hello Deborah, thank you for leaving this comment and sharing your experience. I'm curious if you ever got connected with DBT services?
Hi Stephanie,
I'm sorry you had such an upsetting experience. I hope you are now doing well. I believe it is totally possible for people with BPD to have better relationships. It started for me with learning DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills. I learned to manage and regulate my emotions, stop sabotaging relationships, and to be better able to cope when others do upsetting things. This has been huge in my own process.
Hugs! ♥
Hi Stephanie,
I'm sorry you had such an upsetting experience. I hope you are now doing well. I believe it is totally possible for people with BPD to have better relationships. It started for me with learning DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills. I learned to manage and regulate my emotions, stop sabotaging relationships, and to be better able to cope when others do upsetting things. This has been huge in my own process.
Hugs! ♥
Hello Angel, I thought she did a fantastic job too. I am proud of you for acknowledging how far you have come as well. I also hope that you continue to strengthen and that your fear of abandonment diminishes as time goes on. ♥
Hello Angel, I thought she did a fantastic job too. I am proud of you for acknowledging how far you have come as well. I also hope that you continue to strengthen and that your fear of abandonment diminishes as time goes on. ♥
Thank you so much for this post. I graduated DBT over a month ago and have come really far on my recovery/journey. My current partner and I have been having some serious problems. Things have been unhealthy and at this point I am not sure we can turn things around. However something just clicked for me and this post really helped with that. I have heard and said out-loud many times that I cannot put all my eggs in one basket and I can't let my partner define me and my worth. But I just realized it was always about them when I would say these things. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. While in this relationship I spend time with friends and family still so I have been thinking I am NOT putting all my eggs in one basket and letting this relationship define me. But I realized I AM doing exactly that. I am doing that internally. And I have done that with most if not all of my relationships. I have gotten really good at regulating my emotions in all different scenarios in my life through the work I have been doing but I realized I suck at doing that with a romantic partner. I am so afraid of him leaving me (of abandonment) that I turn to him pleading for understanding and to make me stop feeling so scared, and for support and comfort me so I can feel better. I go into extreme emotion mind and it scares the crap out of him so he gets cold and distant and just wants to get away from me. With that I feel even worse, more desperate, and more disregulated so I start clinging and chasing and pleading for this comfort and support. But he cannot make these feelings go away. Yes, he could be a better support and be validating and try not do exactly what I fear, but in these moments I feel like my entire world is dependent on him reassuring me and comforting me and saving me from my own fears and extreme emotions and what I REALLY need to be doing is using my skills to regulate my own emotions. I have been feeling like my entire world will fall apart if he leaves or if this relationship ends. While this relationship isn't healthy right now, I realize I need to be better able to cope when my romantic partner does upsetting things. I need to learn how to cope with these fears of abandonment without turning to him to save me and without doing things that make things worse. It's like all my skills I've learned to help regulate my emotions go out the window and I NEED him to save me and if he does then everything will be ok. I am not taking all the blame for our troubles in this relationship, not in the least. My fears make sense because of my past and trauma I have experienced but how I am behaving in response to them is not effective for developing a healthy relationship. It makes things worse. If we decide we want to turn this relationship around or if I ever want to have a healthy relationship with someone else if this ends, I need to stop turning to this one other person to save me and make me feel better. I am not sure why this finally really clicked with me but all these words I have heard and even said myself before actually make so much more sense to me now. No matter what happens I will be ok because I have the skills to cope and I am the only one who can save me from my own extreme emotions and fears. Does this make sense to others? I would love and appreciate any feedback. Has anyone else had a similar "ah-ha" moment in regards to this? I feel like this is a big breakthrough (not that the work is over at all) and I am looking forward to talking to my therapist about it. Thanks again, Debbie!
Beautiful, honest insights Kari. Keep up the great work, and thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing!
I am in DBT at smhc it is helping me hughly. BPD is so diffiult for me to handle. I have feelings that since there is a staff here leaving friday i feel it must be something I did wrong but what? I have difficulities having staff come and go. Its a very hard thing for me to handle. I feel many times people are going to all leave me. What did I do? I feel. Even when staff don't have time to talk to me I blame it on myself and when a staff may have a day off I blame on me. I sometimes think its all my fault
I am in DBT at smhc it is helping me hughly. BPD is so diffiult for me to handle. I have feelings that since there is a staff here leaving friday i feel it must be something I did wrong but what? I have difficulities having staff come and go. Its a very hard thing for me to handle. I feel many times people are going to all leave me. What did I do? I feel. Even when staff don't have time to talk to me I blame it on myself and when a staff may have a day off I blame on me. I sometimes think its all my fault
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this issue, Nancy. It can be really difficult. Keep it up!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this issue, Nancy. It can be really difficult. Keep it up!