I long to have friends. It isn’t very difficult for me to connect with someone and start a friendship. I’m friendly, caring, and empathetic. I like to laugh and always want to help others when I can.
It just seem that, as time goes on, one of several things happens:
- I become very emotionally dependent on a new friend
- I get moody or deeply depressed or anxious and withdraw so that I am not “exposed” and vulnerable.
- I begin to find all sorts of things “wrong” with her and convince myself that I’m better off alone. Of course I’m not, but on some level, I think I push people away once there is a certain closeness.
Deep down, I desperately want to be loved, cared about, and wanted. At the same time, I am desperate to avoid being hurt and rejected. So, even though there may be little to no chance of that happening in a friendship that is going along just fine, I tend to sabotage it in some way, shape or form.
As much I despise this, I also sense that I am not fully ready to release these patterns. This is discouraging, and I’d like to understand myself a little bit more around this. I’d like to know how I can get over the feelings that hold me back from having true, meaningful, long-lasting friendships.
I need to learn to not only seek things from a relationship but how to also give and BE a good friend…no matter my mood or the circumstances.
Someone recently told me that you can’t be a friend to someone else if you haven’t learned to care for and be a friend to yourself. Perhaps that is my starting point.